As a Doula, I serve and support moms though the childbearing process in whatever way I can - creating space for informed decision making and advocating for empowered birth experiences for moms here in Durban. That and advocating for evidence based care for mothers the world over!
But before we get to that, I've been having some funny moments where people ask how far I've got to go, and when I say, 'About 9 weeks,' their eyebrows climb up their foreheads and they say, 'Oh!'
Now you see, I'm never sure what they mean by that. 'Oh! I thought you looked ready to pop!' or 'Oh! You don't even look like you're half way!' Either way, I don't really care what they think. I feel great and I love my belly - It's the only time in my life I get to have some curves! But I giggle internally every time I get that response.
Having said that, this belly has been giving me some backache when I try to walk after I've been sitting or lying still for a while. Each time I put weight on my right leg it felt like my sacroiliac joint was going to give way. (See diagram if you're not sure where that is.) My pelvis was feeling like a cheap jigsaw puzzle that just doesn't want to fit properly - each time you press on one side, it pops out on another side.
I'm sure the fact that baby is now around 1.7kg in weight and about 42.5cm tall has something to do with that!
I remember having this problem last time only at around 38 weeks, but I was much fitter last time and I was teaching ballet right up until 37 weeks, where now I spend most of my work day in front of a computer. Going to see a chiropractor really helped then. It probably saved me from a c-section actually. So I got some recommendations and went to see a local chiro here in Westville - Dr Jacob Nell.
He made some astute connections between my breathing habits and weaker core muscles due to pregnancy. I tend to do chest breathing rather than abdominal breathing - a bad habit of mine exacerbated by chest tightness related to a wheat allergy. He also made a connection between my latent jaw tension and the pelvic imbalance. He did some releases on my neck and pelvis and I've been working on keeping my jaw relaxed by touching my tongue to the back of my teeth and manually stretching my jaw, as well as practicing diaphragmatic breathing and making sure I'm staying on top of my magnesium intake and it is feeling much better.
Another contributing factor is a lovely big pregnancy pillow my mom-in-law made me. It's a long sausage shaped one that I'll eventually use as a cosleeper i.e. place the sausage shaped pillow along the edge of the bed, with a cover that goes around the pillow and under mom and baby, and you have a safe cosleeping space. That is if I can get it back from my hubby - he claims it's not a pregnancy pillow - it's just a cuddle pillow and everyone should have one.
I've had another ache this week too. I know it sounds a bit odd, but I've been aching for beauty...
Our haul of sweet potatoes
from our garden!
These things make me happy!
I often tell moms towards the end of pregnancy that it is a time for seeking pleasure. When I apply it to myself, something in me has an immediate, 'Yes, But...' reaction. So often women, and especially mothers, have difficulty seeking pleasure. It feels so... so selfish, so hedonistic. I know it's not just me.
Pregnant ladies have a bit of a tightrope to walk. We don't want to be seen as sick or disabled, or a liability to our employers, so we pretend that the growing belly doesn't even exist. We work hard to try to keep up and prove ourselves worthy, all the while growing a whole other human being within our bodies. I totally get that pressure.
That pouf I was working on...
But at the same time, society needs to acknowledge growing a human being is not an easy task, but a vitally important one! Ask any country suffering from decreasing birth rates and an aging population! I truly believe pregnant women should be cherished and nurtured during this time of expansion and transition. Giving your whole body over to this new person, never to be the same again, is a demanding task physically, mentally and emotionally, and one that deserves recognition.
Cherishing the mother is one way to love the baby she is carrying. She is not merely a detached vessel - she and the baby form a unit, a symbiotic organism for now, and their combined health should be seen as having utmost importance.
I have an incredible husband who wholeheartedly acknowledges this idea. He encourages me to take time and space for myself in the busy-ness of raising two children and working full time - and actually puts legs to his encouragement by doing the capable parent thing with great enthusiasm.
So what does it mean to ache for beauty?
It's as if something inside me yearns to saturate my senses with joy - and to go beyond that and create things that bring joy to those around me. Maybe it has something to do with nesting? I don't know.
My herb garden - doing quite well since I started it!
Geraniums, Lemon, Pennyroyal, Lovage, Rosemary,
Basil, Thyme, Lemon Grass, Yarrow, Burdock, Curry Leaf,
Fennnel, Dill, Rocket, Purslane, Echinacea, Calendula,
Coriander, Parsley, Sage, Lemon Balm, Thyme
and Stevia! Phew!
This, too, saturates and satisfies my senses and makes me happy.
I made the wall hanging many years ago, along with a couple of the other items on the dresser, while the rest consists of found objects, gifts and indoor plants... I love these collections of my favourite things!
But I can see this impulse in action in how I choose to spend my snatched moments of down time - cooking nourishing chicken soups to freeze, upcycling old t-shirts into a pouf for the lounge, colouring in my pregnancy affirmations, working on my quilt, sorting out my herb garden, filling my house with indoor plants... these things bring me great satisfaction, and in a sense each of them is a way of bringing order out of chaos, in the same way that my body is growing a baby.
So what are some of the other ways I am going to seek pleasure over the next few weeks? (Other than the list above!)
Here are my super budget ideas:
Bath by Candlelight - with some Epsom Salts mixed in for a magnesium boost.
Pick flowers - Marigolds and Sunflowers in my garden at the moment!
Drink Lemon Balm tea - picked from my garden, while sitting on the balcony.
Listen to music that touches me.
Stretch - It's great for pregnancy and gives a great endorphin boost!
Admire my belly - I know the time is short. Soon this belly will be empty and my arms will be full.
Cuddle - Lots. With my hubby and with my girls.
Bask in the sun.
Quilt pieces ready for stitching...
