Thoughts on supporting young or vulnerable mothers and mothers-to-be

Young, unmarried or otherwise unprepared woman gets pregnant, family has conniptions about 'irresponsible behaviour', family accepts the situation and steps in to help, family ends up taking over and mom lets them, confirming family's perception of mom as irresponsible.

I see variations of this story reasonably often in my line of work.

The young mom carries the stigma of 'irresponsible' pregnancy, very visibly for the term of her pregnancy; partner / sperm donor / rapist is usually unscathed by such societal strictures. Well meaning family steps in to save the day - which is all good and well, except that the help usually comes at a price, and that price is often compliance.

It is truly a challenge to be strong and make good choices when you have been labelled as 'irresponsible' and you feel like you have become everyone's problem, which is often how these young moms feel.

'How are you going to look after this child?' 

'What about your studies?'

'What were you thinking?' 

'I told you he wasn't good for you.'

Once everyone is done asking questions, completely overwhelming the young mom to be, breaking down every last shred of confidence she has, then the moment comes for her own mom and dad to step and and fix it all. As if her 'failure' becomes their 'failure' and they have to do their utmost to 'fix it.'

She hands over more and more power as she feels less and less capable.

I'm sure that the delight in being the rescuer, the rock, the provider, isn't a conscious thing, but I sometimes feel that sense of power that comes with being the rescuer ends up causing disempowering situations for the mom to be.

I've seen moms given absolutely no choice about the circumstances of the birth, not because of the actual costs of her choices, but purely because mom's choices didn't line up with the choices of the financier. Mother's options are not even a point of discussion, because the perception is that she has already proven herself incapable of making good decisions so decision-making needs to be taken out of her hands. To be honest, it's not only the young or otherwise unprepared moms who experience this. Moms who are experiencing domestic abuse or marital difficulties or financial strain get similar treatment.

Often these moms are left with little to no autonomy,  as implicit or explicit threats of withdrawal of finance and / or accommodation and / or acceptance are enough to keep her toeing the line. Her parents speak on her behalf, pay on her behalf and decide on her behalf. 

I have yet to see a grandmother-to-be present her daughter with options, encourage her to research those options for herself and find a solution that makes the best of the situation, with the resources at hand, and most importantly, accepts and supports those decisions even if they weren't necessarily the decisions she would make.

I understand that a young mom may choose options that add extra strain to a family, but I'm suggesting that those who are willing to help be honest about the degree of help they are willing to provide, be it financial or otherwise, and then allow the mom to decide how to use the resources that have been made available to her.

Stepping in and fixing everything often seems to end up paralysing the mom-to-be. She may be overwhelmed at the task ahead of her and steps back, confirming the prevailing perception of her as irresponsible and not up to the task of parenting. This then requires family to step in even more, creating a cycle of disempowerment and resentment.

Rather, family should give resources as they are willing and able, and thereafter empower and equip the young mom to make the best plan she can with those resources. She is, after all, about to be a parent, and that is, after all, what good parents do. They do the best they can with what they have.

And it's not just about the birth, often these young moms are kept in check or subdued for many years with the 'Remember how much you owe me because I saved you' line.

Which brings me to the party we haven't yet considered - the baby. That baby will be the one living with the consequences of the mother's choices, as a baby, and into its future as an adult. Surely a dynamic of rescue and disempowerment is not the example one would want to set, as I have seen where the grandmother continually criticised the mother's parenting in front of the child. How is that helpful for this little person who ends up cscond guessing their mother's every move? In one particular case the child became horribly confused and acted out in the most impossible ways, never sure who to listen to or who to be loyal to, and grandmother's perception of her own daughter as a lousy mom was confirmed, thus justifying her intervention in her own mind.

Rather than disempowering moms, let's remind them that as mothers they have the most powerful influence over that child's life, equaled only perhaps by the father's influence if he is around. Let's show them the power they have and support them in exercising that power to make the decisions that will carry them and their children into the future as responsible individuals, confident in the knowledge that they are equipped to deal with whatever life gives them.

Obviously this isn't the situation for every vulnerable mom, but I do see it quite often. Congratulations to all the families and grandparents who have made the effort to encourage and support vulnerable or single moms rather than 'rescuing' them!

Have you experienced something like this?
Share your thoughts below...

Birthing Day...

When a baby is born, so is a mother. 

Photographer: Karen E

I always thought that was a cute, if not trite, little saying. Until I had my own babies.

I have come to realise that having children entails a massive core identity shift for many women - more so than getting married or a first menstruation or any other of life's transitional experiences. The shift often takes us by surprise in its nature and its magnitude. 

