As a Doula, I serve and support moms though the childbearing process in whatever way I can - creating space for informed decision making and advocating for empowered birth experiences for moms here in Durban. That and advocating for evidence based care for mothers the world over!
So yes, we did it, we fetched the birth pool...And no, we haven't had the opportunity to make use of it yet!
After last week's crazy times, things have definitely improved. For starters I went for a full body pregnancy massage with Alison Strauss here in Westville, Durban. It was so good to be able to lie on my belly and just be pampered for a bit! I loved that it felt like she was truly working tension out of my muscles, but didn't hurt me at all. Heavenly!
Birth pool in my car today...
We may struggle to fit three car chairs in,
but we can fit the birth pool with ease!
I know she also does fertility massage, inducement and postpartum massage too... I'm trusting I won't need the inducement version, but a postpartum massage sounds like it fits right in with my postpartum plans!
I think what got to me this last week was being confronted by all my 'deepnesses' - my innermost fears and weaknesses. I remember reading a book once where the author suggested that many women struggle simultaneously with being both 'too much' and 'not enough':
I know I’m not alone in the nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I’ve ever met feels it - something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. - Stasi Eldredge
My younger daughter's contribution.
With a little (requested) help from mom.
For me the 'not enough's would be: not energetic enough, not consistent enough and not strong enough, among others, and my 'too much's would be: too passionate, too emotional, too deep, too sensitive, too intense, and for a touch of paradox, too strong...
(As you can see I struggle more with the 'too much's.)
It has been especially difficult to find that my 'too much's and 'not enough's have caused pain to those I love.
Something in me wants to say I don't need affirmation from anyone, that I'll decide which of my lacks and excesses to embrace or accept or change, but as much as I believe in autonomy and independence, I am also passionate (there's that passion again!) about interdependence and empathy.
I'm grateful for a wonderful husband who gives me space to feel all my feels - the highs and the lows, the poignant and the glorious - accepting that every emotion is valid as an expression of my experience, and when I am able to express them without judgement, I am also freed from having to defend them and hold onto them to prove how justified I am in feeling them.
Once all my turmoil is acknowledged and accepted, then I can start to see through the mist and perceive more accurately what is going on - which are my genuine lacks and excesses and which are merely a matter of perspective?
My eldest daughter's contribution
to my birth affirmation wall.
Something that also helped me this last week a mental image I had of myself in our swimming pool, holding onto the edge with both hands, as if about to start swimming backstroke. It was tiring and not fun at all, and I just pictured myself pushing off from the wall to float out into the middle of the pool - to surrender to the support of the water. I've never been able to float in 'real life' but my daughter explained to me that you 'make your light parts heavy, and your heavy parts light'. Sounds like good advice for life too.
The baby station - changing mat,
clothes, nappies and blankets
with socks, hats and little bits
in the hanging thingie.
Birth supplies, hospital bag
(just in case) and
baby bag on the floor.
The impending birth of a baby seems to bring out all these deepnesses quite relentlessly. Even my husband has been struggling this week with a sense of something prodding right at the heart of his own perceived and real weaknesses. We've been able to recognise it for what it is, and I've been able to hold space for him to feel and express, just as he has held that space for me. After all of this, I do feel somewhat more ready for this birth. About time too!
I'm officially on maternity leave now which is wonderful, although I do have one or two work things to finish up next week. I really loved having my mom here to help gather some last supplies and finish a few projects, Previously when my mom-in-law was here we managed to make some king size linen - we hadn't been able to afford enough initially - and with my mom here we managed to make a ring sling and a 'donut' - a padded floor cushion for baby.
The quilt so far - just needs three more strips.
BonBon approves!
I also got some more shirts from the thrift shop to cut up for my bedroom rug, and got my sewing machine fixed so I can finish the quilt. I've made peace with the possibility that the quilt won't be done in time - but you can see the pic to see how far I've managed to get! I just need three more strips like those you can see and then I'll have enough.
