Durban Doula's Pregnancy Diary Week 16

Week 16? Four months? WHAT?

Peep toe shoes peeping...

I sometimes feel this is all passing me by a little too quickly... in four weeks I'll be half way there!

Maybe I'm feeling that way because things have been a little crazy this last week... crazy in a good way though.

In this week's edition of my pregnancy diary: Goggles, Wardrobe Issues, Belly Pics, Cloth Diapers and VBACs... and of course, the fresh produce size comparison

Goggles

So my eldest daughter told me I must get her some new goggles, so that when the baby comes she is going to put her Hello Kitty swimming costume on, with her new goggles, and she can watch the baby come out under the water. Momma isn't too sure about how she feel about this, but ok, we'll see how it goes!

My youngest (4) has also started whispering to baby (through my belly) and then pressing her ear to my belly for an answer. They are both still utterly convinced we are having a boy.

Wardrobe Issue

It's been a hot day in
Durban today!

One thing I am struggling with this time around is clothes. I hate taking forever to get dressed, but honestly, I'm really running out here! I think my style of dress has changed to a slightly more corporate feel since I was last pregnant over four years ago - I don't have as many pants with elasticated waists as I used to have, and my blouses tend to be more fitting / structured than they were in the past. So this week I'm planning to put everything I can't wear to one side in my wardrobe, so I don't get depressed having to look through it all every day in search of something I can still wear! I think I am going to have to buy few items though - I've already found some built in support vests with a bit of extra length that I can wear under everything else, and I'm thinking of making myself some more harem pants, the ones that look almost like a skirt, as I find them extremely comfortable - especially in summer when you can wear them as an 'all-in-one' just by pulling the elasticated band up over your chest. I think tops will be my biggest need though - I'll have a look through my sewing patterns and see what could work...

Belly Pics 

About size, I honestly do feel much bigger this time than I did with either of the girls... I don't know if I mentioned previously, but last time I was still wearing skinny jeans with no issues when I was 4 months pregnant. I get that I sound like that annoying friend with no kids and an immaculate house who always profusely excuses the (non-existent) mess when you come over... 

But still, I still have those same skinny jeans and they are feeling much tighter on the belly. So obviously the thought of twins crosses my mind, as I think it does with every mom at 2 am in the morning. We'll have to wait until 20 weeks to find out though, but honestly I think it's just a third pregnancy thing! The girls seem pretty keen on twins though. The eldest has already told me I'm having twin boys, and one of them can sleep by her, and when he wants mommy milkies, she'll bring him to me and take the other baby to sleep by her. All organised!

Apparently baby is the size of an avocado now, about 11.6cm long (crown to rump) and weighing in at about 100g, although that weight is apparently due to double over the next two weeks! And in true pregnancy fashion, this talk of avocados, and searching for free avocado images on the net has made me crave avocados - so I messaged hubby and asked him to bring some on his way home. Apparently baby has started growing toenails and eyes and ears are getting closer to their final positions.

Cloth Nappies

My newborn cloth nappy 'stash' so far...

One thing about third babies, is that they get all the hand-me-downs from the bigger kids in terms of car chairs and general baby gear - which is a great financial boost for us, but sometimes it is nice to have something special for this baby, and so being the pragmatic person that I am, I bought some newborn sized reusable cloth nappies for this little sproglet. I used cloth nappies with both my girls, but before you panic, these are not your ouma's cloth nappies lying about in buckets of Steri-Nappy! You get all sorts of different kinds now - some that are as easy to put on as disposables, some with snaps, some with velcro, and many with a 'One-Size-Fits-Most' style. You can find out more about cloth nappies in South Africa on the FB group South African Cloth Nappy Users, they'll direct you to the groups that are specifically set up for buying, selling and trading cloth nappies.

I was only one of two people I knew using them back in 2009 when my daughter was born, and back then there were only 4 brands available in SA; now there are many many more options in terms of style, colour, fabric and print! To be honest I find the scope of choice quite overwhelming, where others love to have a collection of many different types.

I started using them originally because I couldn't bear the thought of my grown daughter one day asking what we were thinking letting every baby generate a couple of tons of biohazardous waste that would only start decomposing in 500 years in the name of 'convenience' - convenient for whom I'm sure she would ask?

Cloth nappies nowadays are so easy to wash, and I saved a fortune with my girls, as you can often reuse them for a second or third child, or if they are well looked after they can be sold once your babies are done with them. It really was a no-brainer for me!