Ask any mother which she remembers in greater details, her wedding day or the births of each of children. Almost all the women I have asked have far more acute memories of the triumphs or tragedies of their birthing days than their wedding days. (I'm not sure of the equivalent life experience to ask about for women who haven't been married - if you have any ideas let me know!)

Three years ago my youngest daughter was born and even though we celebrate this day, the 18th of June as her birthday it was, as cheesy as it sounds, a birth-day of sorts for me too. 

I birthed my first daughter in a drug free natural birth in a private hospital in Pietermaritzburg. I was on my back doing purple pushing, but for most of the nurses there it was the most natural birth they had seen in many months - especially considering the number of nurses who came in to congratulate me with awed whispers of 'We heard what you did!' 

My gynae told me it was one birth out of a thousand and that totally freaked me out! To me it was a normal birth, an 'average' birth, an example of how most women could and did give birth but I have since discovered that there is far too much hospital policy, often not evidence based, and not enough support for moms (read: doulas) for this to be the norm.

It was an intense experience for me. I have never broken a bone or dislocated anything or had kidney stones or anything like that, so it was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. But I felt confident, I felt supported and at no point did I feel as though I was suffering. 

I learned a little more over the intervening years and chose to have a water birth at home for the birth of my second daughter. That was an utterly life altering experience. Here is a link to the full story: Eloise's Birth (will open in a new window)

I essentially had an unassisted birth with a midwife in the room. I had said to my midwife, Sr Arlen Ege, that I wanted to do as much myself as I could, unless I asked for help or unless she could see that intervention was necessary, and she gave me the gift of respecting my wishes. So I had an exquisite physiological birth after a week of on-and-off labour (check the link for more details) and it was a highlight of my life. 

I was high on endorphins and oxytocin for what seemed like weeks afterwards and I truly felt like I could take on the world! 

And so I firmly believe that when both my babies were born, new facets of who I am today were birthed at the same time. 

Photographer: Karen E

My babies showed me how to think of someone else before myself, how to nurture and how to love. They showed me reserves of strength and patience that I had no idea I had. They also showed me my limits and my weaknesses - and I have been able to grow through those times. They brought out the fierce mama bear in me - the wild woman who roars in the face of danger and hardship. 

They have also drawn out my softest tear-blurred gazes and inspired my proudest heart-busting moments. 

One thing that I adore about being a doula is that I have the privilege of walking alongside women as they make this transition. I get to witness the birth on so many levels!

So today everyone celebrates my daughter's birthday, and rightly so, I have had many of my own! But on this day I secretly celebrate my own birthing days, those hallowed moments of encountering the exquisite juicy rawness of human life. 

I give them gifts, as parents do, but no book or toy can come close to the gifts my daughters have brought me - the gift of becoming more fully myself, the gift of finding my calling, the gift of becoming a mother.

Love Makes Things Grow...

A little lightheartedness... (teehee)

At the place where I work they had to dig up some pipes at one stage and before there was a chance to replace the tar, this patch of grass happened.

As I walked past it on my way to my car one afternoon the words 'Love makes things grow' just popped into my head and I've been ruminating on them ever since.

So please feel free to share this pic, or Pin It and spread it far and wide because everyone needs to know that love makes things grow!

Pinning Tip: If you hover over the image a 'Pin It' button should appear.

The doula as a witness

I love that I learn from every single birth I have the privilege to attend. Each family and each birth requires different things from me - different words, different actions, different energies. Part of the skill in being a doula is knowing when to use which words, actions and energies. 

At times I stand by as a quiet presence, at other times I am in constant contact. Some moms prefer silence, while others want distraction. I rub feet, hands, hips, legs, backs and shoulders, I stroke hair,  I whisper encouragement, I turn down the lights, I turn up the heat, I fill the pool, I bring cool washcloths, I hold the space, I keep everyone fed and watered - doing my best to remove any hindrances to the birthing mother. 

I do all these things, but I feel they are all secondary to my role as a witness.   Of anyone involved in the birth process this one is almost unique to doulas. Partners are present but the birth is their own birth experience too. The midwife, the nurse, the doctor - they have their own responsibilities that often involve papers, numbers and tools - they have additional concerns that I don't have to carry. I am able to be there - truly present - with all my energy and attention focused on the birthing mom. I know midwives who choose to be fully present with the birthing mother, but these are rare.

And so I often get to see the things that others don't. I witness a birthing mother glowing serenely through yet another wave; the gentle interactions between a mom and her partner; the dad's face as he marvels at what he and his partner accomplished. I witness the mother's triumph as her dreams and expectations are clothed in flesh.

