How I explained menstruation to my daughters (aged 4 & 6)

The birds...

I think I have an unfair advantage on this 'Birds and Bees' thing with my girls. I'm a doula so the words vagina and placenta and sex and discharge (etc!) are all part of my daily vocabulary, so my girls have always grown up with (mostly) the correct terms for everything, except we've adopted the term 'yoni' to name their 'private parts'.

We use the term yoni as the term vagina technically only covers the bit you can't see i.e. the internal bits. In truth, you can't really wax your vagina, 'cos getting wax inside there would be both difficult, uncomfortable and unnecessary. The other term for the whole area, including urethra and vagina, is the pudendum, which literally means 'shameful place' - also not a term I'm happy using. Yoni seemed like a great alternative as it means 'sacred space', with the implication of being a place of creation, rather than 'sheath' which is what the term 'vagina' means...

Menstrual Cup
(Upside Down!)

I use a menstrual cup for my monthlies, so when my curious 5 year old found it and wanted to know why she couldn't play with it, I took it as my chance to make this into a learning opportunity. So this was how I explained menstruation to my then 5 year old:

You know when a baby grows inside a mom's belly, it grows in her womb? Womb sounds like room doesn't it? Well, the womb is like a room for the baby. (Many giggles trying to say womb and room as she struggles with her R's.)  

What is in your room? A bed? Well mommies' bodies are so clever that every month they make a bed in case mommy and daddy make a baby there.  

What carries food and life around our bodies? Yes, blood! (We had this discussion before.) So our clever bodies make a special bed out of special blood to feed a baby just in case. But if we don't put the baby there, then the bed gets old, and it has to come out, so then the blood comes out by your vagina, but it isn't bad blood like when you get hurt, it's very special blood. So we use the cup to catch the blood so it doesn't make a mess, isn't that clever? Then next month mommy's body makes a whole new bed in the womb / room and it starts all over again. Isn't that amazing? So when you were a baby in my belly, you had your own room, my womb! And you climbed into the bed my womb made and that's where you grew and grew and grew, getting your food and oxygen from my blood until you were big enough to come out. Aren't you glad there was a bed ready for you? 

To be honest, she was happy with that, and on that occasion she didn't really want more information about how babies get put there, although we have previously had a discussion about how dad puts a seed in mom's womb, and then the egg and the seed together make a baby, exactly how that happens she hasn't asked, but I think she has an idea. Once you know the anatomy, the mechanics are pretty obvious!

...and the bees.
(Who thought of that anyway?)

And the girls both know they came out of my yoni, so that part is also easy!

Speaking of anatomy, we have a lovely big kids' anatomy book with accurate cross section diagrams, so we have studied genitalia along with all the other parts and organs, which has really helped it to be less awkward. In general, I think if we are unfussed and matter of fact, they will be too. Or maybe this is one thing we can learn from them?

Like with menstruation, even now I can tell my girls that when the old bed is coming out it can sometimes be a bit sore, so on those days I take extra special care of myself, and I tell them that one day when they start having a period every month, I'll take extra special care of them on those days too. There are some lovely gift packs you can get to celebrate a girl's menarche or first menstruation - something I'll definitely look at!

I don't want menstruation to be a case of, 'Here are some pads, don't let your brother see,' but rather a celebration of our capacity to bring forth life out of our bodies. Our Western culture seems to see women's bodies as inherently 'unclean': natural birth is and amniotic fluid is 'gross' rather than glorious, breastmilk is a seen as a biohazard with working moms being told they can't rinse their pump parts in the office kitchen sink. But any old cow's milk is fine. Um. No. I recorded this YouTube video on that topic - take a look and let me know your thoughts!

I know women who were told that their vaginas were essentially putrid, seeping wounds, and while the experience of many may not be quite so discouraging, I think it comes close. I'd like my girls to see their vaginas as powerful channels that facilitate both pleasure and procreation. So for example, if a daughter is presenting her gorgeous yoni to the world, where another mother may say, 'Sies! Put that away! No on wants to see that!' I've tried to rather take the line that our yonis are so special and precious that we only show them to people we trust, people who know how special and precious they are - which leads on to a whole discussion on what we can do to protect our children from sexual predators, but we'll leave that for another time.

