(This is the second post in a series on Hindrances to Natural Birth. The first was a post on how tickets specifically, and time pressure generally, can get in the way of natural birth.)
If you have a mobile phone, cellular telephone, or any other kind of mobile device that you can receive messages on that beeps or buzzes or whatever - then this post is for you.
Even if you aren't pregnant yourself... actually... *especially* if you aren't pregnant yourself - please take note!
Mobile phones can be great. I love my mobile! It helps me keep in contact with my clients, stay on top of emails, do research on the spot, listen to music, take pics of my kids, make to-do lists... I think I'd be lost without it. Mobile devices make our lives easier in many ways - but constant connectivity can have its problems too.
We've read the blog posts about being present in our actual real-life flesh-and-blood lives, we've watched the videos about 'looking up' - that is not everything this post is about.
I can't tell the number of times I have been with a mom resting beautifully between contractions, breathing splendidly through them - serene, undisturbed - and the mobile phone goes off. Buzzing or beeping - both intrude equally on silence.
As if the noise wasn't enough, someone feels compelled to check - to reply - to repeat the question the sender is asking - How far is she? How long to go? How is she doing?
Someone tries to answer the impossible questions - within earshot of a mother who previously was utterly self contained and calm.
'She's only 4cm.'
'It will be at least another 6 hours.'
'She seems to be coping well at the moment.'
Every statement is innocuous on the surface, but carrying an undertone of measuring her up against some fictional standard of how birth happens.
I get that labour can take a long time. It can get boring. Dads can feel awkward and useless in the labour process and checking the news on an iPad helps pass the time.
But like I said in my previous post - oxytocin - the hormone that initiates labour and keeps it going - is a shy hormone. Its release is hindered when a mom feels like her performance is being measured. Those messaging her do so innocently out of concern for the mom and baby. Everyone is understandably excited when a baby is on the way - especially grandparents! But often messages, even the loving and encouraging ones, can be perceived as pressure to do well, to perform.
I know how I am whenever I hear someone is in labour! I'd love a contraction by contraction update. But I also know the possible negative consequences.
Imagine if you had to give a moment by moment update of your honeymoon night... Such an exciting time! A night of new beginnings! Still not keen? I don't blame you.
But what if everyone with an interest in the birth knew that their excitement, and their incessant messaging and even calling could be hindering the mother's intentions for a natural birth? Mothers and close female friends and relatives often bring their own baggage around birth into their interactions with a birthing mom - their own bad experiences, their own cultural anxieties - both of which are unhelpful.
Every mom needs her team to show their unwavering confidence in her ability to do this birth thing. You are responsible for the energy you bring into your interactions with her. Remember that.
As soon as baby is born, partners are often so busy messaging everyone all the vitals that they can miss out on some of those precious moments of witnessing a baby experience gravity and texture and temperature and light all at once for the very first time.
|Image by George Ruiz on Flickr|
This is a sacred moment. Be there. Whether you send the message now or in an hour's time - it won't make a huge difference to them - but it can make a difference to you and your baby.
- Set up a messaging group on something like Whatsapp. Any and all labour updates and questions go through the Whatsapp group. No exceptions.
- Warn people beforehand that you will be totally out of contact during labour - and even during the last few weeks of pregnancy - outside of the messaging group. Set the expectation that you will give information as things happen - no news is good news. When a mom is feeling uncomfortable at the end of her pregnancy, getting 15 messages a day asking her is the baby has arrived yet is just not helpful!
- Set any mobile devices to silent *without* vibration. Check your mobile device/s when it is convenient for you. Make sure technology is your servant and not your master.
- Get a doula. Some partners think that having a doula there will give you less to do, but doulas often help dads to feel far more relaxed and less likely to feel the need to 'escape' into Candy Crush or Minecraft - and doulas help partners to anticipate mom's needs and give ideas on how to help her. Most doulas are also really good at taking pics so dad's hands can be free to help mom.
- Be okay with waiting. Sitting holding the mom's hand for 2/4/10 hours straight may seem boring to you but just your quiet presence can mean the world to her. You only get one chance at this. Be there.
Please share your thoughts and solutions with us!