Newborn nappy on the left, OSFM on the right!
See that middle snap on the newborn nappy?
You snap that down so it doesn't irritate the cord stump.
Clever hey?

So back to those newborn nappies... the OSFM (One-Size-Fits-Most) did fit my babies from about 3.5kg onward, but they looked like little butternut bums! There was none of this fancy newborn nappy stuff when I had either of my girls, so I thought to give them a try. I found a batch of 17 second hand newborn nappies for sale on the FB group mentioned above, and here you see them. I know they don't look that little in the picture all together, but you can see they are teeny tiny compared with my OSFM nappies! So anyway, the thing with newborn nappies is that you only use them for up to 2 months anyway (depending on the size of baby of course) and they don't need as much absorbency because you are changing them more often, so they are much trimmer to the extent that you can actually button up the button-up vest! I'd probably like to get a couple more so I'm keeping an eye out for any more second hand batches. Because you only use them for such a short time, you can usually get a pretty good resale price for them, so you still save on nappies in the long run!

Our littlest doula baby!
(Shared with permission)

Even though I'm pregnant, I'm still taking clients for a while as you know, and I had the wonderful privilege of attending a beautiful VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Caesarean) last week. It was a midwife assisted water birth at a local hospital and after a long time of stop-start labour and irregular contractions, mom went from 6cm dilated to baby born in 45 minutes! So much for Friedman's curve! 

We did some of the positions from Spinning Babies and climbed lots of stairs to keep things going, as mom's waters had been broken and the Caesarean was booked for the next day if the baby wasn't there yet. Mom was very brave and strong throughout, and dad was an incredible support - it really was a lovely birth to be at. 

Part of the craziness of that week was that I had a work deadline (I work in IT too!) and a parenting course that I had played a part in organising starting on the night that baby was born, but fortunately hubby is incredibly capable and understands the nature of doula work and did a sterling job of filling in where I couldn't be, along with a great team all working hard to make the course a success. I don't think a doula or midwife-to-be could ask for a better support than that!

Speaking of VBACs, I'm currently on call for a client who was my first VBAC nearly 2 years ago, planning her second VBAC. The story of her first birth is here (scroll down a little to find the full story). So needless to say, we are both excited about the upcoming birth!

I'm certainly going to miss the doula work while I'm tending a teeny baby of my own, but at the same time, I'm looking forward to having an excuse to lie in bed all day and cuddle with my littlest person! I even find myself wanting to do that now, especially as I am feeling very distinctive movements. It's sometimes quite a struggle not to go into daydream mode!

So anyway, that's us for week 16! If you have any questions about anything I've mentioned, submit them below.

Also, Subscribe via email using the box on the right to make sure you don't miss out on any future posts - like week 18's diary here - and in case you missed week 14, you can find that here.

Durban Doula's Pregnancy Diary - Week 14

What another one?

No, not another baby, another blog post... I know I said I was going to do one every month, but there is just too much to write, so I'll try one every two weeks and see how it goes.

Our first appointment

So I saw our midwife, Arlen, this week - and I honestly can say I'm so glad I chose this model of care. Our initial appointment was just under an hour long, we talked about the pregnancy so far, how I had recovered from the last birth, what plans were for this birth and various other bits about birthiness in general. We checked all the vitals - peestick, weight, blood pressure and belly - and heard a little heartbeat too. It was great. It felt like home. 

I also got my home birth shopping list, and contract and prices for various birthing options, and like last time, the amount I'm paying for a home birth is still less than the co-payment I would have to make for a gynae in private practice on an average hospital plan that pays 150% of medical aid rates - as many gynaes charge over 300% of medical aid rates. I can understand why, given all the insurance that needs to be paid, but that's a topic for another time. Medical aids or hospital plans on the other hand, only pay 25-35% of the cost of a home birth - R2500-R4000 of R8000-R12000, even though I'd be saving them over 30k... Patriarchal prejudiced misogynistic mumble mumble mutter mutter...

And, as much as I have reservations about the safety of non-medically required ultrasound scans, (see last diary here), I admit I am a little excited for the one we are have in about 6 weeks' time. I think we'll take the girls (4 & 6) along with us, as they seem to be more excited about this baby than anyone!

Having said that, everyone seems so excited about this baby, which is so lovely for a third child! I'm enjoying being pregnant, because I know this will probably be the last time, so even getting past the nausea was bittersweet, as crazy as that sounds!

Obligatory Fresh Produce Comparison 

You thought I had forgotten about the obligatory pregnancy diary fresh produce comparison! Porridge brain has not set in quite so severely as that...