So with menstruation and intercourse and childbirth and various stages of a woman's life, I have a sneaky (but pretty well founded) suspicion that if we approached the process with less shame, we might experience less pain, and consequently more pleasure.  I certainly have found that my struggles with menstruation closely match my prevailing mental state, and my experiences of childbirth have also largely mirrored my confidence in my body's ability to give birth without mishap. As for my girls, ask me in 6 years!

How were you taught, or not taught about menstruation? What helped you the most in coming to terms with your changing body? Share your thoughts below!

The day Kate called the Midwives...

Being the birth junkie that I am, I couldn't avoid all the press about the newest princess in the British Royal Family, especially considering that Kate Middleton is reported to have had a lovely, quick, uncomplicated birth.

View image | gettyimages.com

We'll never know all the details. I'm assuming it would be considered untoward and most certainly inappropriate to share whether a member of the Royal Family required stitches or gave birth in water or any of the other details so savoured by those who read birth stories.

But actually, it's not those details, or the lack thereof, that inspired this blog post. So in celebration of International Day of the Midwife... Here goes!

Let's start with the good news:

Duchess Catherine chose to be attended primarily by midwives, and the midwives worked as a team with the gynaecologists and perinatologist and various other designated officials.

But, what irks me is how patriarchal ideas about birth are being perpetuated in the press surrounding the event.

I hear you sigh - 'Grouchy Feminist on the loose!'

Actually, even my husband was appalled at the language used about the Duchess' birth. Let's have a look at some quotes and take it from there:

About her birth team, a headline from 'The Telegraph':

Royal baby: meet the doctors who delivered Kate Middleton's second child

Alan Farthing and Guy Thorpe-Beeston led a team of four that delivered the royal baby at St Mary's Hospital in Paddington (Ref)

This headline was followed by 11 paragraphs, or around 358 words describing their respective Curriculum Vitae and detailing how and when they met and married their wives. There was also a mention of the gynaecologist who wasn't there this time around, and even a quote by aforementioned absent gynaecologist to round things out. Interspersed in the quagmire of qualifications and dates, was one line, in the second to last paragraph:

They over saw a team of midwives looking after the Duchess in the Lindo Wing. (Ref)

Names? Qualifications? Families? Quotes? Nil. Zip. Nada. Nope.

Based in the US, the 'Boston Newstime' also published a rather extensive article detailing every aspect of the birth. In their section on the medical team, give or take 350 words are again devoted to the achievements and qualifications of the non-midwife medical team, including around 130 words about, or by, Sir Marcus Setchell, that same guy who wasn't even there. To his credit, his words did include a description of the nameless midwifery team at Prince George's birth as 'perfectly wonderful'. (Ref)

That full quote: Sir Marcus described the midwifery team as "perfectly wonderful" but added: "There are certain situations when someone is giving birth that it's important not just to have a specialist sort of available at the end of a telephone, but actually in the same room to deal with anything that's immediately going to be wrong." (Ref) (Emphasis added)

Are midwives not specialists then? Something 'that's immediately going to be wrong'? Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume this was just a slip of the tongue and that he didn't intrinsically see birth as an emergency waiting to happen that only someone with a Doctor's qualification could solve.


'Midwifery Team' - Names? Qualifications? No? Ok. I suppose the only qualification necessary is that the good doctor felt they were 'perfectly wonderful' - no names needed.

Princess Charlotte of Cambridge already has her own Wikipedia entry - but according the entry as it stands today (5th May 2015), there were apparently no midwives involved:
The baby was delivered by Alan Farthing, surgeon-gynaecologist to Queen Elizabeth II, and Guy Thorpe-Beeston, an expert in high-risk pregnancies and surgeon-gynaecologist of the Royal Household; both were present at the birth of the Cambridges' first child, Prince George, in 2013. (Ref)

But wait, 'The Inquisitr News', among others, reported on the 2nd of May that even though the 'suited surgeons' got most of the press coverage, they 'simply looked on to ensure that everything was going as planned ... the midwives were the ones that actually delivered both Prince George and the new Princess' (Ref)

So 'The Daily Mail' comes to our rescue, with the following headline:

Call the midwives! The calm duo who delivered the Princess after striking up close rapport with Kate

I'm so grateful they were calm. Not like those hysterical midwives you usually get...

