Back to work... (Postpartum Musings)

I have a little obsession with baby toes

My maternity leave ended this week... I'd been approaching this day with mixed emotions. Being able to quantify my productivity is something I appreciate, but I also love being around to cuddle with my little squish at every opportunity. It goes by so quickly. You are just starting to emerge from the fog of the first 12 weeks, and the mini one is showing a real little personality and you're back at work again. (Super Quick Didn't-Make-It-Into-The-Water, Caught by Dad Home Birth Story here.)

My belly on the second day.

So how is little Isaac? Well, he is living up to his name (Isaac means 'he laughs') - he smiles and gurgles and coos at all and sundry, although his dad seems to have been relegated to 'not-the-momma' status as of late. He is a super chunkalicious 7.5kg at 14 weeks, very different from my girls who were quite petite.

While I love my ring sling that I made (using this tutorial), because once you've got the hang of it, it's quick to set up but also functions much like a hitchhiker's towel.  Well, it is no longer comfortable and my stretchy wrap is also just holding on. I have an ABC (African Baby Carrier) somewhere in our house, but in the various 'cleanups' I just can't find it anywhere... The catch-22 is that I won't be able to sort out more boxes without a back-carrier, but I'll need to sort those boxes to find my back-carrier - we'll just have to make a plan until then. Even with all the slings and wraps and carriers, it feels like every day is 'arm day' in our house! Who needs gym?

First time in the sling.

Breastfeeding has gone well. Even third time around I experienced those moments of frustration in the middle of the night, wondering if he was getting enough milk as he got frustrated at the breast, massaging plugged ducts and putting cream on tender nipples. Oh yes, and we survived the growth spurts too! We just took it one day, even one feed at time, and my favourite advice is to never quit at your lowest point. After all that I am pleased to say that even with my usual AA cup, we have not resorted to even one drop of formula. Yayness!

My husband has been incredible as always, waiting on me hand and foot when he could and feeding me through growth spurts, and keeping the older kids fed and watered so I could concentrate on the littlest. I love that he doesn't see himself as mom's sidekick, but as a co-parent. He doesn't do me any favours in the sense that we are a team working together to get our family where we need to be. He never babysits, or looks after the kids 'for me', no, he just parents them, like I do. 'Cos we're both parents. Fancy that!

I'm also particularly grateful that I've been able to go back to work at 6 hours instead of 8 hours a day, and we have someone at home who will be looking after him. I've been expressing a small stash so he has enough while I'm at work. While my supply is adequate, expressing is something I've always struggled with - the most I've ever been able to express was one time I got 180ml from both sides with a fancy double pump, where some women can get up to 500ml from each side. I feel like it's worth it though.

Another struggle is that my milk apparently has high lipase content, so smells 'off' quite quickly after being expressed as the lipase starts digesting the lipids. It doesn't damage the milk, but sometimes baby isn't too keen on the  taste. If I scald it on the stove before I store it then it wouldn't be a problem, but scalding 60-80ml of milk at a time seems pointless, so it just means I'm going to have to be diligent about keeping track of expressing and storing so I don't have to freeze too much.

Dimpled baby sausage fingers...
almost as cute as baby toes!

I just recently took down my birth affirmation posters from around our room. I was thinking of getting "Psalms in Color" to replace them, but I honestly haven't had time to do much colouring in the last three months. Any moment in which I had both hands to myself was usually spent taking care of personal hygiene and food needs. Having said that, it was amazing how many of the affirmations were still relevant... 'The only way out is through' and 'I can do it because I are doing it' being two specific examples.

In terms of physical recuperation I was thankful that my in-laws took the girls to stay with them for five days after Isaac was born. I was able to stay in bed and cuddle with my baby without interruption, and most of all, to rest as much as possible. As I wrote before, I was intending to do as little as possible for the first while, and I really did, until I reached a point where not getting out of the house was more depressing than staying at home to rest. I did manage to watch a whole lot of Netflix documentaries which I thoroughly enjoyed!