Yup, that's me
with the hobbity
looking feet :-)
I also saw Arlen again this last week - when I went to go fetch the birth pool. It is always so good to see her and talk through options and ideas. That is one thing I love about midwifery care - appointments are long enough to build a relationship of sorts. She can become familiar with my priorities and strengths and weaknesses, which means that the care I receive depends as much on who I am as it does on numbers and the measurements related to this pregnancy and birth, rather than being predominantly 'numbers' based as I found with my first baby.
With a belly this size, everyone wants to know when I'm due - I just say I've a few more weeks to go. I keep it vague because people usually don't remember the exact date anyway, and I also want to maintain my own headspace of letting things happen as they happen.
Me and my girls...
I had a chance to meet with some ladies to chat about our upcoming births - including things we had struggled with previously, as well as our expectations and fears for the births and babies we are currently awaiting. It was great to meet with like minded ladies to share encouragement and be encouraged!
So the question on everyone's minds is, 'When will this baby come?' It would be nice if we knew, but it's also refreshing that this is one of those times where you just have to wait. At my last checkup baby hadn't engaged yet - perfectly normal and expected for subsequent pregnancies - but my belly has dropped a bit since, and I get the oddest 'burrowing' sensations in my pelvis, so in that sense things are moving on.
I'm also getting some reasonably strong Braxton-Hicks contractions through the day, and some that wake me in the night, but again, nothing concrete.
My second baby arrived at 38 weeks on the dot, after a week of prodromal labour, but my first came at just past 40 weeks, so really, who knows!
So yeah, we just have to wait and embrace the process!
Thursday and Friday were utterly horrible days for me - big ugly crying in front of my eldest daughter's teacher, with youngest daughter in tow, after having her teacher tut-tutting and shaking her head at eldest daughter's being late again, bursting into fresh sobs while dropping youngest off after making her late by taking time to compose myself before going in, trying to get through the shop with bloodshot eyes and blotchy face, missing eldest one's race at the gala and sitting in the sun with swollen belly and ankles for two hours before realising it, and wading through puppy poo at home while trying to create some semblance of productivity.I was really struggling to maintain any sense of dignity, all the while fighting off a sense of terror as I wondered how I was going to manage with three.
I'm not a person to wish days away, but by the time it got to Friday afternoon, I was shattered. I usually also detest complaining about the weather - but it has been so hot here the last few days, and I have really been struggling with not being able to keep cool - and I'm sure that didn't help my state of mind. Actually, I'm convinced that was part of the problem - the heat and sweat and stickiness, and construction happening at work and at home, along with a pack of puppies about to leave for their forever homes making a noise and leaving little gifts down the passage all seemed to contribute to total sensory overload.
Quilt offcuts - my brain feels like this right now!
Furthermore, I have been experiencing the reality of pregnancy porridge brain - making totally random and utterly silly mistakes that I wouldn't usually make. I really felt that someone should just lock me away - preferably in a room with padded everything and Netflix and Magnum Chocolate Ice Cream - because the combination of absent mindedness and lack of patience just wasn't helping anyone.
I feel like the lack of patience and acute vulnerability is also partly because I'm dealing with some intense stuff inside - acknowledging this big transition about to take place, but leaving space for things to happen in their own time and in their own way - I've just felt somewhat emotionally depleted and where I would usually have a lot more patience with my girls, and a lot more empathy for people around me, I've just found I don't have the emotional resources for much more than self-preservation - which has made me even more grumpy as I don't see myself as an impatient person.
Blue fluffies for the baby!
Saturday was somewhat redeemed when my in-laws came over to help us with some DIY tasks around the house, and then of course there was my surprise baby shower. It was so lovely to see my circle of ladies and I was thoroughly spoiled. When I was sorting out some of the clothes we'd received with hubby later that evening, he was freaking out just a little bit as it seems to bring home the idea that there will be another little person to take care of soon.
I think the fact that we've had one or two (or three or four) large unexpected expenses combined with some financial setbacks in the last couple of weeks, as well as increased work pressure in some areas, might be weighing on him too, so we just keep reminding each other that everything is going to be OK.