At least here we have a mention of their qualifications:

Midwives Arona Ahmed and her boss, Jacqui Dunkley-Bent, Professor of midwifery at Imperial College Healthcare NHS Trust (Ref)

Professor of Midwifery! How delightful! 'Perfectly wonderful'! But not a 'specialist' according to the absent gynaecologist. 

The other qualifications of the midwives were summed up in the following sentence:

Both women are experienced, unflappable and have the full confidence of the obstetricians. (Ref)

Ah! There it is! You see, they had the full confidence of the obstetricians. Professor of Midwifery notwithstanding. Perfectly wonderful!

And don't get me started on how Kate was 'delivered of' her baby, as though she just lay there while someone else did all the work, or as though she was possessed rather than pregnant.

P.S. So in case you can't see what bugs me about this - it's the whole issue of gatekeeping - how is it that the men who weren't there and or didn't do anything except 'oversee' get the praise, the press and lists of qualifications and full biographies, while the midwives who did the work, whom the Duchess chose, are, on the whole, invisible, nameless and voiceless, and are qualified by the opinions of the doctors above anything else.

And then there's that line I haven't mentioned - where a number of news outlets state that Kate had opted to be seen first by midwives, and apparently a 'source' had qualified this with 'What the duchess wants, the duchess gets.' (Ref)

Like a child that wants ice-cream for breakfast.
Not like a rational adult woman with an actual choice in how she gives birth.
Perfectly wonderful!

Thoughts?  Please comment!

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Just 'cos he looked at your cookie...

'Just 'cos he looked at your cookie doesn't mean he's the one!'

I wish I had actually said that out loud. 

A pregnant mom was telling me about how she was considering a midwife-assisted birth but was leaning towards staying with her gynae, even though she knew his shocking C-section stats, because, you know, he had done her pap smears for the last 7 years. 

What is it with us that we don't want to disappoint people? We don't want our gynaes to feel rejected? Is that it? Because really, I don't think it's mutual. 

That a woman will stick with a gynae she is unsure of, because he has poked around 'down there' a bit, because he wrote a script for some Clomid, because he did the job that she paid him to do, even though she knows his C-Section rate is over 80%, I can't understand.

Like every abused woman contemplating whether or not she should leave, she believes him when he says, 'Natural birth is Plan A,' (even though the numbers say otherwise) and she believes that this time it will be different. 'I'm not like those other girls,' she says. 

I love gynaes, I really do. I especially love it when they do what they are good at - and it's not a stretch of the imagination to think they also enjoy doing what they are good at. What they are good at is dealing with situations when something is not quite as it should be, where there is a problem, or an emergency, or a real risk. To be honest, they are not trained to deal with plain old physiology. It is unfair to expect them to recognise it.

Like the teller at the bank who can recognise a counterfeit because of years of experience with authentic bank notes, so a provider with experience in physiology can recognise a problem before it becomes a problem.

Everything looks like a nail...

If you want surgery, you hire a surgeon. 

Otherwise, find someone who understands the difference between dealing with disease or trauma and supporting a physiological function.

Everything looks like a nail if you have a hammer in your hand.

But this is not the point I want to make. Where should your loyalty lie? With your care provider? I'm not so sure. Like I said, I'm not convinced the feeling is always mutual. You are one of many. In short:

The axe forgets, the trees remembers.

Should it lie with your family, your community, society at large? Again, I'm not so sure. Will they have to deal with the fallout of any problems? Probably not as acutely as you would have to. As the parent/s, you alone are held accountable in the end. If you leave the decisions up to others without knowing the facts for yourself, you are not making a free choice, but you will have to deal with the consequences of that choice.

