Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone... Birth Bliss and Funeral Blues

Coming home from a birth I am often struck by the contrast between that sacred moment where a baby takes its first breath and is welcomed into its mother's arms, and the indifferent bustle that continues outside. I feel almost indignant. How could they miss that shift the moment this little soul joined the ranks of the born? How could they not feel the moment this mother's heart expanded again even as her womb emptied itself?

In my sunrise musings, I realised we feel this way when a loved one dies too. How does the world just carry on as if there isn't an empty space where her laughter used to be? Don't they see his impression on the bed they shared for so many years?

Every birth, every death pierces someone deeply, leaves its mark, its scar; but somehow neither seems to pass as weightily as it should. I think the poet W. H. Auden felt that when he wrote 'Funeral Blues':

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

I'm reminded of a somewhat trite little truism: 'To the world you are just one person, but to me you are the world,' although Auden seems to express the sentiment so much more eloquently. In one of my more audacious moments, I thought to write my own version expressing that same disappointment. What seems so momentous to me, goes unrecognised by those not directly involved.

I'm still working on it, and I'm not usually one for writing rhyming poetry, but I think it gets the message across...

Birth Bliss

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Let all the birds sing, our little one is home,
Fling wide your windows and beat your drum,
Bring out the champagne, let the people come.
Let aeroplanes do loops in the sky up above,
Calligraphy announcing: 'Here is my love'.
Tie streamers on the tails of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen don their very brightest gloves.
You are my North, my South, my East and my West,
No more working week, no more Sunday rest,
At noon, at midnight, we talk, we sing.
I thought that love would burst my heart, instead it's growing.
I see the stars now, reflected in your eyes;
The moon watches us, calms your midnight cries.
I'm certain the oceans responds to our dance,
Because now that you're here, grace and hope have a chance.

If you enjoyed this post you might also enjoy 'The Doula as Witness'

 'I witness a birthing mother glowing serenely through yet another wave; the gentle interactions between a mom and her partner; the dad's face as he marvels at what he and his partner accomplished. I witness the mother's triumph as her dreams and expectations are clothed in flesh.'

Please share if you've ever felt this way!

Taking a break in 2016 - this Durban doula is with child!

To all potential clients, I just have to let you know that I'll be taking a break from doing the doula thing for a while in 2016, because I just don't feel I have the capacity to do what needs to be done with my own newborn to take care of....

My view of my belly - I can still see my toe-shoes -
joined by the soon to be 'middle child',

Yup, this Durban Doula is expecting her third sproglet in April 2016 - or rather late autumn as I tend to tell people (here in the Southern Hemisphere). No one can ask me 'Is the baby here yet?' if they don't know exactly when baby is due! (Sneaky I know, these are the things you learn third time around!)

While I kept a week-by-week diary with my second - which you can find here - I'll be keeping a monthly diary this time around. I'm trusting you'll enjoy sharing the journey with me!

So we are at 8 weeks now - 8 weeks since the first day of my LMP (last menstrual period) - which means it is about 6 weeks since conception, and baby is about the size of a kidney bean. While a first time mom would think things are taking so long, all I can think is that it is happening so fast!

Last week baby was a little blueberry with a tail and 'arm buds', this week he/she is a kidney bean with webbed fingers and almost eyelids!

"Kidney beans" by Sanjay Acharya
Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0
via Wikimedia Commons

I weighed about 7kg more at the beginning of this pregnancy than I did at the beginning of either of the other two, and I still have many of the same clothes, so things are feeling tighter much earlier than they did before!

I'm actually less nauseous than I was before, which is a great blessing as I now have a full time job as well as two preschoolers to look after! It's been quite manageable though, as I'm only nauseous if I stop eating for like, 15 minutes; other than that I'm fine.

Consequently I seem to spend my life eating food, preparing food, or thinking about food! Cravings and aversions seems to change by the minute - not sure if it's a physiological thing, or if it's just me getting the most mileage out of what will most likely be my last pregnancy - but hubby has been doing an absolutely sterling job of keeping me fed and watered - especially when I had 'flu and gastro in the first two weeks after discovering I was pregnant! That was grim. I don't get sick, so pregnancy nausea and fatigue combined with the aches and ails of 'flu and gastro was just horrible!

Our Facebook pregnancy announcement...

The days that I felt only nauseous were good days!

Oddly, I've been craving bitter things - like beer (which I never drink anyway!) and grapefruit juice. That and sour things, and apples, and naartjies (tangerines for non-South Africans). Just yesterday I was craving a good Durban curry - so I think that's what I'll be cooking this evening.