I am there for the disappointments too. I witness the moment when the gynae orders a second caesarean section after a long battle for a VBAC. I am there when her wishes are disregarded and her body violated with impunity by those with greater authority than me. 

In those moments something in the depth of me rages.  I don't dispute the medical justification for their actions, but too often there is little to no acknowledgement of her desires, her struggles, her strength, her autonomy, her personhood. 

Something in me rebels at the idea of being complicit in a system that routinely disregards evidence-based care in favour of convenience, that favours policy over personhood.

While this system rolls on, someone has to mop up the emotional fallout after institution has done its work. While there is little I can do on my own to improve the care women get while giving birth in our birthing institutions, I can bring empathy - the ability to sense, understand and share the feelings of another - because I was there.  

So to all my doula moms, thank you for the privilege of allowing me to witness your journey...

I was there when you believed you couldn't go any further but you did anyway. I was there when you felt your body would split itself apart but you kept it together. I was there when you found and accessed that primal power deep inside. I was there when you pushed past exhaustion. I was there when your hopes were shattered, when your deepest healing was won, when your darkest moments were met, and overcome. 

I saw what you did. 

Your triumph. Your power. Your vulnerability. Your pain. 

I saw it all.

And I want you to know: you are magnificent, you are fierce, you are breathtaking. 

I know because I was there, and I remember. 

Mother's Blessing - Alternative Baby Shower!

A group of women stuff their mouths and try to outdo each other's horror stories. They play some games that may or may not involve chunks of chocolate cake floating in a potty full of orange cordial and watch the mom open a mountain of gifts and pretend to be ecstatic about yet another pack of wet wipes while everyone makes comments about how the pile she already has will last her less than a week. Ha ha. 

'There must be more to it than this!'

Have you ever felt that way at a baby shower? 

So what if there was an alternative? What if we could create a space for women to come together to celebrate motherhood and to honour and encourage the mom-to-be? If that sounds like something you might like, then you will love the idea of a Mother's Blessing! 

I have had the opportunity to organize two Mother's Blessings for friends of mine and both have been very well received - even by the more conservative, less hippy-dippy ladies attending!

Usually a Mother's Blessing will be attended by a close circle of female friends and relatives. The idea is to create a safe space for the mom to share her fears and doubts, and for the women present to share their stories.  

The shape a Mother's Blessing might take:

• General Introduction - It is helpful to introduce the idea of a Mother's Blessing so that the women have an idea of what to expect. I usually mention that many women experience having a child as more life changing than getting married and we really should honour that rite of passage. It is a joyful but challenging time. When you get married, you know who you are getting, because you chose them! But when you have a child there is much more uncertainty involved. Women spend so much time comparing and competing that it is important to set aside time to honour and encourage and let the mother know that she is not alone, that she has a circle of women around her who will support her in this transition.

• Personal Introductions - Have each woman introduce herself and perhaps mention how she is connected to the mother if the group is large. Women can also introduce themselves as a link in a lineage of women - mine would be, 'I am Leigh, mother of Amelia and Eloise, daughter of Tracey, grand-daughter of Nancy, great-grand-daughter of Betty.' There is something special about seeing yourself as a link in a chain of women giving birth through the ages. 

As a side note: Something I find fascinating is that by the time a girl-baby has reached 20 weeks gestation she already has all her eggs! So when you are pregnant with a girl you are also carrying half the DNA of your grandchildren! So half of me was already present in Nancy's womb all those years ago... Doesn't that give you goosebumps?

• Pampering - There are a few things you can do to make the mother feel special. Here it helps to have some inside knowledge of what the mom enjoys. It may be an Epsom salts foot bath with some pregnancy-friendly essential oils for one mom, for another it may be a hand massage or a head massage - again just make sure that the person doing these is aware of the guidelines for massaging pregnant ladies. Someone close to the mother can brush her hair for her, ready for her flower crown...

To make this flower crown on the right I used florist tape - that green stuff that is stretchy but not very sticky. Start winding around one or two flowers and every 2cm or so add another flower and keep winding and adding flowers until you reach the right size and join them in the same way as would add another flower.

• Beads - Each woman attending brings a bead or trinket to be strung onto a necklace or bracelet for the mom to wear in labour, or just to wear for fun. Some also bring beads for the baby as well. At the most recent Mother Blessing I organized we asked each woman to bring a bead that signified something about the mom for them - and we also supplied a varied selection of beads for those who didn't have a chance to get one before the time! So, for example, a clear bead with a gold core could signify that you see the mom as transparent in her dealings with people, and that you believe she has a heart of gold. This is also good if there are ladies who can't be there - they can send a bead and a message and still be included! In the image below, a guest strung Tara's necklace on the spot so she could wear it straight away.