This may come as a shock to many, but primarily you need to be loyal to your baby, and yourself. You, plural, are the priority here. A doctor's busy schedule or fear of litigation, or your mother-in-law's fear issues, the friend who referred you to that doctor to start with, the fact that the gynae saw your vagina already so what the hell - these do not deserve your loyalty. 

What is best for you, the motherbaby unit? Are you being treated as an individual or a number? A person or a potential litigator? An rational being or an irritation? Are you a participant or a patient?

Do whatever it takes to find someone who will treat you as a person, an autonomous individual capable of making good decisions. Someone who will give you all the relevant information - the pros and cons of every procedure, who takes your concerns seriously and is not threatened when you volunteer information that may be contrary to the current suggestion. Are your fears treated flippantly and your desires with disdain?  It is never too late to change providers.

If you need a second opinion, get one. Don't stall for fear of offending.

Do what it takes to get the options and opportunities that you and your family deserve. 

Whatever you do, remember that just because he looked at your cookie, it doesn't mean he's the one!

(In case you thought I was totally anti-gynae, I have some thoughts to share in an upcoming post. In short, I sometimes think our gynaes and obstetric nurses are the most disempowered of all...)

But until then, How did you find your care provider for your birth? Were you happy? Would you rather have changed? What advice would you give to moms who are having doubts about the person they've chosen to assist in the birth of their baby? Let us know below...

Obstetrics - Bastion of misogyny

Miso-what?

by Barbara Kruger

Misogyny (miss-odge-a-knee) literally means 'hatred of women' - but just as we understand that a paedophile doesn't really 'love' children, so the term misogyny has come to refer to having an inherent prejudice towards women, usually to their detriment.

I get that referring to obstetrics as a bastion of misogyny is a strong statement to make - Didn't huge numbers of women die in childbirth before maternity wards and hospitals and operating theatres? What is wrong with that? You don't become a gynaecologist or obstetric nurse unless you want to help women, right? How is that missy-, misod... hating women?

This has been a very difficult post to write. It is a real challenge to get the balance between describing the misogyny, if not outright abuse that women are experiencing under obstetric care, whilst acknowledging that there are many care providers who do not intend to practice in this way. I would like to put forward the idea that it is not every individual in the obstetrics industry that is consciously misogynistic (although some are), but that the institution of obstetrics itself utilizes deeply entrenched misogyny as its foundation. For one example, see here.

Therefore even those who are not personally invested in the practice of misogyny feel stuck in a system that cannot function without it.

If you are still a wary, let's try something. I found this site (among others) containing a list of the characteristics of a misogynist. If we personify the obstetrics industry, how many of the characteristics of a misogynist does it fulfill?
Before you read the list below - please remember this is not about doctors vs midwives or men vs women - I have seen internalised misogyny practiced and perpetuated by midwives and doctors, male and female. I believe we are dealing with a system that is inherently misogynistic, but is allowed to continue as such because women are told that the misogyny is for their own good. 

Characteristics of a misogynist:

•  Controls women by destroying their self-confidence
• 'Are you sure you don't need an epidural?' (x10)
• *checks dilation* 'You are only 3cm dilated.'
• 'Failure to Progress.'

•  Needs to ensure that women are always less powerful than he is
• Stirrups
• Lithotomy position
• 'My gynae said he/she will/won't let me...'

• Intimidates women by constantly finding fault with them
• 'Let's see if this naughty cervix is behaving.'
• 'This perineum is far too small - we'll need to do an episiotomy.' *head not even visible*
• 'Be quiet - You're making too much noise!'
• 'What size shoe are you?'

• Humiliates women in public and devalues their opinions
• *Calls the doula over to show her why the episiotomy will be necessary and why more time won't help by demonstrating how 'small' the mother's vagina is with his two fingers while she has full sensation and without her consent.* (Mother is on her back. Ends up cutting three times.)