I have enjoyed having more energy than I had during pregnancy and co-sleeping has meant that I'm feeling more rested now than I felt during pregnancy. Because I birthed on my hands and knees I was able to control the descent of his head quite well, so didn't have any tearing or even much bruising, so that has helped I'm sure! I tried some belly-binding when I did start to be up and about, and I must say it did help me to feel supported and also to not get tired so quickly.

We have a great church community that brought us meals, and of the meals I cooked to freeze, we used the last one when he was ten weeks old. That was a win for sure. And, we somehow manage to fit three kids in our 5-seater car safely, although the first time I had all of them in there I was quite nervous... Precious cargo indeed!

He slept through his first visit
to the beach

Our cloth nappy stash seems to be holding up well. I loved having the newborn nappies for those early days, but he outgrew them quicker than I expected! We have moved onto his OSFM (one-size-fits-most) nappies, many of which I used with his older sister. We only just used up the disposables I got at my baby shower. Yay for budget babies!

I did get intensely lonely at times while on maternity leave, so I got involved in a moms group that meets once a week, and also met with some other moms on an ad hoc basis, some I had known before and others I had never met previously. In some ways I am sad that I won't be seeing them every week, as it feels like we were just getting over the small-talk period of a friendship, but with some we have arranged to meet up again, so I'm looking forward to building those new friendships.

One thing I discovered in the last two weeks which I'm sure will help, is something called 'Adventure Clubs' (On Android here)- it's a South African app you can download which shows you 'adventures' in your area, based on your GPS position. You can also sign up to lead adventures. It's been a lovely way to find relatively cheap things to do with my girls during their school holidays, along with other moms.

Taking advantage of the moms and tots parking!

About the girls, they just adore their little brother, and I haven't experienced any huge signs of jealousy with them. The younger of the girls especially loves hugging and kissing her baby brother, and it is beautiful to see how they are so loving towards him, gushing about how adorable he is and how they just love him so much. Long may it last!

Fortunately hubby has been able to take them to school in the mornings, so I have had that time to be with baby, but with the new school term starting again this week, I've had to be up for work too. Afternoon school runs are a challenge with different finishing times and various extramural activities, and in typical third child fashion, Isaac gets dragged / worn along to everything, from school plays to ballet concert photo shoots, sports days and many and various birthday parties.

The beginnings of that gummy grin.

As much as you try to be kind to yourself, life doesn't go on hold when you've had a baby, and while I've been on maternity leave, we've been dealing with some serious family health struggles, relational conflict situations, organizing kids' birthday parties along with unexpected financial setbacks - aren't they always unexpected though? - and another little person in the mix does seem to eat into one's capacity. I feel simultaneously less capable and more capable all at once.

He is a pretty easy baby, and even then, 

One getting teeth and the other losing them...

I must admit I'd forgotten how time consuming these little ones are. Having had a horribly colicky baby and a reasonably easy baby, I feel like they take similar amounts of time and effort physically, but the time spent on an easier baby seems less fraught while the more challenging baby seems to take more emotional energy. But that's just me. It could also be that my brain has blotted some parts of those early days with baby #1 out as some way of ensuring I would actually consider having another one...

I've given up eating dairy products with this little one as he started showing signs of colic / reflux. (I already eat a totally wheat-free diet) and it made a significant difference, as it did with my second child. I just wish I'd known with my first baby that dairy protein (specifically casein) can pass through breastmilk and cause colic and reflux, and even eczema. I think life would have been a bit easier way back then!

Drinking coffee on my own while Isaac has his trial with his carer.
I even wore a dress that I couldn't possibly breastfeed in.
Like coffee, bittersweet.

So after all that, even though I think I've had a well-supported, well-planned postpartum period, having done this three times now I can say for certain that those first few months after giving birth are always intense... From aching joy to biting loneliness, from the heights of pure delight to feeling utterly overwhelmed. 