Well, baby is now about 8cm long (crown to rump) - about the size of a lemon. He/she is growing hair, can make facial expressions, suck his or her thumb, and can even pee. Yes, baby pees in the amniotic fluid, it gets absorbed by my body and gets processed by my kidneys so I can pee it out 53 1/2 times a day. At least it's easier than nappy changes!

Irritable Uterus and the Doula Pregnancy Protocol

Peesticks, irritable uteri and
getting rid of baby pee -
Toilets are an integral part of pregnancy
Wikimedia Commons

I am currently on call for possibly my last two clients before my own baby arrives, unless I get some clients for November and December. (Any takers? Last chance! Only taking one per month!)

I'm not sure what the protocol is on doulas and maternity leave, but I feel that January is a good time for me to stop, as I'll be entering my third trimester and may not have the energy for the physical demands of doula work - staying up all night, massaging for sometimes hours on end - it can get quite demanding, and by then I think my belly may be getting a bit large to be getting in anyone's space!

I have also experienced 'irritable uterus' with my last two pregnancies - yes, that is a thing!
I can already feel reasonably strong Braxton-Hicks contractions - tightening of the uterus without downward pressure, considered to be toning up for the real thing - as I did with my first two. I haven't ever had problems with prematurity, but it was uncomfortable having strong, and sometimes even painful contractions caused by over exertion, dehydration, a full bladder, an empty bladder, touching my belly,or sometimes seemingly caused by nothing at all. 

Plant Nanny - Available on Apple,
Android and Windows devices

I'm being more diligent with making sure I get enough magnesium and drinking enough water this time around, and I'm hoping that will help, but I thinking booking clients for my third trimester would still be unwise, for me and for them!

By the by, I'm using a little app called Plant Nanny to help me remember to drink water, and it seems to be working!

After the birth I think I'll need to take about a year's break from taking on doula clients, perhaps more depending on the personality of this little sproglet. I may still be able to do some volunteer work as that usually involves a set period of time, primarily in daylight hours. Again, this is one of those bittersweet things, letting go of something I love so much for a season, but that's just what it is, a season. Ideally I'd love to be a private midwife one day, so it makes sense to have my own children sooner rather than later.

As much as I will miss doula work, I am so looking forward to newborn snuggles! I went to help a friend with breastfeeding her newborn this last week, and those teeny tiny fingers and toes always undo me!

Other birthy things I'm thinking of right now... 

• Trying to think of how to fit three car seats in our Daihatsu Sirion
• Sorting out the girls' playroom and unpacking all of the boxes of oddments from when we moved so it's not stressing me out when baby comes
• Getting some newborn sized cloth nappies - a luxury I didn't have with my first two - I just started them off on regular cloth nappies and they spent their first few weeks with butternut shaped bums!
• Realizing how many safety gates we will need for our new house (at least 3!)

One last funny thing... Even as a doula and a third time mom who had great natural births with the first two, I do still have moments of consternation centered on the question, 'This baby is coming out where?'

So I pull a doula move on myself every now and then: Women all over the world do this all the time. Our bodies are designed to give birth, and so on.

I won't be quite so glib in my encouragement in future

After seeing how much I just wrote, I think once every two weeks might be doable - not as much pressure as a weekly diary, and not as much marathon reading as a monthly one - what do you think?

If you do want to get notifications of blog posts and pregnancy diary entries in your email, please subscribe by entering your email address in the box on the right, or follow me on Twitter on @DurbanDoula

And if you have any questions about how this Durban Doula does pregnancy, ask away below and I'll address them in future posts. 

Find Week 16's diary here and week 12 here.

The Durban Doula Pregnancy Diary - Week 12

Mom's belly and 6-year-old's toes

I think most moms breathe a sigh of relief when week 13 comes around! 

My nausea is almost totally gone, dizziness too, and I feel like I have more energy than I have for the past 8 weeks. On the first evening I still had some vooma left at 6pm, I chopped and I cooked and I baked - I felt like superwoman! It was great.

Twelve weeks is also that magical date when miscarriages become much less likely - but when you're pregnant I feel every day is a milestone! I don't have any scan pictures for you because I'm not going for a 12 week scan - shock and horror, I know! But I do have some reasons for my decision:

Firstly, I know my cycle really well, so I know exactly how far along I am, so no need for a scan to establish date.