Quilt sections ready for sewing...
If my overlocker hadn't given up the ghost I might finally be able to show you my finished bedspread, but it looks like I'm going to have to go manual on this one... Watch this space for next week though!
I think my in-laws could see I was quite tired on Saturday evening, so they took the girls to stay with them for two nights which was really great for us as it gave us a little down time after the hectic week we'd had. On Sunday afternoon, I managed to get the energy together to do a little retail therapy and get some bits and bobs that we still needed after the baby shower, as well as some supplies for our home birth - linen savers and the like. I used Sunday afternoon to sort out our 'baby station' - a wardrobe without doors in our room that will be a changing station and storage area for the baby - so I am feeling a bit more ready for things now.
Sneak peek from our maternity shoot with Sarah-Jane!
My gorgeous girls looking so angelic, even though the oldest had been
vomiting since the night before... Oh the joys!
So yeah, like I said, it's been a crazy couple of weeks - my inner introvert is making herself known, so I'm really looking forward to maternity leave... I'm trusting for an easier couple of weeks after a very vulnerable and emotional last two weeks. Other than that, baby is fine! Growing and keeping me awake at night with his happy feet... What a privilege to grow a little life inside your own body! We're also hoping to do my belly cast this weekend, just hubby and I. Watch this space!
I don't feel like there's much to report at this stage. even my weekly pregnancy update emails from BabyCentre seem to just tell me that baby is growing by half a block of butter a week - 230g to be precise. It's not quite as exciting as hearing that baby has just grown fingers, or baby can close his eyes, or that baby has a functioning four chamber heart, but good news nonetheless!
Having said that, we have finally decided on a name. We've had the basic idea in place for a while, and we're even expanding to include a second name - neither myself nor hubby have a second name, and neither do either of the girls, so it's something new for us. (English teachers are welcome to correct my 'neither-nor' grammar on that one if necessary!)
Like I mentioned in a previous post, we wanted reasonably old fashioned names with appropriate meanings, that could be easily pronounced in English and Afrikaans. So unless we get some writing on the wall, we've settled on a name, but we'll only announce the name once baby is born - so make sure you follow us on Twitter at @DurbanDoula or on Facebook at Giving Birth Naturally to keep up with any potential announcements!
Some wall decor I collected from the thrift shop and some end-of-range specials.
Part of the birth photography prize I won a while back includes a mini maternity shoot - so I met with the photographer, Sarah-Jane from Sarah-Jane Photography, and we chatted about our various expectations for the birth, and ideas for the maternity shoot this coming week. I'm quite excited about it - it's amazing how each pregnancy and photographer and circumstance so far has resulted in two very different maternity shoots, so I can't wait to see how this one is going to turn out!
The nesting thing hasn't left me, I'm working furiously on my quilt that I started before I was even pregnant with my first. I was working on it when I went into labour with my second and I haven't done much on it since. We're not intending on having another baby, and as much as the pink duvet cover we've had since we were newly married has served us well, I think it's time for a change!
Besides that, I've been trying to cook up double and triple batches of dinner whenever I can, and freezing them for after the birth. To be honest though, we've already used a couple of them when I've had a particularly draining day - but I suppose that's what they are there for!
We have a local butchery that sells oxtail for a fraction of the price of the regular grocery stores, so I've been cooking up this most delicious recipe in my pressure cooker:
I brown the meat first then add all the extras and pop it in our automatic pressure cooker for 90min, instead of the 10 hour cooking time recommended here. I also only add 1/3 of the water to the stock, and even that still feels like a little too much, so I have to cook some off, but it is truly delicious, and very nutritious! And it freezes well too!