• Must ALWAYS win in a discussion with or about women – all encounters with or about women are seen as a battle to be won.
• 'Well if you want to have a doula you'll have to find another gynae...'
• 'Well, you can either listen to me or you can have a dead baby.' - otherwise known as playing the 'Dead Baby Card'
• 'You know you can't trust Dr Google,' when a mother tries to present a peer-reviewed journal article on how delayed cord clamping may be beneficial.

• Blames women for failings that are in no way related to them
• 'Failure to Progress' is often more a case of 'Failure to Wait'. When a mom is strapped to monitors and not allowed to stand up and eat and be normal it is no wonder that labour stalls!
• 'We'll have to give formula because your milk hasn't come in yet.' *Less than 24 hours after birth.* Anyone who knows the least bit about breastfeeding knows milk only comes in at around three days after birth. 
• 'It seems your pelvis is too small to deliver this baby.' Said by the same person requiring the mother to be on her back in the position most likely to restrict opening of the pelvis.

• Blame women for his own failings and shortcomings
• 'The Caesarian rate is so high because women's pelves (pelvises) are getting smaller.'

•  Denies women's feelings and makes them wrong for feeling them
• 'It wasn't that bad. At least you have a healthy baby!'

• Makes jokes or derogatory comments about women and then ridicules any woman who gets offended or upset

• Belittles or ignores women's accomplishments
• 'It must have been the atarax.' *After mother reached 8cm from 3cm dilation in 3 hours through some Rebozo sifting, moving around and changing positions.*

• Has no remorse or guilt for the pain he causes women
• 'But I saved you!'

• Tries to keep women from doing things they are qualified to do
• Like being able to make decisions about what they do with their own bodies.

•  Selectively quotes authorities to substantiate his views and positions on women
• 'Cochrane Review? Pfft! I only trust the British Medical Journal on these matters.' i.e. the extent of his research is on how to do better surgery, not on how to avoid surgery to begin with.

• Will confuse issues by changing the subject, denial, word jugglery, lying, twisting the facts or acting as if nothing happened
• 'If you tear, it will be jagged and we will have to cut the jagged edges off and then sew it together.'
• 'Your baby will drown if you give birth in the water.'

• Is preoccupied with sex and is sexually controlling
• Ever heard of the 'husband stitch'?
• 'Don't you think your husband would rather you had a Caesarean?'

• He has problems with authority figures in general and women in authority in particular.
• Outspoken and experienced midwives (as opposed to obstetric nurses) in general and private midwives in particular are often seen as the enemy and are accused of giving women all sorts of crazy ideas.

• Has a Jekyll and Hyde personality - Nice to you in public, but cuts you down in private
• 'My gynae is very pro-natural.' *When I know his CS rate is over 85%*
• 'My gynae is very happy for me to try for a vbac.' *When I know the success rate of VBACs in that hospital is less than 5%*
• 'My gynae said I can have a water birth.' *When the midwife on duty says she's never seen this doctor allow a first time mom to deliver in the water.* 

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So before you start roaring at me in ALL CAPS saying that birth attendants aren't all like that, I totally agree. I know some truly incredible birth attendants and caregivers who have utmost respect for the birth process and birthing women. But they struggle in a system that does not represent these ideals. Read Dr Gauri Lowe's account of her obstetric training as a GP here: Thoughts on expecting natural birth service from your doctor...

Even though all the quotes above are actual quotes or situations I have heard / experienced / read, I understand that they do represent extremes, and yes, I understand that many individuals do not consciously perpetuate these misogynistic language and behaviour patterns, but until someone calls them out, the abuse will continue. A woman should feel safe and secure and supported no matter what her race or social class or education or risk category. 

Edited to add:
In describing obstetrics as the last outpost of misogyny, I don't intend to minimise other expressions of misogyny, both explicit and implicit, but I do feel that obstetrics is a particularly well guarded bastion of the ideology, because it is one of the most widely accepted and widely justified areas of misogyny. In short, 'It's for their own good.'

Further reading: 

Birth: A surprising history of how we are born by Tina Cassidy (On Takealot)
Dr Robbie Davis-Floyd (Anthropologist) - Articles on Childbirth and Obstetrics

Birthing Day...