Secondly, even if the usual checks at 12 weeks did pick up something odd on the scan, I wouldn't do anything about it. If there was a problem with the nuchal translucency measurements (used to pick up Downs Syndrome) I would not do an amniocentesis or even consider an abortion, because I know how high the false positive rate is for those tests, and that up to 25% of Downs Syndrome cases aren't detected until birth anyway despite all the testing. I also know the stats of how many healthy babies are miscarried because of the amniocentesis.

Baby apparently measures 5.4cm from crown to rump -
about the size of a plum!
"Plum on tree" by byfir0002 via Wikimedia Commons

For me, getting a possibly positive test would just cause unnecessary stress over something that I can't really do anything about. I've had too many friends who were told they have placenta praevia or that baby had water on the brain or some other dire diagnosis, only to be told 8 weeks later that all was fine... I'm thinking the effects of all those stress hormones on an otherwise healthy baby can't be good!

Having said that, I will go for a scan around 20 weeks, to check that we are all on track for the home birth we are planning, and yes, we will see if we can check gender, purely because we have had two girls so we have mountains of dresses and frills, and I'd like to be able to know what to say if people ask if we need anything. If we can't see gender at that scan I don't think I would have another one just to check.

Furthermore, I am increasingly concerned about the risks of ultrasound scans, especially 'recreational' scans i.e. scans that aren't medically necessary.

Some links about possible risks of ultrasound scans:

Ultrasound Scans - Cause of Concern - Dr Sarah Buckley

Natural childbirth IIb: ultrasound not as safe as commonly thought - Chris Kresser

Concerns were being raised back in 1999 already!
Ultrasound: Weighing the Propaganda Against the Facts - Beverley Lawrence Beech

So as you saw above, we are planning a waterbirth at home. I had an incredible home water birth with my second child, and so I am due to go for my first checkup with the same midwife soon.

Looking a bit tired!

I am getting a little bump and I'm already having to use the hair elastic trick on the buttons on my pants to make extra space for my growing belly...

One odd thing though, is that I won't feel any physical sensations in my womb area for a few days, and then all on one day it will feel like everything is stretching and expanding and aching. It would be fun to know what is happening on those days! Is it a growth spurt? Who knows?

I've had one or two flutters that I would like to believe are baby moving, and as baby is just over 5cm in length (from crown to rump) I know it's not impossible. They say second time moms can sometimes feel baby as early as 13 weeks, so maybe 12 weeks isn't such a stretch the third time around!

That mystery is also part of the joy of pregnancy for me. While I sleep my body feeds this baby and takes care of all its needs, and my baby gets on with the business of reaching and connecting and expanding... all alone in the dark. It's like a little seed planted in the ground - all alone in the dark without any help or intervention, it somehow germinates and starts forming all the bits necessary to be a tree or a flower, and reaches for the light when the time is right.

Big sister giving the belly some love!

The girls are super excited about the new baby - they often ask me how big the baby is now, and love telling strangers at the shops that mommy has a baby growing in her tummy!

I also got my first two little gifts for the sproglet - some newborn clothes and other bits and bobs - and I can't believe my girls were ever newborn sized! Those leggings are so tiny! But on the other hand, I am truly grateful they weren't bigger - for obvious reasons!

So anyway, that's me for now...
Feel free to ask questions or add comments below!
Keep an eye out for our 16 week diary! (Update: I decided to switch to posting every 2 weeks instead - so here is week 14! And in case you missed it, you can find week 8 here.

Thoughts on supporting young or vulnerable mothers and mothers-to-be

Young, unmarried or otherwise unprepared woman gets pregnant, family has conniptions about 'irresponsible behaviour', family accepts the situation and steps in to help, family ends up taking over and mom lets them, confirming family's perception of mom as irresponsible.

I see variations of this story reasonably often in my line of work.

The young mom carries the stigma of 'irresponsible' pregnancy, very visibly for the term of her pregnancy; partner / sperm donor / rapist is usually unscathed by such societal strictures. Well meaning family steps in to save the day - which is all good and well, except that the help usually comes at a price, and that price is often compliance.

It is truly a challenge to be strong and make good choices when you have been labelled as 'irresponsible' and you feel like you have become everyone's problem, which is often how these young moms feel.

'How are you going to look after this child?' 

'What about your studies?'

'What were you thinking?' 

'I told you he wasn't good for you.'

Once everyone is done asking questions, completely overwhelming the young mom to be, breaking down every last shred of confidence she has, then the moment comes for her own mom and dad to step and and fix it all. As if her 'failure' becomes their 'failure' and they have to do their utmost to 'fix it.'