I find this stage of pregnancy quite intense. There is no moment in which you can forget you are pregnant. At any moment you might have baby kicking, heartburn bothering you, pelvis all over the show, sweating from your internal heater - whatever your particular set of niggles... And every time you get dressed, go to the toilet, pick something up, strap your seat belt on, try to stand up from a low chair, or try find a position to sleep in, you are reminded of this little person snuggled up inside your belly.
With that comes the realisation that this baby is going to have to come out sometime! That part is also becoming more real to me. I've found myself looking forward to laboring and birthing this baby. My previous births were both empowering and affirming experiences - and I am looking forward to that post birth high that can't be explained unless you've experienced it! Ecstasy, exhaustion, euphoria and energy all mixed up together... It's quite unlike anything else.
So on the whole, it's been good. This e-card sums things up quite nicely:
One last thing, now is a good time to make sure you follow me on Twitter - @DurbanDoula - or Facebook - Giving Birth Naturally - to make sure you don't miss any birth announcements! So did you experience that 'ache for beauty' in pregnancy? How did you
Over the Christmas period we had some family pics done with my husband's side of the family. I was so grateful that our usual photographer got back from the UK three days before we needed the shoot, and as always, she really got the best out of us as you'll see in the pics scattered through the post! She is great fun to work with, and excellent with the kids - we did our previous maternity shoot with her, and a family shoot or two before and after that - and we keep going back so you know she must be good!
Hear me Roar!
(37 week maternity shoot with Karen in 2011)
I'm really enjoying this pregnancy to be honest. I'm grateful that I've had a pretty easy pregnancy on the whole. Other than some morning dizziness, I've had a couple of days of swollen feet - remedied by sleeping with my feet raised after an Epsom Salts foot bath, and some hip niggles, and some very occasional heartburn, but beyond that I'm feeling quite good. Oh, and the tiredness... I'm not as flat out finished as I was in the first trimester, but just the physical work of carrying this extra weight and growing a whole human in this heat does take it out of me. Oh, I forgot about the spider veins too... this list of things that aren't bothering me too much seems to be getting longer! But compared to what many women experience, I think I'm doing okay!
That human I'm growing weighs about 1.3kg now, and is around 40cm tall, about the size of a large butternut, although it's all relative at this stage!
It's been so busy that on the whole I haven't really had much chance to think about being pregnant, never mind doing any colouring or anything like that. Trying to juggle different school times with extra murals, while working full time (albeit flexi-time) is hectic. I try not to use my flexibility too much, because I do still have to catch up the time, and right now my energy levels past 5pm just are not up for the task of getting work done once the girls are asleep!
My poor veggie garden (and my gardening blog) have been sorely neglected, as has nearly every other non-essential task, especially over the last two weeks as the girls start school again.
Lady in Red. (37 week maternity shoot with Karen in 2011)
On the topic of school, are there any other moms who detest homework? Parents hate it, teachers hate marking it, kids hate doing it, many many studies have shown that it can even be harmful to their academic futures as it destroys their love for learning... So why do they still get it? Apparently my daughter's Grade 1 homework should take 15min. Pah! I tried convincing her that this was fun time for us to spend together - both colouring in, reading, counting and adding - but she wasn't having any of it. She just blinked at me. Unconvinced. I'm not sure if I can keep this up for the next 20 years to be honest!
(Link on homework here)
On a more positive note, I made some of my own newborn winged prefolds out of old baby blankets to use in some spare newborn covers I have, and taught my almost 7-year-old how to use the overlocker so she could make a baby blanket out of some flannel I bought. She was so chuffed with herself! It was very sweet.
(For a video on different types of cloth diapers / nappies - look here.)
I'm all for budget babies, so I was overjoyed when I found a Joie Stages car chair, only 18 months old, second hand. No accident damage or anything like that, still in great nick. The mom felt her daughter wasn't comfortable in it so was buying a different one. What I like about the Joie Stages is that they can use it from birth to 7 years old, and they can do rear facing until 18kg! Now we just need to figure out how to fit these chairs into our car...
I was also gifted with some boy clothes by a doula client, and another client is lending me her stash of newborn nappies to add to my currently modest stash. In terms of nappies after 3 months, I was able to supplement my collection with some second hand nappies I bought from friends who were emigrating - so all in all I think we're doing well! In the midst of all the busy-ness I sorted through the old baby clothes I was keeping in case we had another girl, and was able to give away a large suitcase full of clothes to a family that has been struggling... Yay for paying it forward!
Love this one! (37 week maternity shoot with Karen in 2011)
So with all the sorting and repacking, I have also been inspired to spruce up our room a little bit, seeing as I'll be spending a bit more time in there. Why now, with 10 weeks before the baby is due? Blame it on nesting, blame it on the fact that we're going to be cosleeping and won't need a baby room for a while, either way I have big plans. How many of them will get done by the time baby is here? I have no idea!
The starting point is finishing a quilt I've been working on for about 8 years. I dusted off my sewing machine for the first time in a long while and have been diligently working at getting it all together - when I have the energy! One of the last times I worked on it was when I was in early labour with my youngest daughter - nearly 5 years ago! So I think it's time. It seems my seamstress skills have been inspiring my eldest daughter (almost 7), as she is busy designing her own fashion range that I am going to help her sew. I'd much rather do that than homework any day!
So yeah, that's us for this week. I've got another checkup due in the next few days, so we'll have some updates, and perhaps some progress on the various craft projects and gathering of birth supplies... Beyond that, I think uneventful is good at this stage!
Yeehah! The third trimester is here! Duhm duhm duuuhm...
Downhill from here!
It's crazy how this whole thing feels so fast and so slow at the same time. I'm trying to enjoy every bit of it, although the heat wave we had over Christmas was quite something! With my first I was 38 weeks pregnant at this point, and I don't remember feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin from the heat...