Another recipe I've referred to before is my 24hour chicken soup recipe - actually I have two, this one:
I use this one more often than the next one, just out of habit, and once I've taken the chicken bones out, I liquidise it with all the vegetables still in it, and my girls who are usually picky about vegetables absolutely love it - I can't seem to keep up! They call it swamp soup. (#momwin)
I love the lemony light flavour of this one but I've had problems with bitterness the last couple of times I've made it - but I think I'll give it another go. (Update: Got it right this time! Not sure what the difference was but it worked!)
With both of these soups, I try to keep portions in my freezer at all times, so that as soon as anyone reports feeling even mildly ill, I've got some ready to go. You can see why these chicken soup recipes are the obvious choice for postpartum healing too...
My other mainstay is a bolognaise sauce recipe that I learned from my mom, that she learned from my Italian godmother. I'm sure it's changed somewhat over the years, but I absolutely love it on some gluten free pasta, or in a gluten free lasagne (made with zucchini or aubergine layers instead of pasta), with a little parmesan cheese over the top it is super yum! Although, I am generally of the opinion that many dishes are improved with a little parmesan cheese on top! I keep promising myself I'll write the recipe down, and when I do, you'll be the first to know.
I'm also researching some other postpartum healing and nourishing recipes, so if you have any good ones, or good sources, please do pass them on!
I'm actively trying to plan for a healthy babymoon period this time. I think many cases of postpartum depression, and postpartum fatigue, are the result of insufficient rest and recuperation after birth. I understand that in our current social climate, the option to have a good rest after birth is a massive privilege, but I feel it should really be part of basic healthcare because it can have such far reaching consequences.
In some cases I think it is mothers themselves who accept the pressure to act and appear as if they didn't just have a human being emerge from their bellies - because that is so often what people fixate on in the postpartum period - "Oh, you don't even look like you just had a baby!" comments abound, where magazine headlines point out the tiniest postpartum bump, or laud the mothers who lost their babyweight and were seen pumping weights at the gym within a week or two.
It's all part of a culture that often sees children as an inconvenience to be managed, rather than little people, and mothers as liabilities to the economy, rather than guardians of a future generation.
Well, where I can, I will start making that change in my own life. Having recovered from Adrenal Fatigue after my last pregnancy, I've learned the value of self-care.
So hubby and I have chatted about ways for me to stay in bed as much as possible in the first few weeks, even with two older children around to be fed and clothed and lifted to school and back. That will look different for each person, but for us that includes investing in a little more healthy convenience food than I would usually buy, and some quick trail mix type snacks for me, setting up a baby station in our room, and making use of herbal baths and herbal infusions on a regular basis. I'm also making sure to put up a school run schedule that another family member or friend could collect them if necessary, as well as a list of 'chores' aka service opportunities for any visitors...
Community makes all the difference!
Obviously the cooking ahead also helps, as does the fact that hubby is great at packing lunches and getting kids to school. Fortunately we do have some external help with laundry and cleaning, and a great family and church community around us that we can call on for help where needed. Hubby will be in charge of setting and enforcing visiting hours - even though we are having a homebirth, and perhaps especially because we are having a home birth.
Maybe if moms and potential moms and their families see the benefits of an intentional babymoon, they may be inspired to make space for themselves and others to do likewise...
Many cultures around the world have mandatory periods of rest before and after birth where the new mother is fed special nourishing food, massaged and looked after, and her usual household duties are taken care of so she can save her energy and attention for herself and her baby. I think we could learn a lot!
Beyond that, shoelaces are evil. Catch you next time!
But before we get to that, I've been having some funny moments where people ask how far I've got to go, and when I say, 'About 9 weeks,' their eyebrows climb up their foreheads and they say, 'Oh!'
Now you see, I'm never sure what they mean by that. 'Oh! I thought you looked ready to pop!' or 'Oh! You don't even look like you're half way!' Either way, I don't really care what they think. I feel great and I love my belly - It's the only time in my life I get to have some curves! But I giggle internally every time I get that response.
Having said that, this belly has been giving me some backache when I try to walk after I've been sitting or lying still for a while. Each time I put weight on my right leg it felt like my sacroiliac joint was going to give way. (See diagram if you're not sure where that is.) My pelvis was feeling like a cheap jigsaw puzzle that just doesn't want to fit properly - each time you press on one side, it pops out on another side.