She hands over more and more power as she feels less and less capable.

I'm sure that the delight in being the rescuer, the rock, the provider, isn't a conscious thing, but I sometimes feel that sense of power that comes with being the rescuer ends up causing disempowering situations for the mom to be.

I've seen moms given absolutely no choice about the circumstances of the birth, not because of the actual costs of her choices, but purely because mom's choices didn't line up with the choices of the financier. Mother's options are not even a point of discussion, because the perception is that she has already proven herself incapable of making good decisions so decision-making needs to be taken out of her hands. To be honest, it's not only the young or otherwise unprepared moms who experience this. Moms who are experiencing domestic abuse or marital difficulties or financial strain get similar treatment.

Often these moms are left with little to no autonomy,  as implicit or explicit threats of withdrawal of finance and / or accommodation and / or acceptance are enough to keep her toeing the line. Her parents speak on her behalf, pay on her behalf and decide on her behalf. 

I have yet to see a grandmother-to-be present her daughter with options, encourage her to research those options for herself and find a solution that makes the best of the situation, with the resources at hand, and most importantly, accepts and supports those decisions even if they weren't necessarily the decisions she would make.

I understand that a young mom may choose options that add extra strain to a family, but I'm suggesting that those who are willing to help be honest about the degree of help they are willing to provide, be it financial or otherwise, and then allow the mom to decide how to use the resources that have been made available to her.

Stepping in and fixing everything often seems to end up paralysing the mom-to-be. She may be overwhelmed at the task ahead of her and steps back, confirming the prevailing perception of her as irresponsible and not up to the task of parenting. This then requires family to step in even more, creating a cycle of disempowerment and resentment.

Rather, family should give resources as they are willing and able, and thereafter empower and equip the young mom to make the best plan she can with those resources. She is, after all, about to be a parent, and that is, after all, what good parents do. They do the best they can with what they have.

And it's not just about the birth, often these young moms are kept in check or subdued for many years with the 'Remember how much you owe me because I saved you' line.

Which brings me to the party we haven't yet considered - the baby. That baby will be the one living with the consequences of the mother's choices, as a baby, and into its future as an adult. Surely a dynamic of rescue and disempowerment is not the example one would want to set, as I have seen where the grandmother continually criticised the mother's parenting in front of the child. How is that helpful for this little person who ends up cscond guessing their mother's every move? In one particular case the child became horribly confused and acted out in the most impossible ways, never sure who to listen to or who to be loyal to, and grandmother's perception of her own daughter as a lousy mom was confirmed, thus justifying her intervention in her own mind.

Rather than disempowering moms, let's remind them that as mothers they have the most powerful influence over that child's life, equaled only perhaps by the father's influence if he is around. Let's show them the power they have and support them in exercising that power to make the decisions that will carry them and their children into the future as responsible individuals, confident in the knowledge that they are equipped to deal with whatever life gives them.

Obviously this isn't the situation for every vulnerable mom, but I do see it quite often. Congratulations to all the families and grandparents who have made the effort to encourage and support vulnerable or single moms rather than 'rescuing' them!

Have you experienced something like this?
Share your thoughts below...

Taking a break in 2016 - this Durban doula is with child!

To all potential clients, I just have to let you know that I'll be taking a break from doing the doula thing for a while in 2016, because I just don't feel I have the capacity to do what needs to be done with my own newborn to take care of....

My view of my belly - I can still see my toe-shoes -
joined by the soon to be 'middle child',

Yup, this Durban Doula is expecting her third sproglet in April 2016 - or rather late autumn as I tend to tell people (here in the Southern Hemisphere). No one can ask me 'Is the baby here yet?' if they don't know exactly when baby is due! (Sneaky I know, these are the things you learn third time around!)

While I kept a week-by-week diary with my second - which you can find here - I'll be keeping a monthly diary this time around. I'm trusting you'll enjoy sharing the journey with me!

So we are at 8 weeks now - 8 weeks since the first day of my LMP (last menstrual period) - which means it is about 6 weeks since conception, and baby is about the size of a kidney bean. While a first time mom would think things are taking so long, all I can think is that it is happening so fast!

Last week baby was a little blueberry with a tail and 'arm buds', this week he/she is a kidney bean with webbed fingers and almost eyelids!

"Kidney beans" by Sanjay Acharya
Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0
via Wikimedia Commons

I weighed about 7kg more at the beginning of this pregnancy than I did at the beginning of either of the other two, and I still have many of the same clothes, so things are feeling tighter much earlier than they did before!