I've finally made a plan to get together with a personal trainer friend of mine to help me get some exercise - so relieved! I can feel how much of a difference it makes, but I also think I'll need to pop in for a visit to the chiropractor soon. My pelvis is starting to feel a bit wobbly again and I'm getting a bit of sciatica. Oh the joys!
This was my belly at this time of year in 2009!
38 weeks pregnant with my first...
So as we reach the third trimester we are having to make some decisions the we didn't have to make before, and one of those is deciding whether or not to circumcise our little boy.
Living in South Africa, where circumcision is still commonplace even among those who aren't of Jewish or Muslim descent, for many parents it isn't even something they think about - it's just the done thing. Of the men I've spoken to of my generation, most of them are circumcised, and a number of them can't recall ever seeing an uncircumcised or intact male their own age. Being who I am, I've come to question this practice and came up with some reasons why we won't be circumcising our son.
I know it is a pretty contentious issue - many Facebook mommy groups have banned it as a topic of discussion because things get too heated - but I'm trusting I can express my position in a reasonably civil manner, and I'd request that if you do comment on the post, you do the same.
My main reason is that I believe that people should have choices about what happens to their bodies, and I also believe that no person's body is owned by any other person. 'It's my child, I can do what I want,' doesn't cut it with me - my son's body belongs to him and him alone, just as my body belongs to me, and I believe I should have primary authority over what is done to it and I share it with people I choose to share it with. Bodily autonomy is something I value, so it seems natural to value my son's bodily autonomy too - he is the owner of the penis after all, so I feel he has the largest vested interest in the matter, and so I will wait until he is able to make the decision for himself. It can't be undone.
The be honest, that was enough reason for me to let my son choose for himself, but I have a few others as well. I'm going to try and keep it brief.
Religion:Because of my faith in a wise creator, I can't accept that every single baby boy would be born with a birth defect that requires potentially risky amputation of a very sensitive part of his body. I know circumcision was part of God's covenant with the Hebrews, as described in the Bible, but what was considered circumcision then - a snip off the tip or just a tiny slit cut into the foreskin - and circumcision today, the full amputation of the entire foreskin still fused to the glans of the penis the same way your fingernail is fused to your nail bed - are, as you can see, very different.
Having said that, even in religions where circumcision is required, such as in Islam or Judaism, many individuals are choosing not to circumcise. (For more info on this check: Biblical Circumcision Information.)
Pain: For a long time, and until fairly recently, many practitioners didn't use any anaesthetic for circumcisions as it was believed that babies didn't experience pain the same way adults do. Even now, it is too risky to use general anaesthetic for a newborn, so babies have to make do with a local anaesthetic which cannot numb all the pain experienced. Furthermore, because they are so little, the pain relief available to them after the procedure is not as effective as the relief available to an adult, and they have the added discomfort of chafing from nappies, and the risk of the wound coming into contact with urine and faeces. This degree of pain can affect the brain quite negatively at a very vulnerable time, and hence interfere with bonding and breastfeeding, with a high risk of long term consequences. Some say circumcision should be done early as it is more painful later on - but I would be keen to know if it is just that babies are not as able to express their discomfort as adult men are. (For more information see: The Effectiveness of Anesthesia for Circumcision Pain.)
Sexual Sensitivity:The foreskin is not just an extra flap of skin, it has over 10 000 nerve endings. It definitely does affect sexual function. In fact, circumcision in Western society was popularised precisely because it was thought to decrease masturbation because circumcision was known to decrease sensitivity i.e. no foreskin = less pleasure = less masturbation. Furthermore, intact (uncircumcised) penises require less lubrication during intercourse, and can provide a smoother experience for the partner too. Many men who have been circumcised as adults have reported decreased sensitivity. (See: Intact or Circumcised: A Significant Difference in the Adult Penis - Yes, there are photos - view at own discretion)
Aesthetics:Many say they think it just looks better circumcised. But to me that is purely a cultural prejudice, we generally find the familiar more attractive than the unfamiliar. And honestly, circumcising a baby because you think it looks better brings us back in to the realm of cosmetic surgery without consent. In the same way that I wouldn't tattoo my baby because I think it looks better, I wouldn't perform any other kind of cosmetic surgery on my baby either. And beyond that, I'm not the one who's going to be looking at my adult child's penis - if his partner thinks it looks better circumcised, they can deal with it then.
Functions:The foreskin doesn't only affect sexual function, but also protects the glans of the penis against chafing, and has important immune benefits - apparently latest research is showing that the foreskin can actually protect against HIV infection, and besides that, it prevents contaminants entering the urethra.
Equality:I wouldn't alter my baby girl's genitals in any way, so why do it to my baby boy? In places where female genital cutting is still practiced, the same reasons are used as are currently used for male genital cutting - it looks better, it is healthier, because her mother had it done...
Risks: No surgery is without risk. In the US, more newborn baby boys die from circumcision than from car accidents. The penis and foreskin is obviously highly vascular and haemorrhaging is a risk, as is the possibility of removing too much skin, as well as other injuries and complications including impotence, urinary retention and necrosis among others.
(See here: Death from Circumcision Higher Than Suffocation and Auto Accidents and here: Death from Circumcision)
Hygiene:An intact penis is actually easy to clean - the guideline is to treat it like the tip of a finger. No one except the child himself should be tugging on it or retracting as this can actually cause adhesions and scar tissue leading to a tight foreskin later on. Boys can be taught to wash their own penises the same way girls are taught to wipe from front to back. To think that boys are incapable of such simple self care is actually a little insulting. Actually, I would think an intact penis is easier to keep clean initially too - no open wound to deal with!