When a baby is born, so is a mother. 

Photographer: Karen E

I always thought that was a cute, if not trite, little saying. Until I had my own babies.

I have come to realise that having children entails a massive core identity shift for many women - more so than getting married or a first menstruation or any other of life's transitional experiences. The shift often takes us by surprise in its nature and its magnitude. 

Ask any mother which she remembers in greater details, her wedding day or the births of each of children. Almost all the women I have asked have far more acute memories of the triumphs or tragedies of their birthing days than their wedding days. (I'm not sure of the equivalent life experience to ask about for women who haven't been married - if you have any ideas let me know!)

Three years ago my youngest daughter was born and even though we celebrate this day, the 18th of June as her birthday it was, as cheesy as it sounds, a birth-day of sorts for me too. 

I birthed my first daughter in a drug free natural birth in a private hospital in Pietermaritzburg. I was on my back doing purple pushing, but for most of the nurses there it was the most natural birth they had seen in many months - especially considering the number of nurses who came in to congratulate me with awed whispers of 'We heard what you did!' 

My gynae told me it was one birth out of a thousand and that totally freaked me out! To me it was a normal birth, an 'average' birth, an example of how most women could and did give birth but I have since discovered that there is far too much hospital policy, often not evidence based, and not enough support for moms (read: doulas) for this to be the norm.

It was an intense experience for me. I have never broken a bone or dislocated anything or had kidney stones or anything like that, so it was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. But I felt confident, I felt supported and at no point did I feel as though I was suffering. 

I learned a little more over the intervening years and chose to have a water birth at home for the birth of my second daughter. That was an utterly life altering experience. Here is a link to the full story: Eloise's Birth (will open in a new window)

I essentially had an unassisted birth with a midwife in the room. I had said to my midwife, Sr Arlen Ege, that I wanted to do as much myself as I could, unless I asked for help or unless she could see that intervention was necessary, and she gave me the gift of respecting my wishes. So I had an exquisite physiological birth after a week of on-and-off labour (check the link for more details) and it was a highlight of my life. 

I was high on endorphins and oxytocin for what seemed like weeks afterwards and I truly felt like I could take on the world! 

And so I firmly believe that when both my babies were born, new facets of who I am today were birthed at the same time. 

Photographer: Karen E

My babies showed me how to think of someone else before myself, how to nurture and how to love. They showed me reserves of strength and patience that I had no idea I had. They also showed me my limits and my weaknesses - and I have been able to grow through those times. They brought out the fierce mama bear in me - the wild woman who roars in the face of danger and hardship. 

They have also drawn out my softest tear-blurred gazes and inspired my proudest heart-busting moments. 

One thing that I adore about being a doula is that I have the privilege of walking alongside women as they make this transition. I get to witness the birth on so many levels!

So today everyone celebrates my daughter's birthday, and rightly so, I have had many of my own! But on this day I secretly celebrate my own birthing days, those hallowed moments of encountering the exquisite juicy rawness of human life. 

I give them gifts, as parents do, but no book or toy can come close to the gifts my daughters have brought me - the gift of becoming more fully myself, the gift of finding my calling, the gift of becoming a mother.

Love Makes Things Grow...

A little lightheartedness... (teehee)

At the place where I work they had to dig up some pipes at one stage and before there was a chance to replace the tar, this patch of grass happened.

As I walked past it on my way to my car one afternoon the words 'Love makes things grow' just popped into my head and I've been ruminating on them ever since.

So please feel free to share this pic, or Pin It and spread it far and wide because everyone needs to know that love makes things grow!

Pinning Tip: If you hover over the image a 'Pin It' button should appear.

Hindrances to Natural Birth #37: Mobile Phones

(This is the second post in a series on Hindrances to Natural Birth. The first was a post on how tickets specifically, and time pressure generally, can get in the way of natural birth.)

If you have a mobile phone, cellular telephone, or any other kind of mobile device that you can receive messages on that beeps or buzzes or whatever - then this post is for you.

Even if you aren't pregnant yourself... actually... *especially* if you aren't pregnant yourself - please take note!