• Encouragement - The idea of being a mom can be very overwhelming. I think it is important to remind the mother of qualities she already possesses that will help her in her parenting journey. So, as each woman gives her bead, she can tell the mother something she has seen in her character that will help her in her parenting journey. For example, the one mother I organised a blessing for had spent some time with my children and I was always impressed at how she treated them with patience and kindness and respected their individuality - so I reminded her of a time where I had seen her do that. This idea is also relevant for subsequent Mother's Blessing (i.e. for 2nd and 3rd babies) - the women can tell the mother about things they admire about her parenting.

Further ideas:

• Foot washing - Recently I organised a Mother's Blessing for a doula client so I washed her feet as a symbol of how I would serve her in her labour, and also on behalf of the women around her who had committed to serve and support her through this life transition.
• Candles - Each guest can bring a candle for the mom to light while in labour, or alternatively, the host can supply candles that each guest can take home to light when they hear the mom is in labour. 
• Henna - If there is someone in the mother's circle of friends and relatives who is handy with that kind of thing it can be really lovely to have the mother's belly decorated with henna. Each lady attending could have a henna motif done on a hand or a foot as well if there is time.
• Belly cast - A belly cast is a lovely way to remember a pregnancy and a great way to get everyone involved. The mother may not be totally comfortable with having everyone coming into contact with her naked torso, so a bikini or smooth bra can help, or the belly cast could be done before the time and decorated at the Mother's Blessing. Click here for my belly cast tutorial.

String - Towards the end of the blessing time it is a lovely gesture of unity to have the attendees stand in a circle and each put one hand in the circle. A ball of yarn is then passed around and each woman wraps it twice around her wrist and passes it on to the next lady. The yarn is then cut and each lady can knot the yarn around her own wrist to be worn as a reminder of the pregnant mother. The string is then cut when the mother goes into labour. For those women for whom this is not something they would do, I have offered to braid the string onto a keyring or onto a zipper as a bag tag - anywhere that they will see often. 

• Food - In this day and age I think it is not out of the bounds of good manners to ask close family and friends to bring a plate of eats to share. You could specify sweet or savoury on the invite to get a reasonable balance. 
• Flags or quilts or stones - At a Mother's Blessing I organised recently we made a strip of bunting in the colours of the nursery (see image on the right). We then had guests write single words or short phrases in fabric marker on the individual flags so that one day when mom was having a hard time she could look up at the bunting and see what all her friends had wished for her and be encouraged. No one can be sad while looking at bunting! Sometimes guests use fabric markers to write on pre-cut quilt pieces than can then be made into a quilt or playmat for the baby. Alternatively, you could provide river stones that guests then write their words on.
• Quotes and Poems - Each guest can read out a quote or poem about motherhood, and then write it in a blank book provided so that the mother can read them afterwards.
• Freezer Stash - A great idea is to get some of the mother's baking pans and casserole dishes before the time and have them available for the attendees to take home. Then at some stage before or after the baby is born they can bring the mother's own dish back - full of yummy food of course! This certainly saves the mother the inconvenience of having to return baking dishes when she is trying to focus on her baby. Alternatively have attendees who are willing to provide meals write their names on a list to be contacted when the time comes. 
• Positive Birth Stories - Moms can share their positive birth stories, or if their stories were not so positive, they can share how they overcame difficulties they experienced along the way.

Some tips if you are organizing:

• Be sensitive - As much as a Mother's Blessing is for the mother, be sensitive to the women attending the event when planning. Not everyone wants to smooth wet plaster strips across another woman's naked breasts! But, having said that, don't underestimate how far women will go to show their love for the mom-to-be!
• Pick and Choose - There are so many lovely things to do at a Mother's Blessing that it may be hard to choose - but things often take longer than you think so don't feel you have to include absolutely every idea. Try to choose those that the mother would appreciate most and leave some ideas for future pregnancies! 
• Enjoy yourself too - So often event organisers are so concerned that everything must be perfect that they forget to enjoy themselves. Don't let that happen to you! There is no 'perfect' Mother's Blessing anyway, so go with the flow!

If you like the idea of a Mother's Blessing please do share this far and wide - if you hover over any of the images you will see a 'Pin It' button - feel free to use it!

For the sake of future moms, let's start an alternative baby shower revolution!!!