(See: Basic care of the Intact Child)
Health:Each decade has seen it's own list of diseases and conditions that circumcision is claimed to cure. In the nineties it was said to prevent cervical cancer in women, now it's said to reduce female to male HIV transmission. Many of these studies have been shown to report inflated claims, or they have been very flawed in their design. Also, they only talk about reducing male to female transmission. Um, yeah. Nothing about male to female transmission. I'm sure there are less invasive and more effective ways to decrease HIV transmission. Furthermore, even if there was a slight decrease in rates of urinary tract infections among circumcised infants, girls get urinary tract infections far more often than boys and we wouldn't dream of circumcising all infant girls to reduce urinary tract infections - we just treat them as they happen. No surgery required.
See: HIV, AIDS & Circumcision Resources, Where Circumcision does NOT Prevent HIV, Circumcision and Cervical Cancer Resources, Cervical Cancer: A Reason for Circumcision?)
Family Likeness:For a number of families I've spoken to this has been one of their primary reasons. I heard a story that cleared this one up for me: Circ'ed dad is showering with intact son. Son asks, "Dad, why does your penis look like that?" Dad, who has been dreading this conversation, wisely asks, "What do you mean?" Boy answers, "It's so hairy."
I wouldn't dye my child's hair to match mine, or surgically alter his nose to match his dad's or give them matching tattoos before he's a year old - so I'm not sure I could use this reason for cosmetic surgery on my newborn child.
My last reason would be that it is irreversible. There are methods by which men are gaining some restoration of their foreskins, but this is a difficult process. I would rather let my son choose for himself.
I was going to mention some stuff about why I'm enjoying the colouring and why birth affirmations make a difference, and further plans for our home birth, and great second hand deals and other bits and bobs, but I'll leave those for next time!
Two videos you might appreciate - one funny and one more serious:
Adam Ruins Everything - The Real Reason You're Circumcised:
Elephant in the Hospital - Child Circumcision
I understand that some people reading this post may be feeling regret for having had their son/s circumcised. It is difficult to feel you made a wrong decision when it comes to your children, but there are many who have walked this road before who can help you deal with those feelings of regret - please see these links for some excellent resources: I Circumcised My Son: Healing From Regret Circumcision Regret: Working Through and Rising Above Mistakes Made
Sorry it's been such a long post! I really tried to keep it as brief as I could without being blunt! If you have any thoughts or questions, please feel free to share them below, but please be civil! I know these things can get heated...
No, that's not the name we'll be putting on his birth certificate, but that was the name my mom-in-law wrote on little one's Christmas gifts this year, so we're sticking with it for now. In case you're unfamiliar with the Afrikaans language and feeling a little lost, pikkewyn means 'penguin', hence the 'Happy Feet' references, quite fitting considering how active this little sproglet is! My attempt at phonetic pronounciation: Pikke - vein As for his real name, we have some ideas, but we're not sharing them until he's born, just because we've had experiences in the past where we share our ideas and people make disparaging comments about our choices... You know who you are! So like we did with number 2, we'll wait until this one is born to announce a name.
Choosing names is such a funny thing. Personally I don't like popular names - I remember an instance at school where there were 3 Michelles in our netball team, and Grants and Ryans and Marks were also everywhere. (Apologies to anyone with those names, they were just the first ones I could think of.) So we're trying to avoid that for our children, but it is a bit of a challenge! When I chose Amelia for our eldest nearly 7 years ago, it was very unusual, like 350th in the list of girls' names or something like that, but has been steadily climbing the popularity charts since. As my husband is Afrikaans and I'm English, we need names that work in both languages, and of course there is always the matter of initials. With a surname like Jansen, we're staying away from names starting with B...
So I like older names, ones that are not common but also not too obscure, names with reasonably traditional spellings and positive meanings. So yes, finding a name we both like that meets all these requirements is a feat in itself!
I saw our midwife again this last week - all is well as expected. We had a good chat about plans leading up to the birth, including my questions on what the earliest possible date for a home birth is, and when I need to collect the birth pool I'm hiring from her, and checking on when to call in the troops come B-Day. In that discussion, I came to the realization that the possibility of going into premature labour or having premature rupture of membranes (i.e. waters breaking early) has been a bit of a preoccupation for me, even though I have none of the risk factors.
Baby #1 - 27 weeks pregnant
I'm taking magnesium which has been known to help prevent premature labour, and I'm thinking of supplementing my vitamin C intake, something which has been shown to prevent premature rupture of membranes but I hadn't realised it was such a preoccupation until Arlen pointed it out, and I'm grateful she did. I've made the adjustment to remember that my body is wonderfully purpose-built for this task, and has proven itself trustworthy before, and I am an otherwise healthy and reasonably fit woman. I choose to trust my body, and I choose to nurture my body at the same time.
Baby #2
28 weeks pregnant
Speaking of nurturing my body, I need exercise! I've mentioned before that I'm feeling much creakier this time around, and I know it's due to lack of exercise, coupled with a general decrease in fitness levels over the last few years. It's usually my hips that feel unstable, and my core is generally weak as I'm feeling out of breath because I'm slouching too much. So in the new year I'll be taking the plunge and signing up for some antenatal exercise classes. I've been doing aqua exercising in the pool when I get a chance, but I need something a bit more structured. When I suggested it to hubby, he was immediately on board, especially considering it is an extra monthly expense. But I think he knows I'll be much more comfortable, and hence easier to live with, if I'm not feeling so creaky.
Ok, maybe I
am imagining it...
My feet look
swollen in this pic,
Time for another
lie-down methinks!
Just so you can see I'm not imagining that I'm carrying bigger this time around, I found a picture from my first pregnancy, taken at around 27 weeks, where you can see how tiny my bump was, and one from my second pregnancy as well. Despite bump size, apparently Pikkewyn is now just over 35cm long, about the length of an English cucumber from crown to heel, and weighs around 750g.