Things like mincemeat / ground beef on the other hand - I just can't! I can't even go in the kitchen while it is being cooked, and my poor husband 's affectionate kiss after he ate some himself left me dry heaving. Fortunately he didn't take it personally! The smell of coffee just gives me the shivers. It's so crazy how this little being just takes over your whole body - even the way you sense and feel things, the way you are in your skin - it all changes. What a precious gift to hold this little person for this time!

As with my previous pregnancy, I struggle a bit with dizziness in the mornings, not helpful when you have two preschoolers to get going - but I've found that keeping up with my iron and magnesium has really helped - that and deep breathing and staying well hydrated. A super-involved dad helps too! As I write he is busy making oats porridge for the girls for lunch.

Some of the other stuff... well, let's just say, I've never tanned at a topless beach before, but I think I know what it would feel like the day after the first time... every day. Um. Yah. Pressing on.

Tired with a
teeny belly

We decided to tell our two girls, A & E, aged 6 and 4, about the pregnancy, because I did need a little extra TLC when I was so ill, and because I'm just horrible at keeping secrets like that about my life. They are very excited, but have very little concept of time so the littlest keeps thinking baby is going to pop out next week - I've got them to understand that baby is only coming out after Christmas, but before E's birthday!

I'm also keeping them updated with my little week-by-week pregnancy updates which they quite enjoy. They are both convinced that baby is a boy. I'm not sure if it's some kind of sibling intuition or wishful thinking - but as we are only going for a 20-something week scan we still have a while to wait!

The general response from family and friends has been very positive. We are feeling very loved and supported by our community! But, I must add, where 4 weeks ago it would have been rude to point out anything about the size or shape of my belly, now I am greeted with delighted cries of, 'Oh, you've got a little bump already!'

I'm tempted to make 'Harrumph' noises, but I guess it comes with the territory. 

I've been doing some pregnancy stretching exercise on the floor of my bedroom which have been great in helping me feel a little more energised (yay endorphins!) and I'm making a plan to get back into my weekly walks once myself and my walking partner are up to it.

So anyway, we are planning another water birth at home, as I did with my second child - incredible birth story here - so while I am looking forward to it, I am also happy to wait until the time comes and just savour every moment of these precious few weeks of growing and incubating this tiny human inside my own body.

(Find our week 12 diary here.)

Love Makes Things Grow...

A little lightheartedness... (teehee)

At the place where I work they had to dig up some pipes at one stage and before there was a chance to replace the tar, this patch of grass happened.

As I walked past it on my way to my car one afternoon the words 'Love makes things grow' just popped into my head and I've been ruminating on them ever since.

So please feel free to share this pic, or Pin It and spread it far and wide because everyone needs to know that love makes things grow!

Pinning Tip: If you hover over the image a 'Pin It' button should appear.

The doula as a witness

I love that I learn from every single birth I have the privilege to attend. Each family and each birth requires different things from me - different words, different actions, different energies. Part of the skill in being a doula is knowing when to use which words, actions and energies. 

At times I stand by as a quiet presence, at other times I am in constant contact. Some moms prefer silence, while others want distraction. I rub feet, hands, hips, legs, backs and shoulders, I stroke hair,  I whisper encouragement, I turn down the lights, I turn up the heat, I fill the pool, I bring cool washcloths, I hold the space, I keep everyone fed and watered - doing my best to remove any hindrances to the birthing mother. 

I do all these things, but I feel they are all secondary to my role as a witness.   Of anyone involved in the birth process this one is almost unique to doulas. Partners are present but the birth is their own birth experience too. The midwife, the nurse, the doctor - they have their own responsibilities that often involve papers, numbers and tools - they have additional concerns that I don't have to carry. I am able to be there - truly present - with all my energy and attention focused on the birthing mom. I know midwives who choose to be fully present with the birthing mother, but these are rare.

And so I often get to see the things that others don't. I witness a birthing mother glowing serenely through yet another wave; the gentle interactions between a mom and her partner; the dad's face as he marvels at what he and his partner accomplished. I witness the mother's triumph as her dreams and expectations are clothed in flesh.

I am there for the disappointments too. I witness the moment when the gynae orders a second caesarean section after a long battle for a VBAC. I am there when her wishes are disregarded and her body violated with impunity by those with greater authority than me. 

In those moments something in the depth of me rages.  I don't dispute the medical justification for their actions, but too often there is little to no acknowledgement of her desires, her struggles, her strength, her autonomy, her personhood. 

Something in me rebels at the idea of being complicit in a system that routinely disregards evidence-based care in favour of convenience, that favours policy over personhood.

