Thoughts on supporting young or vulnerable mothers and mothers-to-be

Young, unmarried or otherwise unprepared woman gets pregnant, family has conniptions about 'irresponsible behaviour', family accepts the situation and steps in to help, family ends up taking over and mom lets them, confirming family's perception of mom as irresponsible.

I see variations of this story reasonably often in my line of work.

The young mom carries the stigma of 'irresponsible' pregnancy, very visibly for the term of her pregnancy; partner / sperm donor / rapist is usually unscathed by such societal strictures. Well meaning family steps in to save the day - which is all good and well, except that the help usually comes at a price, and that price is often compliance.

It is truly a challenge to be strong and make good choices when you have been labelled as 'irresponsible' and you feel like you have become everyone's problem, which is often how these young moms feel.

'How are you going to look after this child?' 

'What about your studies?'

'What were you thinking?' 

'I told you he wasn't good for you.'

Once everyone is done asking questions, completely overwhelming the young mom to be, breaking down every last shred of confidence she has, then the moment comes for her own mom and dad to step and and fix it all. As if her 'failure' becomes their 'failure' and they have to do their utmost to 'fix it.'

She hands over more and more power as she feels less and less capable.

I'm sure that the delight in being the rescuer, the rock, the provider, isn't a conscious thing, but I sometimes feel that sense of power that comes with being the rescuer ends up causing disempowering situations for the mom to be.

I've seen moms given absolutely no choice about the circumstances of the birth, not because of the actual costs of her choices, but purely because mom's choices didn't line up with the choices of the financier. Mother's options are not even a point of discussion, because the perception is that she has already proven herself incapable of making good decisions so decision-making needs to be taken out of her hands. To be honest, it's not only the young or otherwise unprepared moms who experience this. Moms who are experiencing domestic abuse or marital difficulties or financial strain get similar treatment.

Often these moms are left with little to no autonomy,  as implicit or explicit threats of withdrawal of finance and / or accommodation and / or acceptance are enough to keep her toeing the line. Her parents speak on her behalf, pay on her behalf and decide on her behalf. 

I have yet to see a grandmother-to-be present her daughter with options, encourage her to research those options for herself and find a solution that makes the best of the situation, with the resources at hand, and most importantly, accepts and supports those decisions even if they weren't necessarily the decisions she would make.

I understand that a young mom may choose options that add extra strain to a family, but I'm suggesting that those who are willing to help be honest about the degree of help they are willing to provide, be it financial or otherwise, and then allow the mom to decide how to use the resources that have been made available to her.

Stepping in and fixing everything often seems to end up paralysing the mom-to-be. She may be overwhelmed at the task ahead of her and steps back, confirming the prevailing perception of her as irresponsible and not up to the task of parenting. This then requires family to step in even more, creating a cycle of disempowerment and resentment.

Rather, family should give resources as they are willing and able, and thereafter empower and equip the young mom to make the best plan she can with those resources. She is, after all, about to be a parent, and that is, after all, what good parents do. They do the best they can with what they have.

And it's not just about the birth, often these young moms are kept in check or subdued for many years with the 'Remember how much you owe me because I saved you' line.

Which brings me to the party we haven't yet considered - the baby. That baby will be the one living with the consequences of the mother's choices, as a baby, and into its future as an adult. Surely a dynamic of rescue and disempowerment is not the example one would want to set, as I have seen where the grandmother continually criticised the mother's parenting in front of the child. How is that helpful for this little person who ends up cscond guessing their mother's every move? In one particular case the child became horribly confused and acted out in the most impossible ways, never sure who to listen to or who to be loyal to, and grandmother's perception of her own daughter as a lousy mom was confirmed, thus justifying her intervention in her own mind.

Rather than disempowering moms, let's remind them that as mothers they have the most powerful influence over that child's life, equaled only perhaps by the father's influence if he is around. Let's show them the power they have and support them in exercising that power to make the decisions that will carry them and their children into the future as responsible individuals, confident in the knowledge that they are equipped to deal with whatever life gives them.