I'm really enjoying being on leave and we had a good time visiting with Hubby's family over Christmas. I got some crochet done, to the extent that I've depleted my stocks of t-shirt yarn that I was using to make a pouf for the lounge. (Any donations of holey t-shirts are welcome!) And I also got some time to colour in some of my new colouring book. The non-conformist in me detests fads, but when I saw this birth affirmation colouring book I knew I just had to get one! You can order them on Etsy via the link under the images if you'd like one yourself, but be warned, postage can take over 3 weeks so order sooner rather than later!
It's been lovely over the last few weeks to have friends and family be able to feel baby kicking. I love seeing their faces when he gives them a good strong jab! It seems his most active time is in the evenings after supper. Like clockwork he starts kicking in the same spot, and keeps wriggling about for a while, within about 15 minutes of me finishing my dinner. I'm not sure if it's the noise of digestion, or the blood sugar boost, but it does give a great opportunity for me to prove I'm not just hiding a soccer ball under my shirt!
Post-Colouring...
The girls are fascinated with my belly button - my innie has become an outie! They think it's great fun to try push it in. It is so sweet how they spontaneously come and give the baby hugs and cuddles, I think they are going to have great fun being big sisters! As I've mentioned before we've been laying some groundwork for them to understand that little babies have big needs, and we're all a team helping everyone to get their needs met, and how giving time and attention doesn't equal giving more love, and giving them ways to express when their love tanks are feeling empty. I'm finding it amazing how perceptive and understanding they can be! I suppose we'll see how effective this has all been when the baby is actually here.
Hiding My Outie... No more toes peeping out!
So that's about all we have this week, no big mommy confessions this time...
Find my moments of mourning last week here, otherwise follow me on Twitter - @DurbanDoula, or subscribe to the blog so you don't miss next week's update... And, as before, if you have any questions or comments please submit them below! I love hearing from you!
In some small, intimate way it has been a week of mourning for me.
Maybe first time moms have it a bit easier - they have no idea what to expect. As a third time mom, who has had both an easy bay and a high-needs baby, I know that even an easy baby changes life in so many irrevocable ways. My youngest (4) has been out of nappies for a while, weaned a year ago, and loves getting herself dressed, while my oldest (6) can run a bath, and make tea and sandwiches with the help of a strategically placed chair. They are pretty self-sufficient and keep each other quite busy most of the time, when they're not trying to scratch each others' eyes out that is.
So anyway, my point is that the days of jumping in the car without a whole extra nappy bag and a whole extra hour of preparation are drawing to a close. Also, moments to lie in bed and read, sitting down to a cup of coffee with friends, eating with both hands, leisurely baths, and wearing dresses - these will become luxuries again. (If you're wondering about the dress thing - I don't own any dresses I can breastfeed in.)
I picked an awesome husband who really does see himself as a fully fledged parent, not just 'mom's sidekick'. This means that I have had far more freedom to do my own thing, freedom normally enjoyed by men / dads, and more freedom than many other moms I know, to do things I love, like doula work, writing, singing in a band and things like that.
The other day he was talking about getting involved in a club of sorts and asked if I might also be interested. I was, but I mentioned that I wasn't sure it was an option with the baby coming along. He made the point that no matter how much he helps, there are some things that only I will be able to do - like giving birth and breastfeeding - and some of those things intrinsically limit my options in ways he doesn't experience. He has a deep appreciation for how I fulfill those roles and that does make things a bit easier.
Take doula work for example - he has always supported me in dashing off in the middle of the night to be with birthing moms, which means getting the girls ready for school and then taking over my portion of our parenting duties while I catch up on sleep the next day. But even with that support, taking on clients won't really be an option for at least 12 months, perhaps more. I only started doula work when my youngest was 18 months old and even that was a challenge at times.
I know there are husbands who leave their wives to hold the fort while they go on business trips, but I'm not sure I could justify it considering the amount I earn from doula work, and how erratic the hours can be. Also, breastfeeding and being away from baby is a challenge - I can't guarantee that I'll be able to express for my own babe while I'm helping a mom give birth to hers. I don't think it would be fair to the birthing mom either that I'm not able to be fully present with her.
So that's why I say there's a moment of mourning happening in our house. Of course I know that the moment I hold his squishy body against mine, waves of love will crash over these sand castle concerns, but that doesn't change how I feel now.
I think it's hard for moms to acknowledge these feelings. Surely being a mom is 'enough', who could want 'more' than the privilege of being a mother?
Me.
I do.
I love being a mom, more than I thought I would for sure! I don't regret having a third child in the least. But I am not primarily a mother. I am so many other things. It's important for my children to know that. They are not 'obstacles' in my life, but they need to know that this family is a team that works to fulfill the needs and desires of every member of that team - and that 'mom' is not just a name for a glorified domestic servant.
Shauna Niequist puts this far more eloquently than I ever could in the following video - 'Things my mother taught me'. It is just under 18 minutes long, but worth every second. I make a point of watching it at least once a year.
I do realise that this intense period of mothering is just a season and seasons will pass as they always do. Recognising seasons has been pivotal to my 'inner peace'! I'm not going to store up snow in my deep freeze so I can build a snow man in summer, I'm just going to enjoy summer for what it is.
I do love my children fiercely and I find parenting immensely fulfilling, but I don't think it's fair on any child to expect them to be the primary source of a woman's sense of value and affirmation. That responsibility is too great for any person, never mind a child. When I get my sense of value and affirmation from an infinite source, it makes me more able to give into my relationships as wife, mother, friend, daughter and sister.
As Niequist says: Everyone benefits when women tap into the passions and use the gifts that God has given them. The church benefits, families benefit, marriages benefit, businesses and non-profits benefit. Everyone wins when women discover and live out of the gifts and passions God gave them.
And now for something completely different...