While this system rolls on, someone has to mop up the emotional fallout after institution has done its work. While there is little I can do on my own to improve the care women get while giving birth in our birthing institutions, I can bring empathy - the ability to sense, understand and share the feelings of another - because I was there.  

So to all my doula moms, thank you for the privilege of allowing me to witness your journey...

I was there when you believed you couldn't go any further but you did anyway. I was there when you felt your body would split itself apart but you kept it together. I was there when you found and accessed that primal power deep inside. I was there when you pushed past exhaustion. I was there when your hopes were shattered, when your deepest healing was won, when your darkest moments were met, and overcome. 

I saw what you did. 

Your triumph. Your power. Your vulnerability. Your pain. 

I saw it all.

And I want you to know: you are magnificent, you are fierce, you are breathtaking. 

I know because I was there, and I remember. 

Belly Cast Tutorial

In it's curing spot, before refining and reinforcing.
Such a beautiful belly!

One of my kind doula moms, Candace, agreed to be my crash test dummy guinea pig in my attempts to make a belly cast. I'm considering the possibility of including belly casting as a service for my doula moms or anyone else who wants one for that matter, so I thought some practice would be a good idea!

I'm not a complete newbie when it comes to the art of working with Plaster of Paris; I majored in sculpture at varsity so PoP did feature at some point! I just don't remember it being quite that messy... I digress.

The basic idea behind belly casting is that you put Plaster of Paris bandages all over mom's belly and whatever else she wants casted  (breasts / thighs etc). Once the plaster sets it pops off and once it has cured you can reinforce, sand and paint it and hang it in your baby's nursery or anywhere you want to show off you beautiful belly! You'll need at least one person other than the mom, but having two people working seemed to work well for us. What we didn't take into account was trying to take pictures with plastery hands, so you'll need another helper if you want pics.

So here is how we did the belly casting:

What you need before you start:

From the left: Plastic wrap / Gloves / Vaseline /
Baby Wipes for mom afterwards /
6 rolls of PoP bandage in 2 widths.

• A belly attached to a willing volunteer
• A drop sheet (we cut up some rubbish bags - it's messier than you think!)
• A chair (we used a sturdy coffee table so mom could lean back on one arm)
• Something to smear on said belly to prevent plaster from sticking and causing unwanted nipple waxing Petroleum Jelly is what we used.
• Plaster of Paris Rolls - We used 10cm wide by 4.6m long. 4-6 rolls should be enough. You can get different widths if you like.
• Plaster of Paris Powder - for smoothing and reinforcing
• Flat container with water - warm water sets quicker, cold water sets slower - we just stuck with room temperature! Warm water not recommended!
• Large sharp scissors - I used kitchen scissors
• Hole Puncher - For punching holes in the cast so you can hang it
• Plastic or Latex Gloves - Check for latex allergies  Non-sterile is fine. You could use those gloves like the ones you get in hair dye kits, but I find them a bit clumsy for fine work.



Mom's Throne =
Sturdy Coffee Table
+ Cushion + Plastic

• Plastic wrap if mom doesn't want her nipples to show or if she wants the cast to go over the pubic area. Alternatively you could get those handy disposable paper undies from the discount chemist.
• A bottle of red wine and some jazz on the go - And perhaps some smelly candles depending on the time of day.

Try to make sure you really have everything ready before you start! Otherwise you will end up with white hand prints all over your kitchen. True story...

Before you start: Some considerations

• Decide how big / extensive you want the cast to be. Just belly? Belly and boobs? Belly, boobs and thighs? One shoulder? One or two or no hands on the belly? Just remember that you can't take the cast too far around the body - you want to be able to get out once it's set!
• Pick a position. Most of the time women choose sitting positions - if mom is at all prone to feeling faint or dizzy then standing is not recommended! Changing positions while casting is also not recommended. Make sure her spot is comfortable!
• Cut the rolls of plaster into 30cm lengths, with a couple of shorter ones for more detailed areas - especially if you are including a hand. Square pieces are great for nipples and belly buttons.
• Have a shallow bowl of water ready. Tap water should be fine. Cold water will cause the plaster to set slower, while warm water will speed setting.
• Lay your drop sheets down - and make sure there is space for your water tray quite close to the mom.



A spot for the cast to cure once you're done.
What? It looks like you just rolled up some
newspaper and piled it up on a  chair cushion!
Um, er, yeah, that's exactly what I did.

• Prepare a spot to put the cast to cure once you're done. We used a chair cushion with a stack of bunched newspaper to help maintain the shape while it cured. 

Ready to start?

Double Triple check that mama has had a pee in the last two minutes. You'll need her to sit still for a good half hour so make sure she's been fed and watered too.