It's amazing how you can feel full to beyond bursting point and echoingly empty and depleted within split seconds of each other. I'm not sure there are any emotions you don't experience in that first while. 

And so begins that long process of separation, from utter dependence to adamant independence. From that moment of the severing of the umbilical cord we're preparing them for a big wide world. The messy and fierce and squishy and rocky path of nudging them towards that independence that breaks our mother hearts even while we know that this was the point all along... 

What was your postpartum experience like?
Is there anything you would do differently if you were to have another child?
Anything you'd like to know about what to expect in the postpartum period?

Durban Doula's Pregnancy Diary - Week 38

So yes, we did it, we fetched the birth pool...And no, we haven't had the opportunity to make use of it yet!

After last week's crazy times, things have definitely improved. For starters I went for a full body pregnancy massage with Alison Strauss here in Westville, Durban. It was so good to be able to lie on my belly and just be pampered for a bit! I loved that it felt like she was truly working tension out of my muscles, but didn't hurt me at all. Heavenly!

Birth pool in my car today...
We may struggle to fit three car chairs in,
but we can fit the birth pool with ease!

I know she also does fertility massage, inducement and postpartum massage too... I'm trusting I won't need the inducement version, but a postpartum massage sounds like it fits right in with my postpartum plans!

I think what got to me this last week was being confronted by all my 'deepnesses' - my innermost fears and weaknesses. I remember reading a book once where the author suggested that many women struggle simultaneously with being both 'too much' and 'not enough':

I know I’m not alone in the nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I’ve ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. - Stasi Eldredge

My younger daughter's contribution.
With a little (requested) help from mom.

For me the 'not enough's would be: not energetic enough, not consistent enough and not strong enough, among others, and my 'too much's would be: too passionate, too emotional, too deep, too sensitive, too intense, and for a touch of paradox, too strong...
(As you can see I struggle more with the 'too much's.)

It has been especially difficult to find that my 'too much's and 'not enough's have caused pain to those I love.

Something in me wants to say I don't need affirmation from anyone, that I'll decide which of my lacks and excesses to embrace or accept or change, but as much as I believe in autonomy and independence, I am also passionate (there's that passion again!) about interdependence and empathy.

I'm grateful for a wonderful husband who gives me space to feel all my feels - the highs and the lows, the poignant and the glorious - accepting that every emotion is valid as an expression of my experience, and when I am able to express them without judgement, I am also freed from having to defend them and hold onto them to prove how justified I am in feeling them.

Once all my turmoil is acknowledged and accepted, then I can start to see through the mist and perceive more accurately what is going on - which are my genuine lacks and excesses and which are merely a matter of perspective?

My eldest daughter's contribution
to my birth affirmation wall.

Something that also helped me this last week a mental image I had of myself in our swimming pool, holding onto the edge with both hands, as if about to start swimming backstroke. It was tiring and not fun at all, and I just pictured myself pushing off from the wall to float out into the middle of the pool - to surrender to the support of the water. I've never been able to float in 'real life' but my daughter explained to me that you 'make your light parts heavy, and your heavy parts light'. Sounds like good advice for life too.

The baby station - changing mat,
clothes, nappies and blankets
with socks, hats and little bits
in the hanging thingie.
Birth supplies, hospital bag
(just in case) and
baby bag on the floor.

The impending birth of a baby seems to bring out all these deepnesses quite relentlessly. Even my husband has been struggling this week with a sense of something prodding right at the heart of his own perceived and real weaknesses. We've been able to recognise it for what it is, and I've been able to hold space for him to feel and express, just as he has held that space for me. After all of this, I do feel somewhat more ready for this birth. About time too!

I'm officially on maternity leave now which is wonderful, although I do have one or two work things to finish up next week. I really loved having my mom here to help gather some last supplies and finish a few projects,  Previously when my mom-in-law was here we managed to make some king size linen - we hadn't been able to afford enough initially - and with my mom here we managed to make a ring sling and a 'donut' - a padded floor cushion for baby.