After a big lull, there are so many women due around the same time as me! Many of them are births I would have volunteered, nay, begged to attend as a doula. So while I'm sad that I may not be able to walk alongside these ladies in their births, I trust we will be able to walk our baby journeys together!
And the baby?
Apparently baby is as big as an ear of corn now - 30cm long from crown to heel, weighing 600g - and feeling as pokey as if I really had an ear of corn in my belly! A-maize-ing! (Sorry I couldn't help it)
I'm having to do the sumo sit quite often, because if I sit upright with my knees together, baby pokes my belly where it touches the tops of my thighs... Having said that, I really do love the sensation of him moving about in my belly. It's like having a little friend with me wherever I go.
He can hear now too - so the girls are having great fun talking to him and kissing my belly and pretending to listen to his replies. It is very sweet. Speaking of sweet, he is also developing taste buds, which would totally explain my craving for Lindt Strawberry Intense chocolate bars.
I'm looking forward to getting some sorting done when I go on leave next week - we still have stacks of boxes to unpack from when we moved in just over a year ago. I keep saying I want to do it before my belly gets too big, but my belly already feels big!
A note on empathy when talking to pregnant ladies - when a pregnant lady says: 'I feel so big!', the response, 'But you're so small' may not be the most helpful. You are essentially telling her she has no right to feel that way - or that her feelings are untrustworthy.
In my case, I did ballet for 25 years, and I have a fine tuned sense of where my body is in space, and this little belly feels massive for me. That is my experience.
Some possible alternate responses: 'Are you finding it a challenge?' will draw out what the mom means - is it sleeping or getting in and out of the car or getting dressed that she is finding particularly challenging? And then empathy is always a good follow up: 'Having to deal with two young children and a belly in this heat must be quite something! Either way, I think you're looking lovely! Is there anything I could help with?'
Empathy is a powerful thing!
Rather than feeling invalidated a woman feels heard and understood - something I believe everyone appreciates.
On that note, bloggers feel heard and understood and affirmed and validated when you comment on their blogs, and especially if you share the posts you feel are relevant to your circle of friends so...
Does any of this resonate with you?
Have you felt guilty for feeling like there's more to life than being 'mom'?
Share your thoughts below...
(If you missed last week's installment about clinic visits, camping adventures, clothing solutions and feminist frustrations, you can find it here: Week 22)
Yay for salad cravings... This mahoosive bowl of salad: all mine!
I went for my clinic visit at St Mary's Hospital in Mariannhill this week.
State hospital? Say what?
You've heard me rant about how I feel irritated on behalf of all the ladies paying a fortune to go to private hospitals and assuming they must be getting the very best care available... Well, I've decided to vote with my feet. I've volunteered at St Mary's before during my training, been in theatre for a caesarean and had a client transfer there for a caesarean and to be honest, I'm much happier with many of their policies than I am with the policies of many of our private institutions...
One thing I do appreciate about St Mary's is that they do have individual delivery rooms, and besides that, midwives take care of most of the deliveries, calling the doctor only if needed, and they encourage birth support. Having said that, I am not planning to have to actually go there - we are planning to birth at home as you know - but if intervention becomes necessary, then that's where we're headed. I did call up the delivery ward matron to check that this was acceptable, repeating the words 'planning a home birth' and 'private midwife' a number of times to make sure - and her verdict was that as long as I've been to the clinic for prenatal care, that is fine.
My new favourite Twitter account / Facebook page - @ManWhoHasItAll 'Top tips for men juggling a successful career and fatherhood.'
And I'm reminded how glad I am that I chose a man who doesn't see himself as 'mom's sidekick' but really lives this whole egalitarian vibe on an every day basis.
They are quite serious about their Baby Friendly Hospital certification - there is no default nursery stay or mandatory stint in the incubator. Skin-to-skin for an hour, within 5 min of birth is encouraged, every baby sleeps by mom, breastfeeding is assumed and encouraged and no artificial teats or artificial milk will be used without your consent. (For more info on the Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative click here to see a pdf.)
So yeah, back to that clinic visit: despite arriving late, and during lunch hour to boot, it was mostly painless. Apparently I was supposed to have been there by 7am, but I got my book and paid R50 for my appointment (I'm not in their official catchment area). Waited at the ANC (ante-natal clinic) desk for the staff to come off lunch and redirect me - was redirected to the HIV testing station, then to another queue and another room to have my blood pressure, weight and pee-stick checked, then to another queue and room to have blood taken for further antenatal testing, and then in to see the resident midwife who did the usual data collection (previous births and pregnancies, health issues etc) and belly palpation.
One of my new outfits... Photobombed!
If I had come on time, my blood results would have been ready for collection before I left, but as it stands I'll need to collect them at a later stage. Two and a half hours altogether - and despite some signage mishaps i.e. not knowing where to go next, the staff were all very helpful. As I said, mostly painless.
Get on my belly!
Some other great news this week, which has alleviated much of my daily frustration, is that I bought a bag of second hand maternity clothes from someone on Facebook... What joy to have pants that just fit and shirts that are comfy without being too snug! I'm not sure how I managed pregnancy without maternity clothes before! Over the next few weeks I'll be posting some of my outfits. It really helps to feel confident and comfortable in what you're wearing.
Speaking of Size
Apparently baby is about the size of a pawpaw / papaya - 27 cm from crown to heel and 19 cm from crown to rump - so a small pawpaw by Durban standards! The midwife I saw at St Mary's said it seemed like fundal height was showing as 24 weeks (i.e. the height of the top of the uterus), and the sonographer also thought baby was looking a bit bigger than average. I'm not too stressed - I'm sure of my dates as I keep track of my cycle, so even with cycle irregularities taken into account I can't be more than a week out, and even if baby is a little bigger than the last two were, I'm sure I'll manage!