My volunteers were Candace and her partner, Mat. I was going to be their doula at their upcoming birth so doing the belly cast was quite a good icebreaker in terms of being in each other's space.

About to pop... Candace and the Cast!

Ok, so once you're ready to start it's time for mom to get undressed. Make sure the room is warm enough / cool enough and that she doesn't feel too exposed. If you're doing a belly cast at a baby shower, just make sure there isn't a chance of Great Uncle Ned walking in on the process.

First you need a lubricant of some kind so that the plaster doesn't stick to the skin and give an unwanted nipple wax. If you're using latex gloves, don't put them on yet! The Vaseline will eat them up. I think you need something pretty sticky i.e. not olive oil. You are not trying to rub it into the skin, but make sure it forms a layer on the skin - like those chaps who do ice water swimming covered in a layer of Vaseline. I'd really like to find a natural alternative to petroleum jelly though, I just didn't have a chance this time. You could also wrap mom in some cling wrap, although you do lose detail that way.

Once the smearing is done the smearer can make sure his/her hands are wiped clean of the lubricant and put gloves on. I guess gloves are not absolutely necessary if you don't want to use them - the plaster will eventually come off your hands. But that's entirely up to you.

So being the good doula, I got Mat to smear the Vaseline all over the casting area and once Candace was sufficiently greased, we took one last sip of red wine and got working. You'll need to work quite quickly from here! 


 Take your strips of plaster bandage one by one, zip them through the water (i.e. don't soak them) and lay them down on mom's belly.

• As you lay the strips and smooth them you will see how the plaster fills in the gaps in the bandage.
• Use the square pieces for the nipples and belly button so you can get reasonably good detail. Again, Mat was happy to oblige. Try not to put too many layers over these areas to keep as much detail as possible.
• Lay the strips in different directions for greatest strength. and ensure everything is covered in at least two layers. 
• Keep going until everything is well covered. Make sure to reinforce the edges and corners and try to make the edges even, but it's not a train smash if they aren't - you can sort that out later.



From the other side

• At the end we smoothed the whole cast over with some plaster paste made with 2 parts PoP powder to 1 part water.

• Mom will feel the cast get warm - Don't Panic! That is what the plaster does as it sets... She will start to feel it popping off as it hardens anyway so it should come off pretty easily after about 20-30 minutes after you lay the first strip. 

Put the cast down in its curing spot and give mom some wipes to take care of the worst of the vaseline, then help her get to a bath or shower to clean the rest off. She may need a loo break. 

Then you clean up...

24-48 hours later

The cast needs 24-48 hours to cure completely so make sure it is well supported. Now you can smooth some of those edges and do some finishing off. 

With this cast I trimmed any rough edges with kitchen scissors and took strips of plaster and reinforced all the edges i.e. laying the strip along the edge and folding it over. I also reinforced the internal points of weakness - the crease under the bust and the space between the breasts. 

Top of the cast with rough edges

Trimmed with kitchen scissors and reinforced with plaster strips.

If you hold the cast up the the light you will see if there are any weak spots. You can also fill in with a little bit of plaster paste where necessary. 

Hopefully you can see the reinforcing here! This is looking from the inside.
 It is reinforced all along the edge,  in the crease of the bust and in the space between the breasts. 

I then used a hole punch to make holes to hang the cast - once I had reinforced the spots where the holes would be. 

Hole punch...

You can sand the cast quite smooth if you like.

Once it is as you want it you can seal it with something called gesso; you can get it at most art shops. You can also paint it with acrylic paints, or write on it with permanent marker - it really is up to you!

I'll add a pic of Candace and her belly cast when they are reunited...

So tell us, what would you do with your belly cast?

For Love or Money?

Is this doula worth the moola?

Find it here.

So as I'm nearing the end of this doula course I'm contemplating the possibility that I get to earn money doing what I love. That is a very privileged place to be!

High School teaching, ballet teaching, lecturing Art History at three different institutions, importing amber teething necklaces and hazel necklaces - I enjoy all of these things. But, with ballet teaching for instance, I never started my own studio because something in me just knew that as much as I love dancing and teaching, it's not what really gets me up in the morning. If I did force it just because it was what I'd always done, I think it would have eaten me alive.

Working with bellies, birth and babies on the other hand... Now this stuff keeps me up at night! I will sit and read journal articles on the benefits of one birth position over another for hours, or sit with a mom while she labours for as long as it takes and feel more alive at the end of it than I did at the start.

But I read someone the other day writing about how she found a doula who 'isn't in it for the money, but does it from her heart' and while I understand her point, I get a bit frustrated that it's seen perceived as an either/or situation - you do it for the money OR out of your heart...