I'm actually less nauseous than I was before, which is a great blessing as I now have a full time job as well as two preschoolers to look after! It's been quite manageable though, as I'm only nauseous if I stop eating for like, 15 minutes; other than that I'm fine.

Consequently I seem to spend my life eating food, preparing food, or thinking about food! Cravings and aversions seems to change by the minute - not sure if it's a physiological thing, or if it's just me getting the most mileage out of what will most likely be my last pregnancy - but hubby has been doing an absolutely sterling job of keeping me fed and watered - especially when I had 'flu and gastro in the first two weeks after discovering I was pregnant! That was grim. I don't get sick, so pregnancy nausea and fatigue combined with the aches and ails of 'flu and gastro was just horrible!

Our Facebook pregnancy announcement...

The days that I felt only nauseous were good days!

Oddly, I've been craving bitter things - like beer (which I never drink anyway!) and grapefruit juice. That and sour things, and apples, and naartjies (tangerines for non-South Africans). Just yesterday I was craving a good Durban curry - so I think that's what I'll be cooking this evening.

Things like mincemeat / ground beef on the other hand - I just can't! I can't even go in the kitchen while it is being cooked, and my poor husband 's affectionate kiss after he ate some himself left me dry heaving. Fortunately he didn't take it personally! The smell of coffee just gives me the shivers. It's so crazy how this little being just takes over your whole body - even the way you sense and feel things, the way you are in your skin - it all changes. What a precious gift to hold this little person for this time!

As with my previous pregnancy, I struggle a bit with dizziness in the mornings, not helpful when you have two preschoolers to get going - but I've found that keeping up with my iron and magnesium has really helped - that and deep breathing and staying well hydrated. A super-involved dad helps too! As I write he is busy making oats porridge for the girls for lunch.

Some of the other stuff... well, let's just say, I've never tanned at a topless beach before, but I think I know what it would feel like the day after the first time... every day. Um. Yah. Pressing on.

Tired with a
teeny belly

We decided to tell our two girls, A & E, aged 6 and 4, about the pregnancy, because I did need a little extra TLC when I was so ill, and because I'm just horrible at keeping secrets like that about my life. They are very excited, but have very little concept of time so the littlest keeps thinking baby is going to pop out next week - I've got them to understand that baby is only coming out after Christmas, but before E's birthday!

I'm also keeping them updated with my little week-by-week pregnancy updates which they quite enjoy. They are both convinced that baby is a boy. I'm not sure if it's some kind of sibling intuition or wishful thinking - but as we are only going for a 20-something week scan we still have a while to wait!

The general response from family and friends has been very positive. We are feeling very loved and supported by our community! But, I must add, where 4 weeks ago it would have been rude to point out anything about the size or shape of my belly, now I am greeted with delighted cries of, 'Oh, you've got a little bump already!'

I'm tempted to make 'Harrumph' noises, but I guess it comes with the territory. 

I've been doing some pregnancy stretching exercise on the floor of my bedroom which have been great in helping me feel a little more energised (yay endorphins!) and I'm making a plan to get back into my weekly walks once myself and my walking partner are up to it.

So anyway, we are planning another water birth at home, as I did with my second child - incredible birth story here - so while I am looking forward to it, I am also happy to wait until the time comes and just savour every moment of these precious few weeks of growing and incubating this tiny human inside my own body.

(Find our week 12 diary here.)

How I explained menstruation to my daughters (aged 4 & 6)

The birds...

I think I have an unfair advantage on this 'Birds and Bees' thing with my girls. I'm a doula so the words vagina and placenta and sex and discharge (etc!) are all part of my daily vocabulary, so my girls have always grown up with (mostly) the correct terms for everything, except we've adopted the term 'yoni' to name their 'private parts'.

We use the term yoni as the term vagina technically only covers the bit you can't see i.e. the internal bits. In truth, you can't really wax your vagina, 'cos getting wax inside there would be both difficult, uncomfortable and unnecessary. The other term for the whole area, including urethra and vagina, is the pudendum, which literally means 'shameful place' - also not a term I'm happy using. Yoni seemed like a great alternative as it means 'sacred space', with the implication of being a place of creation, rather than 'sheath' which is what the term 'vagina' means...

Menstrual Cup
(Upside Down!)