I'm sure the fact that baby is now around 1.7kg in weight and about 42.5cm tall has something to do with that!
I remember having this problem last time only at around 38 weeks, but I was much fitter last time and I was teaching ballet right up until 37 weeks, where now I spend most of my work day in front of a computer. Going to see a chiropractor really helped then. It probably saved me from a c-section actually. So I got some recommendations and went to see a local chiro here in Westville - Dr Jacob Nell.
He made some astute connections between my breathing habits and weaker core muscles due to pregnancy. I tend to do chest breathing rather than abdominal breathing - a bad habit of mine exacerbated by chest tightness related to a wheat allergy. He also made a connection between my latent jaw tension and the pelvic imbalance. He did some releases on my neck and pelvis and I've been working on keeping my jaw relaxed by touching my tongue to the back of my teeth and manually stretching my jaw, as well as practicing diaphragmatic breathing and making sure I'm staying on top of my magnesium intake and it is feeling much better.
Another contributing factor is a lovely big pregnancy pillow my mom-in-law made me. It's a long sausage shaped one that I'll eventually use as a cosleeper i.e. place the sausage shaped pillow along the edge of the bed, with a cover that goes around the pillow and under mom and baby, and you have a safe cosleeping space. That is if I can get it back from my hubby - he claims it's not a pregnancy pillow - it's just a cuddle pillow and everyone should have one.
I've had another ache this week too. I know it sounds a bit odd, but I've been aching for beauty...
Our haul of sweet potatoes
from our garden!
These things make me happy!
I often tell moms towards the end of pregnancy that it is a time for seeking pleasure. When I apply it to myself, something in me has an immediate, 'Yes, But...' reaction. So often women, and especially mothers, have difficulty seeking pleasure. It feels so... so selfish, so hedonistic. I know it's not just me.
Pregnant ladies have a bit of a tightrope to walk. We don't want to be seen as sick or disabled, or a liability to our employers, so we pretend that the growing belly doesn't even exist. We work hard to try to keep up and prove ourselves worthy, all the while growing a whole other human being within our bodies. I totally get that pressure.
That pouf I was working on...
But at the same time, society needs to acknowledge growing a human being is not an easy task, but a vitally important one! Ask any country suffering from decreasing birth rates and an aging population! I truly believe pregnant women should be cherished and nurtured during this time of expansion and transition. Giving your whole body over to this new person, never to be the same again, is a demanding task physically, mentally and emotionally, and one that deserves recognition.
Cherishing the mother is one way to love the baby she is carrying. She is not merely a detached vessel - she and the baby form a unit, a symbiotic organism for now, and their combined health should be seen as having utmost importance.
I have an incredible husband who wholeheartedly acknowledges this idea. He encourages me to take time and space for myself in the busy-ness of raising two children and working full time - and actually puts legs to his encouragement by doing the capable parent thing with great enthusiasm.
So what does it mean to ache for beauty?
It's as if something inside me yearns to saturate my senses with joy - and to go beyond that and create things that bring joy to those around me. Maybe it has something to do with nesting? I don't know.
My herb garden - doing quite well since I started it!
Geraniums, Lemon, Pennyroyal, Lovage, Rosemary,
Basil, Thyme, Lemon Grass, Yarrow, Burdock, Curry Leaf,
Fennnel, Dill, Rocket, Purslane, Echinacea, Calendula,
Coriander, Parsley, Sage, Lemon Balm, Thyme
and Stevia! Phew!
This, too, saturates and satisfies my senses and makes me happy.
I made the wall hanging many years ago, along with a couple of the other items on the dresser, while the rest consists of found objects, gifts and indoor plants... I love these collections of my favourite things!