I'd love to be be able to offer my doula services for free, all day and every day. 

I'd love to be be able to offer my doula services for free, all day and every day. But when I am helping a mom in labour, I need someone to help look after my girls, and that sometimes costs money (or bribes). I want to do extra courses in hypnobirthing and aromatherapy and massage and breastfeeding (and and and) to be able to help my moms even more - but they all cost money and take time.

Furthermore, being a doula can be really inconvenient! For instance, I have a glass of wine with dinner sometimes, but when I'm expecting a mom to go into labour I won't drink at all, because I am quite sensitive to alcohol and I don't want my driving to be compromised and I think it's disrespectful to pitch up smelling like you've been drinking.

I can't organise holidays or travel too far away when I'm expecting a birth soon - or vice versa, I can't take clients due two weeks on either side of a holiday. If you think it's tough not knowing when you're going into labour, I have the buildup every time I have a birth! Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I just think people need to know.

So I am in the situation where I will need to charge precisely because I love what I do. And you know what, I think that my time and skills, and my heart, are worth it.

Get the T-shirt here.

The stats back me up and the moms that I've already helped would agree, continuous care in labour makes a big difference! But, on the other hand, I do believe that every woman deserves a doula and I'm not saying that I won't ever take clients who can't pay, and I most certainly will do volunteer work as well, but in order to have the space and the finance to do that, I need to charge those who can pay for the service.

Perhaps I could offer discounted services for special cases, or barter my services for car repairs, or set aside a small amount per birth to put towards moms who aren't able to pay the full fee; I'm not sure, I'll have to see how it goes!

So what can you do to make doula care more accessible? If your medical aid doesn't already pay towards doulas (Fedhealth and Momentum do, and Discovery should be signing up soon) then write a letter to them saying why they should pay for doulas! If they do, write and thank them and let them know how much you valued your doula! We, the doulas and midwives, don't have as much clout as you do when it comes to getting medical aids to pay up...

If your hospital doesn't allow doulas as an additional birth partner, find one that does and give birth there and write to the original hospital and tell them why you aren't giving birth there. Or have a home birth and have as many doulas as you like...

Hospitals are very precious about their maternity wards as in the bigger cities women have a choice as to which hospital they want to birth at, and maternity wards bring in good money for hospitals, so if they are losing patients because they don't allow doulas, they would love to know about it! If they do allow doulas, write to them and thank them and let them know how much you appreciated your doula!

The same goes for medical aids that won't pay for home births and hospitals that won't allow private midwives. You as the paying client have the power to make a difference in these institutions!

Was your doula worth the moola? Comment and tell us about it!
Have your writtena  letter to your medical aid or your local hospital? Are you going to? Let us know!

Redefining Identity at Age 30...

I thought this was what the early 20s were for...

Confession time: 

I've never seen myself as a particularly caring person. 

Passionate, yes; caring, not really.

Me in one of my Fiercest Mama moments!

I've always admired people who could care for others - especially the frail and infirm of all ages. As a young person I was a little shocked at how indifferent I felt. 

Even when I had my first daughter I wasn't overwhelmed with love as some moms describe - it took a couple of incidents that awakened my inner 'mama bear' for me to see that I loved my daughter with the fiercest love I've ever known. It got much easier with my second...

I am passionate about justice and fairness and sustainability and other such things. For example, I do my utmost to only buy clothes made locally as cheap imported clothing undermines local industries. I can't complain about unemployment and crime if my actions are contributing to the problem. The thing is, this passion arose more out of a sense of justice than out of love.

But, as I start to move into a more directly caring vocation - doula work specifically - and as I try to practise empathy in disciplining my daughters, in a sense as I start to do the work of caring, I find myself becoming a more genuinely caring person. 

I find myself overwhelmed with love and empathy for complete strangers.

I do think it has something to do with the fact that I feel like I'm coming out of a spiritual hibernation. A couple of months ago I had a picture of myself as a 'mama bear' (not that we even have bears here in South Africa!) climbing out of her den (do bears live in dens?) and stretching and blinking in the sunlight. She was on the thin side, and a little weak, but she was enjoying the warmth and the promise of newness and life.

So maybe it has something to do with this spiritual re-awakening - as I lean into this infinite love, strength and wisdom more and more, so I can give love, strength and wisdom into the lives of others. Perhaps I had practiced indifference because I just felt the weight of suffering too keenly. But as I start to understand this Saviour who carried all the suffering that ever was or ever could be, who could empathize to the utmost, so I start to see how I don't have to be paralysed by the suffering of others because he already carried their suffering in himself - and so I can truly be free - free to love with a fierce love, rather than a desperate love.