Obviously this isn't the situation for every vulnerable mom, but I do see it quite often. Congratulations to all the families and grandparents who have made the effort to encourage and support vulnerable or single moms rather than 'rescuing' them!

Have you experienced something like this?
Share your thoughts below...

For Love or Money?

Is this doula worth the moola?

Find it here.

So as I'm nearing the end of this doula course I'm contemplating the possibility that I get to earn money doing what I love. That is a very privileged place to be!

High School teaching, ballet teaching, lecturing Art History at three different institutions, importing amber teething necklaces and hazel necklaces - I enjoy all of these things. But, with ballet teaching for instance, I never started my own studio because something in me just knew that as much as I love dancing and teaching, it's not what really gets me up in the morning. If I did force it just because it was what I'd always done, I think it would have eaten me alive.

Working with bellies, birth and babies on the other hand... Now this stuff keeps me up at night! I will sit and read journal articles on the benefits of one birth position over another for hours, or sit with a mom while she labours for as long as it takes and feel more alive at the end of it than I did at the start.

But I read someone the other day writing about how she found a doula who 'isn't in it for the money, but does it from her heart' and while I understand her point, I get a bit frustrated that it's seen perceived as an either/or situation - you do it for the money OR out of your heart...

I'd love to be be able to offer my doula services for free, all day and every day. 

I'd love to be be able to offer my doula services for free, all day and every day. But when I am helping a mom in labour, I need someone to help look after my girls, and that sometimes costs money (or bribes). I want to do extra courses in hypnobirthing and aromatherapy and massage and breastfeeding (and and and) to be able to help my moms even more - but they all cost money and take time.

Furthermore, being a doula can be really inconvenient! For instance, I have a glass of wine with dinner sometimes, but when I'm expecting a mom to go into labour I won't drink at all, because I am quite sensitive to alcohol and I don't want my driving to be compromised and I think it's disrespectful to pitch up smelling like you've been drinking.

I can't organise holidays or travel too far away when I'm expecting a birth soon - or vice versa, I can't take clients due two weeks on either side of a holiday. If you think it's tough not knowing when you're going into labour, I have the buildup every time I have a birth! Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I just think people need to know.

So I am in the situation where I will need to charge precisely because I love what I do. And you know what, I think that my time and skills, and my heart, are worth it.

Get the T-shirt here.

The stats back me up and the moms that I've already helped would agree, continuous care in labour makes a big difference! But, on the other hand, I do believe that every woman deserves a doula and I'm not saying that I won't ever take clients who can't pay, and I most certainly will do volunteer work as well, but in order to have the space and the finance to do that, I need to charge those who can pay for the service.

Perhaps I could offer discounted services for special cases, or barter my services for car repairs, or set aside a small amount per birth to put towards moms who aren't able to pay the full fee; I'm not sure, I'll have to see how it goes!

So what can you do to make doula care more accessible? If your medical aid doesn't already pay towards doulas (Fedhealth and Momentum do, and Discovery should be signing up soon) then write a letter to them saying why they should pay for doulas! If they do, write and thank them and let them know how much you valued your doula! We, the doulas and midwives, don't have as much clout as you do when it comes to getting medical aids to pay up...

If your hospital doesn't allow doulas as an additional birth partner, find one that does and give birth there and write to the original hospital and tell them why you aren't giving birth there. Or have a home birth and have as many doulas as you like...

Hospitals are very precious about their maternity wards as in the bigger cities women have a choice as to which hospital they want to birth at, and maternity wards bring in good money for hospitals, so if they are losing patients because they don't allow doulas, they would love to know about it! If they do allow doulas, write to them and thank them and let them know how much you appreciated your doula!

The same goes for medical aids that won't pay for home births and hospitals that won't allow private midwives. You as the paying client have the power to make a difference in these institutions!

Was your doula worth the moola? Comment and tell us about it!
Have your writtena  letter to your medical aid or your local hospital? Are you going to? Let us know!