The quilt so far - just needs three more strips.
BonBon approves!

I also got some more shirts from the thrift shop to cut up for my bedroom rug, and got my sewing machine fixed so I can finish the quilt. I've made peace with the possibility that the quilt won't be done in time - but you can see the pic to see how far I've managed to get! I just need three more strips like those you can see and then I'll have enough.

Yup, that's me
with the hobbity
looking feet :-)

I also saw Arlen again this last week - when I went to go fetch the birth pool. It is always so good to see her and talk through options and ideas. That is one thing I love about midwifery care - appointments are long enough to build a relationship of sorts. She can become familiar with my priorities and strengths and weaknesses, which means that the care I receive depends as much on who I am as it does on numbers and the measurements related to this pregnancy and birth, rather than being predominantly 'numbers' based as I found with my first baby.

With a belly this size, everyone wants to know when I'm due - I just say I've a few more weeks to go. I keep it vague because people usually don't remember the exact date anyway, and I also want to maintain my own headspace of letting things happen as they happen.

Me and my girls...

I had a chance to meet with some ladies to chat about our upcoming births - including things we had struggled with previously, as well as our expectations and fears for the births and babies we are currently awaiting. It was great to meet with like minded ladies to share encouragement and be encouraged!

So the question on everyone's minds is, 'When will this baby come?' It would be nice if we knew, but it's also refreshing that this is one of those times where you just have to wait. At my last checkup baby hadn't engaged yet - perfectly normal and expected for subsequent pregnancies - but my belly has dropped a bit since, and I get the oddest 'burrowing' sensations in my pelvis, so in that sense things are moving on.

I'm also getting some reasonably strong Braxton-Hicks contractions through the day, and some that wake me in the night, but again, nothing concrete.

My second baby arrived at 38 weeks on the dot, after a week of prodromal labour, but my first came at just past 40 weeks, so really, who knows!

So yeah, we just have to wait and embrace the process!

Finally finished this one!

Make sure you are following me  on Facebook at Giving Birth Naturally, 

or on Twitter at @DurbanDoula so you don't miss any announcements!

Durban Doula's Pregnancy Diary - Week 26

Our baby boy has a name...

Even though I'm planning my third natural birth,

I do still have moments of disbelief:

'This baby is coming out where?'

Get it on Etsy

Pikkewyn

No, that's not the name we'll be putting on his birth certificate, but that was the name my mom-in-law wrote on little one's Christmas gifts this year, so we're sticking with it for now. In case you're unfamiliar with the Afrikaans language and feeling a little lost, pikkewyn means 'penguin', hence the 'Happy Feet' references, quite fitting considering how active this little sproglet is! My attempt at phonetic pronounciation: Pikke - vein

As for his real name, we have some ideas, but we're not sharing them until he's born, just because we've had experiences in the past where we share our ideas and people make disparaging comments about our choices... You know who you are! So like we did with number 2, we'll wait until this one is born to announce a name.

Choosing names is such a funny thing. Personally I  don't like popular names - I remember an instance at school where there were 3 Michelles in our netball team, and Grants and Ryans and Marks were also everywhere. (Apologies to anyone with those names, they were just the first ones I could think of.) So we're trying to avoid that for our children, but it is a bit of a challenge!

When I chose Amelia for our eldest nearly 7 years ago, it was very unusual, like 350th in the list of girls' names or something like that, but has been steadily climbing the popularity charts since. As my husband is Afrikaans and I'm English, we need names that work in both languages, and of course there is always the matter of initials. With a surname like Jansen, we're staying away from names starting with B...

In progress... But one I needed this week!

Get it on Etsy

So I like older names, ones that are not common but also not too obscure, names with reasonably traditional spellings and positive meanings. So yes, finding a name we both like that meets all these requirements is a feat in itself!