I use a menstrual cup for my monthlies, so when my curious 5 year old found it and wanted to know why she couldn't play with it, I took it as my chance to make this into a learning opportunity. So this was how I explained menstruation to my then 5 year old:

You know when a baby grows inside a mom's belly, it grows in her womb? Womb sounds like room doesn't it? Well, the womb is like a room for the baby. (Many giggles trying to say womb and room as she struggles with her R's.)  

What is in your room? A bed? Well mommies' bodies are so clever that every month they make a bed in case mommy and daddy make a baby there.  

What carries food and life around our bodies? Yes, blood! (We had this discussion before.) So our clever bodies make a special bed out of special blood to feed a baby just in case. But if we don't put the baby there, then the bed gets old, and it has to come out, so then the blood comes out by your vagina, but it isn't bad blood like when you get hurt, it's very special blood. So we use the cup to catch the blood so it doesn't make a mess, isn't that clever? Then next month mommy's body makes a whole new bed in the womb / room and it starts all over again. Isn't that amazing? So when you were a baby in my belly, you had your own room, my womb! And you climbed into the bed my womb made and that's where you grew and grew and grew, getting your food and oxygen from my blood until you were big enough to come out. Aren't you glad there was a bed ready for you? 

To be honest, she was happy with that, and on that occasion she didn't really want more information about how babies get put there, although we have previously had a discussion about how dad puts a seed in mom's womb, and then the egg and the seed together make a baby, exactly how that happens she hasn't asked, but I think she has an idea. Once you know the anatomy, the mechanics are pretty obvious!

...and the bees.
(Who thought of that anyway?)

And the girls both know they came out of my yoni, so that part is also easy!

Speaking of anatomy, we have a lovely big kids' anatomy book with accurate cross section diagrams, so we have studied genitalia along with all the other parts and organs, which has really helped it to be less awkward. In general, I think if we are unfussed and matter of fact, they will be too. Or maybe this is one thing we can learn from them?

Like with menstruation, even now I can tell my girls that when the old bed is coming out it can sometimes be a bit sore, so on those days I take extra special care of myself, and I tell them that one day when they start having a period every month, I'll take extra special care of them on those days too. There are some lovely gift packs you can get to celebrate a girl's menarche or first menstruation - something I'll definitely look at!

I don't want menstruation to be a case of, 'Here are some pads, don't let your brother see,' but rather a celebration of our capacity to bring forth life out of our bodies. Our Western culture seems to see women's bodies as inherently 'unclean': natural birth is and amniotic fluid is 'gross' rather than glorious, breastmilk is a seen as a biohazard with working moms being told they can't rinse their pump parts in the office kitchen sink. But any old cow's milk is fine. Um. No. I recorded this YouTube video on that topic - take a look and let me know your thoughts!

I know women who were told that their vaginas were essentially putrid, seeping wounds, and while the experience of many may not be quite so discouraging, I think it comes close. I'd like my girls to see their vaginas as powerful channels that facilitate both pleasure and procreation. So for example, if a daughter is presenting her gorgeous yoni to the world, where another mother may say, 'Sies! Put that away! No on wants to see that!' I've tried to rather take the line that our yonis are so special and precious that we only show them to people we trust, people who know how special and precious they are - which leads on to a whole discussion on what we can do to protect our children from sexual predators, but we'll leave that for another time.

So with menstruation and intercourse and childbirth and various stages of a woman's life, I have a sneaky (but pretty well founded) suspicion that if we approached the process with less shame, we might experience less pain, and consequently more pleasure.  I certainly have found that my struggles with menstruation closely match my prevailing mental state, and my experiences of childbirth have also largely mirrored my confidence in my body's ability to give birth without mishap. As for my girls, ask me in 6 years!

How were you taught, or not taught about menstruation? What helped you the most in coming to terms with your changing body? Share your thoughts below!

The day Kate called the Midwives...

Being the birth junkie that I am, I couldn't avoid all the press about the newest princess in the British Royal Family, especially considering that Kate Middleton is reported to have had a lovely, quick, uncomplicated birth.

View image | gettyimages.com

We'll never know all the details. I'm assuming it would be considered untoward and most certainly inappropriate to share whether a member of the Royal Family required stitches or gave birth in water or any of the other details so savoured by those who read birth stories.

But actually, it's not those details, or the lack thereof, that inspired this blog post. So in celebration of International Day of the Midwife... Here goes!

Let's start with the good news:

Duchess Catherine chose to be attended primarily by midwives, and the midwives worked as a team with the gynaecologists and perinatologist and various other designated officials.

But, what irks me is how patriarchal ideas about birth are being perpetuated in the press surrounding the event.