I often hear of women reporting back from their gynae appointments with something along the lines of 'I'm 28 weeks but the gynae says that the baby is measuring 30 weeks' or that their due date was brought forward again. Now that doesn't mean that your baby time-traveled somehow and became 31 weeks mature all of a sudden, all it means is that compared to the average baby at 28 weeks of gestation, your baby is the size of the average baby at 30 weeks gestation. About that... ultrasounds are not considered reliable late in pregnancy. Even the machine manufacturers say that macrosomia (big baby) cannot be diagnosed with enough certainty to indicate a caesarean, and even then, caesarean birth is not necessarily the best choice for so called 'big' babies. (An excellent link on this here.)
Feminist Frustrations
Maybe I'm being oversensitive, but the reaction to 'We're having a baby boy,' seems disproportionately enthusiastic. We really are and were truly indifferent to whether we were having a boy or a girl, but everyone seems to assume that we must automatically be super excited that we're having a boy after our two girls, as if we would somehow be missing out if we had had another girl. But then I may be the one overreacting...
Camping Adventures
A couple of weeks back I thought it might be nice for us to take the girls camping, before I get too big, and before we become a family of 5 with no space for camping gear in the car... We picked a spot nearby, at the beach, packed the camping gear we had, borrowed some bits that we needed, took a day of leave and headed on our merry way. The first evening was great, if slightly cramped with all four of us in a four man tent - who made up those sizes anyway? There is no way 4 men could fit themselves and their bags in that tent
A little something like this...
comfortably unless they were in the snow and needed to keep each other warm... but anyway.
Besides the wind it was ok. The next day though, it started raining. Fortunately hubby's folks were joining us at the resort, but were staying in one of the apartments on the property. We ate with them that night even though we had planned a potjie - what should have been a stew cooked in a three legged pot over hot coals became a stew cooked in a stainless steel pot on a regular stove. It still tasted good though. Anyway, they could only get a 6 sleeper apartment - which was just as well, because we discovered our tent was leaking in 7 different spots, and it rained the second and third nights... So we were grateful for the warm dry beds!
The girls had a great time though, and I really appreciated the heated pool - I am such a wuss when it comes to cold water! Not sure when we'll attempt the camping thing again soon though - we'll definitely need a bigger car next time! I was stowing food under the chairs and fitting shoes in wherever there was a gap... It was quite something!
Other than that, not much to report here, other than that we are happy and healthy and expanding in all directions!
So, as you know I had my once scan this week. We did want to find out the sex of the baby, partly because the girls were totally convinced we were having a boy, and for various other reasons - although we really were totally unfazed with either possibility.
And besides the fact that everything is totally normal and spot on for a healthy pregnancy and birth and baby, we also discovered that our third little sproglet is most certainly, definitely, no doubt about it....
A BABY!
But beyond that, Jansen sproglet #3 also possesses the plumbing of a little boy. And he wasn't shy about letting us all know. I'm not posting that pic online, because that's just creepy, but even I could see what was going on!
So anyway, much excitement ensued. We have almost decided on a name, but we are keeping that, at least, a secret. The grannies are so excited that they can go shopping now!
The feminist in me is slightly irked by the huge fuss about baby's sex, and the intense gender stereotyping that starts happening before the sproglet is even born, but we deal with that as it comes.
That wasn't all that happened this week...
Bellies
At 20 weeks I am well and truly in the thick of things. (Excuse the pun.) My belly finally looks truly pregnant, and to be honest, I keep getting a fright when I look down and it's there... weird I know. It's a bit like when you have a cavity and your tongue keeps searching it out. I feel like my belly has just popped out and I just want to touch it the whole time.
On belly touching, I really don't have a stress with friends touching my belly to be honest, it is so lovely to be part of a community that celebrates this baby with me! At church this week a lady came and asked if I wouldn't mind her knitting something for the baby. I have spoken to her once or twice, before but was so touched by her open heartedness. I honestly can't imagine having a baby without a community like this!
More about bellies - dad and both the girls have felt the baby move this week. Hubby said it's watching my belly grow that makes things feel more real for him, not the movement so much, but my eldest daughter's response to the baby moving was so precious - she marveled at how strong the kick was. 'My hand almost bounced off your belly!' she says.
It's not surprising that the kicks are quite strong, baby is about 16.4cm from crown to rump, and about 25.6cm from crown to heel - that's about half the length of my first two at birth! So apparently that makes baby banana sized now. The girls love the fresh produce comparisons. Centimetres don't really mean much to them, but they know bananas!
Fitting it all in
I'm desperate to go on Christmas leave and do some sorting in the house! But first we have the end of term to get through... It's not so bad this time with both girls at the same school - I think it will be slightly more complicated when they are at different schools next year!
I'm also struggling to get enough exercise although I have been gardening a bit which is great for squats and the like, but not so good for cardio! I really need to make time to go walking and / or do aqua as summer comes, as I can feel my hips are already feeling a bit unstable. I didn't realise how much ballet helped with my previous pregnancies! With my second I was teaching up until a week before she was born! It really helped keep me fit and toned - although I do remember sometimes feeling dizzy from standing so much.
Food weirdness
Spur's Chicken Wings - the half portion!
On that dizziness, this last week I had two days where I even felt dizzy sitting in a chair. Then I realised I had forgotten to take my iron and magnesium for a couple of days - and once I took them again I felt a thousand times better. I think part of the problem has been that I've struggled to eat meat this pregnancy - except for Spur Chicken Wings - I can eat a 'to share' portion of those on my own! Other than that I struggle to get meat down my throat without gagging, that and egg for some reason. So I'll take the chicken wings when I can get them!