I saw our midwife again this last week - all is well as expected. We had a good chat about plans leading up to the birth, including my questions on what the earliest possible date for a home birth is, and when I need to collect the birth pool I'm hiring from her, and checking on when to call in the troops come B-Day. In that discussion, I came to the realization that the possibility of going into premature labour or having premature rupture of membranes (i.e. waters breaking early) has been a bit of a preoccupation for me, even though I have none of the risk factors. 

Baby #1 - 27 weeks pregnant

I'm taking magnesium which has been known to help prevent premature labour, and I'm thinking of supplementing my vitamin C intake, something which has been shown to prevent premature rupture of membranes but I hadn't realised it was such a preoccupation until Arlen pointed it out, and I'm grateful she did. I've made the adjustment to remember that my body is wonderfully purpose-built for this task, and has proven itself trustworthy before, and I am an otherwise healthy and reasonably fit woman. I choose to trust my body, and I choose to nurture my body at the same time.

Baby #2
28 weeks pregnant

Speaking of nurturing my body, I need exercise! I've mentioned before that I'm feeling much creakier this time around, and I know it's due to lack of exercise, coupled with a general decrease in fitness levels over the last few years. It's usually my hips that feel unstable, and my core is generally weak as I'm feeling out of breath because I'm slouching too much. So in the new year I'll be taking the plunge and signing up for some antenatal exercise classes. I've been doing aqua exercising in the pool when I get a chance, but I need something a bit more structured. When I suggested it to hubby, he was immediately on board, especially considering it is an extra monthly expense. But I think he knows I'll be much more comfortable, and hence easier to live with, if I'm not feeling so creaky.

Ok, maybe I

am imagining it...

My feet look

swollen in this pic,

Time for another

lie-down methinks!

Just so you can see I'm not imagining that I'm carrying bigger this time around, I found a picture from my first pregnancy, taken at around 27 weeks, where you can see how tiny my bump was, and one from my second pregnancy as well. Despite bump size, apparently Pikkewyn is now just over 35cm long, about the length of an English cucumber from crown to heel, and weighs around 750g.

I'm really enjoying being on leave and we had a good time visiting with Hubby's family over Christmas. I got some crochet done, to the extent that I've depleted my stocks of t-shirt yarn that I was using to make a pouf for the lounge. (Any donations of holey t-shirts are welcome!) And I also got some time to colour in some of my new colouring book. The non-conformist in me detests fads, but when I saw this birth affirmation colouring book I knew I just had to get one! You can order them on Etsy via the link under the images if you'd like one yourself, but be warned, postage can take over 3 weeks so order sooner rather than later!

The cover pre-colouring.
Soften, Open, Release by Amber delaine

It's been lovely over the last few weeks to have friends and family be able to feel baby kicking. I love seeing their faces when he gives them a good strong jab! It seems his most active time is in the evenings after supper. Like clockwork he starts kicking in the same spot, and keeps wriggling about for a while, within about 15 minutes of me finishing my dinner. I'm not sure if it's the  noise of digestion, or the blood sugar boost, but it does give a great opportunity for me to prove I'm not just hiding a soccer ball under my shirt!

Post-Colouring...

The girls are fascinated with my belly button - my innie has become an outie! They think it's great fun to try push it in. It is so sweet how they spontaneously come and give the baby hugs and cuddles, I think they are going to have great fun being big sisters! As I've mentioned before we've been laying some groundwork for them to understand that little babies have big needs, and we're all a team helping everyone to get their needs met, and how giving time and attention doesn't equal giving more love, and giving them ways to express when their love tanks are feeling empty. I'm finding it amazing how perceptive and understanding they can be! I suppose we'll see how effective this has all been when the baby is actually here.

Hiding My Outie... No more toes peeping out!

So that's about all we have this week, no big mommy confessions this time... 

Find my moments of mourning last week here, otherwise follow me on Twitter - @DurbanDoula, or subscribe to the blog so you don't miss next week's update...

And, as before, if you have any questions or comments please submit them below! I love hearing from you!