I hear you sigh - 'Grouchy Feminist on the loose!'

Actually, even my husband was appalled at the language used about the Duchess' birth. Let's have a look at some quotes and take it from there:

About her birth team, a headline from 'The Telegraph':

Royal baby: meet the doctors who delivered Kate Middleton's second child

Alan Farthing and Guy Thorpe-Beeston led a team of four that delivered the royal baby at St Mary's Hospital in Paddington (Ref)

This headline was followed by 11 paragraphs, or around 358 words describing their respective Curriculum Vitae and detailing how and when they met and married their wives. There was also a mention of the gynaecologist who wasn't there this time around, and even a quote by aforementioned absent gynaecologist to round things out. Interspersed in the quagmire of qualifications and dates, was one line, in the second to last paragraph:

They over saw a team of midwives looking after the Duchess in the Lindo Wing. (Ref)

Names? Qualifications? Families? Quotes? Nil. Zip. Nada. Nope.

Based in the US, the 'Boston Newstime' also published a rather extensive article detailing every aspect of the birth. In their section on the medical team, give or take 350 words are again devoted to the achievements and qualifications of the non-midwife medical team, including around 130 words about, or by, Sir Marcus Setchell, that same guy who wasn't even there. To his credit, his words did include a description of the nameless midwifery team at Prince George's birth as 'perfectly wonderful'. (Ref)

That full quote: Sir Marcus described the midwifery team as "perfectly wonderful" but added: "There are certain situations when someone is giving birth that it's important not just to have a specialist sort of available at the end of a telephone, but actually in the same room to deal with anything that's immediately going to be wrong." (Ref) (Emphasis added)

Are midwives not specialists then? Something 'that's immediately going to be wrong'? Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and assume this was just a slip of the tongue and that he didn't intrinsically see birth as an emergency waiting to happen that only someone with a Doctor's qualification could solve.


'Midwifery Team' - Names? Qualifications? No? Ok. I suppose the only qualification necessary is that the good doctor felt they were 'perfectly wonderful' - no names needed.

Princess Charlotte of Cambridge already has her own Wikipedia entry - but according the entry as it stands today (5th May 2015), there were apparently no midwives involved:
The baby was delivered by Alan Farthing, surgeon-gynaecologist to Queen Elizabeth II, and Guy Thorpe-Beeston, an expert in high-risk pregnancies and surgeon-gynaecologist of the Royal Household; both were present at the birth of the Cambridges' first child, Prince George, in 2013. (Ref)

But wait, 'The Inquisitr News', among others, reported on the 2nd of May that even though the 'suited surgeons' got most of the press coverage, they 'simply looked on to ensure that everything was going as planned ... the midwives were the ones that actually delivered both Prince George and the new Princess' (Ref)

So 'The Daily Mail' comes to our rescue, with the following headline:

Call the midwives! The calm duo who delivered the Princess after striking up close rapport with Kate

I'm so grateful they were calm. Not like those hysterical midwives you usually get...

At least here we have a mention of their qualifications:

Midwives Arona Ahmed and her boss, Jacqui Dunkley-Bent, Professor of midwifery at Imperial College Healthcare NHS Trust (Ref)

Professor of Midwifery! How delightful! 'Perfectly wonderful'! But not a 'specialist' according to the absent gynaecologist. 

The other qualifications of the midwives were summed up in the following sentence:

Both women are experienced, unflappable and have the full confidence of the obstetricians. (Ref)

Ah! There it is! You see, they had the full confidence of the obstetricians. Professor of Midwifery notwithstanding. Perfectly wonderful!

And don't get me started on how Kate was 'delivered of' her baby, as though she just lay there while someone else did all the work, or as though she was possessed rather than pregnant.

P.S. So in case you can't see what bugs me about this - it's the whole issue of gatekeeping - how is it that the men who weren't there and or didn't do anything except 'oversee' get the praise, the press and lists of qualifications and full biographies, while the midwives who did the work, whom the Duchess chose, are, on the whole, invisible, nameless and voiceless, and are qualified by the opinions of the doctors above anything else.

And then there's that line I haven't mentioned - where a number of news outlets state that Kate had opted to be seen first by midwives, and apparently a 'source' had qualified this with 'What the duchess wants, the duchess gets.' (Ref)

Like a child that wants ice-cream for breakfast.
Not like a rational adult woman with an actual choice in how she gives birth.
Perfectly wonderful!

Thoughts?  Please comment!

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