Oddly enough, I was out with some friends at a birthday breakfast for another friend the other day, and the thought of getting bacon and eggs into my belly was giving me cold shivers, even at R25 a shot, so I took the plunge and ordered a half portion of wings which went down a treat... Yes. I was that crazy pregnant lady noshing on spicy durky chicken wings at 9 am while everyone else was deciding how they wanted their eggs. I felt quite decadent. At least I have an excuse! (And, as crazy as it sounds, me and bacon are really not getting along at the moment!) How expensive are babies?
The 'must-have' list part I
(Click to zoom)
I can never get over how much money people will spend on baby gear... I sometimes get the feeling that moms think that the more money you throw at something, the better it will turn out - like birth for instance - you must have the best (i.e. most expensive) gynae to get the best care, and a midwife that charges a small percentage of what the gynea charges can't be giving an equivalent or superior level of care. This also counts for hospitals - in my doula work I find the state hospitals have after birth care and policies that are streaks ahead of 99% of private institutions. Their breastfeeding advice is far better and women get much better support - and I almost feel sorry for the women spending a fortune at private institutions thinking they must be getting the best care, when often the advice given and policies implemented are, in my experience, severely outdated and not in the best interests of mom or baby.
So yeah, I also often feel moms should wait a couple of months after baby is born to decide what gear to get. I can't tell you how many moms have bought gorgeous wooden cots and compactums and portable baby baths, running into thousands of rands, only to end up cosleeping, changing nappies on the go and bathing baby in a tub in the big bath!
The 'must-have' list part II - so you can 'rest easy'
knowing you are 'as prepared as possible'.
Can we sue for false advertising?
Never as the retailer what you need!
(Click to Zoom)
In short, please don't ask the saleslady at the baby shop what you will need! Ask a mom who seems happy being a mom, whose parenting style you admire and who is in a similar financial situation to yours - she will be able to give you a much better idea of what works and what doesn't!
Or, you could take your doula shopping with you - I sometimes wish moms would do that - then at least they would have an idea beforehand of what is really worth the money and what isn't, and what alternatives exist, in the interests of informed choice and all that.
Travel System - great for carting groceries around
while baby sleeps in your arms!
For example, my favourite baby carriers / slings are not sold at your usual baby gear outlets, and you won't find a wide variety of cloth nappies there either. I prefer not to take that baby bucket seat out of the car (spending too much time in those seats can cause spinal issues) so the whole travel system thing doesn't work for me either, and I'd much rather take my baby shopping in a sling or wrap than packing all my groceries in the pram while I hold a screaming baby anyway, but that is another story.
Also, there are plenty of places to get good quality, second hand baby gear - an option that is friendlier on your pocket and on the environment!
I guess there is also a little bit of chagrin on my part that women will spend 3k on a compactum (i.e. glorified chest of drawers) and 5k on a cot that may end up becoming laundry storage, 7k on a travel system too big to take anywhere and another bunch on nursery decor, but 3k for a doula is just too much... But, placing my own issues aside, babies don't have to be as expensive as we make them, and spending more money doesn't automatically make you a good parent. *Rant Over*
After all that, reaching this point in the pregnancy has really got me thinking about what we will need for this baby.
Cosleeper - I made myself one of these last time, and used the long pillow as a pregnancy pillow. The dog attacked that one, so I'm going to need to make myself another one soon! In case you were wondering, we didn't use a cot at all with #2 - this was it. And in case you were wondering, she sleeps beautifully now!
Car Chair - Another car seat and possibly an extra booster too to make sure we can fit all the kids in our car. It's that or a new car... so maybe we'll go with the car seat for now.
Cash - to pay our midwife. Medical Aids only pay about 25% of what a home birth costs, even though a home birth costs only about 25% of what a normal vaginal birth without epidural costs in hospital. But anyway.
Donut - We were lent one last time - so possibly looking at going the second hand route for one of these.
Clothes - We have mountains of frills and flounces... which will now be donated to a good cause - but very little that I could use for a boy, so that is a biggie. Gender stereotypes again, I know!
Home birth supplies - Linen savers, pliers, maternity pads, chloroform, biting sticks and industrial plastic to line the birth pool.
Coconut oil - I use it for everything! Bum Cream, massage oil - everything! Beyond that we don't use too many lotions and potions on baby skin so we're sorted.
Washing Machine - Ours is almost ten years old and has been serving us faithfully for all that time, but is starting to show signs of slowing down, so we are looking at getting a slightly larger one with better water usage... I must admit that on the whole I'm a little concerned that our appliances are reaching that age. You know 'that age'? Our fridge is also nearly ten years old, and starting to feel too small for our growing family, and our dishwasher is over 20 years old and irreplaceable bits are starting to rust, but I guess we'll need to cross (or wash) those bridges when we get to them... (Update: Our washing machine gave up the ghost a day or so after I wrote this! Typical! But fortunately for us, a friend needed to get their machine sold this weekend, so we are taking it over. On the rest, we'll have to wait and see!)
and possibly some other bits and bobs like reusable breast pads and gel ice packs and whatevers...
I'm sure I'll think of some 'nice to haves' along the way, but that's pretty much it! I have a full stash of cloth nappies: some that I used with my older daughters, and some new ones I've bought since. Like I mentioned a couple of weeks back, I also bought some newborn cloth nappies and a friend offered to lend me her stash of newborn nappies to supplement mine - so we are all taken care of there! Yay for budget babies! PS I was joking about the choloform. PPS And the pliers... and yes, the biting stick too.
(Find my Week 18 Pregnancy Diary here in case you missed it.)
I remember having this problem last time only at around 38 weeks, but I was much fitter last time and I was teaching ballet right up until 37 weeks, where now I spend most of my work day in front of a computer. Going to see a chiropractor really helped then. It probably saved me from a c-section actually. So I got some recommendations and went to see a local chiro here in Westville - Dr Jacob Nell.
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