Mobile phones can be great. I love my mobile! It helps me keep in contact with my clients, stay on top of emails, do research on the spot, listen to music, take pics of my kids, make to-do lists... I think I'd be lost without it. Mobile devices make our lives easier in many ways - but constant connectivity can have its problems too.

We've read the blog posts about being present in our actual real-life flesh-and-blood lives, we've watched the videos about 'looking up' - that is not everything this post is about.

I can't tell the number of times I have been with a mom resting beautifully between contractions, breathing splendidly through them - serene, undisturbed - and the mobile phone goes off. Buzzing or beeping - both intrude equally on silence.

As if the noise wasn't enough, someone feels compelled to check - to reply - to repeat the question the sender is asking - How far is she? How long to go? How is she doing?

Someone tries to answer the impossible questions - within earshot of a mother who previously was utterly self contained and calm.

'She's only 4cm.'
'It will be at least another 6 hours.'
'She seems to be coping well at the moment.'

Every statement is innocuous on the surface, but carrying an undertone of measuring her up against some fictional standard of how birth happens.

I get that labour can take a long time. It can get boring. Dads can feel awkward and useless in the labour process and checking the news on an iPad helps pass the time.

But like I said in my previous post - oxytocin - the hormone that initiates labour and keeps it going - is a shy hormone. Its release is hindered when a mom feels like her performance is being measured. Those messaging her do so innocently out of concern for the mom and baby. Everyone is understandably excited when a baby is on the way - especially grandparents! But often messages, even the loving and encouraging ones, can be perceived as pressure to do well, to perform.

I know how I am whenever I hear someone is in labour! I'd love a contraction by contraction update. But I also know the possible negative consequences.

Imagine if you had to give a moment by moment update of your honeymoon night... Such an exciting time! A night of new beginnings! Still not keen? I don't blame you.

But what if everyone with an interest in the birth knew that their excitement, and their incessant messaging and even calling could be hindering the mother's intentions for a natural birth? Mothers and close female friends and relatives often bring their own baggage around birth into their interactions with a birthing mom - their own bad experiences, their own cultural anxieties - both of which are unhelpful.  

Every mom needs her team to show their unwavering confidence in her ability to do this birth thing. You are responsible for the energy you bring into your interactions with her. Remember that.

As soon as baby is born, partners are often so busy messaging everyone all the vitals that they can miss out on some of those precious moments of witnessing a baby experience gravity and texture and temperature and light all at once for the very first time.

Image by George Ruiz on Flickr

It's not the partner's fault. He is the link between the mom and the outside world - rather him than her - and there is absolutely nothing wrong with spreading good news! He is meeting all sorts of expectations from family and friends to make sure they are the first to know every bit of progress as it happens. And they have even less of an idea of how long birth takes than he has!

This is a sacred moment. Be there. Whether you send the message now or in an hour's time - it won't make a huge difference to them - but it can make a difference to you and your baby.

Some solutions:

• Set up a messaging group on something like Whatsapp. Any and all labour updates and questions go through the Whatsapp group. No exceptions.
• Warn people beforehand that you will be totally out of contact during labour - and even during the last few weeks of pregnancy - outside of the messaging group.  Set the expectation that you will give information as things happen - no news is good news. When a mom is feeling uncomfortable at the end of her pregnancy, getting 15 messages a day asking her is the baby has arrived yet is just not helpful!
• Set any mobile devices to silent *without* vibration. Check your mobile device/s when it is convenient for you. Make sure technology is your servant and not your master.
• Get a doula. Some partners think that having a doula there will give you less to do, but doulas often help dads to feel far more relaxed and less likely to feel the need to 'escape' into Candy Crush or Minecraft - and doulas help partners to anticipate mom's needs and give ideas on how to help her. Most doulas are also really good at taking pics so dad's hands can be free to help mom.
• Be okay with waiting. Sitting holding the mom's hand for 2/4/10 hours straight may seem boring to you but just your quiet presence can mean the world to her. You only get one chance at this. Be there.

Please share your thoughts and solutions with us!