But I can see this impulse in action in how I choose to spend my snatched moments of down time - cooking nourishing chicken soups to freeze, upcycling old t-shirts into a pouf for the lounge, colouring in my pregnancy affirmations, working on my quilt, sorting out my herb garden, filling my house with indoor plants... these things bring me great satisfaction, and in a sense each of them is a way of bringing order out of chaos, in the same way that my body is growing a baby.
So what are some of the other ways I am going to seek pleasure over the next few weeks? (Other than the list above!)
Here are my super budget ideas:
Bath by Candlelight - with some Epsom Salts mixed in for a magnesium boost.
Pick flowers - Marigolds and Sunflowers in my garden at the moment!
Drink Lemon Balm tea - picked from my garden, while sitting on the balcony.
Listen to music that touches me.
Stretch - It's great for pregnancy and gives a great endorphin boost!
Admire my belly - I know the time is short. Soon this belly will be empty and my arms will be full.
Cuddle - Lots. With my hubby and with my girls.
Bask in the sun.
Quilt pieces ready for stitching...
I find this stage of pregnancy quite intense. There is no moment in which you can forget you are pregnant. At any moment you might have baby kicking, heartburn bothering you, pelvis all over the show, sweating from your internal heater - whatever your particular set of niggles... And every time you get dressed, go to the toilet, pick something up, strap your seat belt on, try to stand up from a low chair, or try find a position to sleep in, you are reminded of this little person snuggled up inside your belly.
With that comes the realisation that this baby is going to have to come out sometime! That part is also becoming more real to me. I've found myself looking forward to laboring and birthing this baby. My previous births were both empowering and affirming experiences - and I am looking forward to that post birth high that can't be explained unless you've experienced it! Ecstasy, exhaustion, euphoria and energy all mixed up together... It's quite unlike anything else.
So on the whole, it's been good. This e-card sums things up quite nicely:
One last thing, now is a good time to make sure you follow me on Twitter - @DurbanDoula - or Facebook - Giving Birth Naturally - to make sure you don't miss any birth announcements! So did you experience that 'ache for beauty' in pregnancy? How did you
Over the Christmas period we had some family pics done with my husband's side of the family. I was so grateful that our usual photographer got back from the UK three days before we needed the shoot, and as always, she really got the best out of us as you'll see in the pics scattered through the post! She is great fun to work with, and excellent with the kids - we did our previous maternity shoot with her, and a family shoot or two before and after that - and we keep going back so you know she must be good!
Hear me Roar!
(37 week maternity shoot with Karen in 2011)
I'm really enjoying this pregnancy to be honest. I'm grateful that I've had a pretty easy pregnancy on the whole. Other than some morning dizziness, I've had a couple of days of swollen feet - remedied by sleeping with my feet raised after an Epsom Salts foot bath, and some hip niggles, and some very occasional heartburn, but beyond that I'm feeling quite good. Oh, and the tiredness... I'm not as flat out finished as I was in the first trimester, but just the physical work of carrying this extra weight and growing a whole human in this heat does take it out of me. Oh, I forgot about the spider veins too... this list of things that aren't bothering me too much seems to be getting longer! But compared to what many women experience, I think I'm doing okay!
That human I'm growing weighs about 1.3kg now, and is around 40cm tall, about the size of a large butternut, although it's all relative at this stage!
It's been so busy that on the whole I haven't really had much chance to think about being pregnant, never mind doing any colouring or anything like that. Trying to juggle different school times with extra murals, while working full time (albeit flexi-time) is hectic. I try not to use my flexibility too much, because I do still have to catch up the time, and right now my energy levels past 5pm just are not up for the task of getting work done once the girls are asleep!
My poor veggie garden (and my gardening blog) have been sorely neglected, as has nearly every other non-essential task, especially over the last two weeks as the girls start school again.
Lady in Red. (37 week maternity shoot with Karen in 2011)
On the topic of school, are there any other moms who detest homework? Parents hate it, teachers hate marking it, kids hate doing it, many many studies have shown that it can even be harmful to their academic futures as it destroys their love for learning... So why do they still get it? Apparently my daughter's Grade 1 homework should take 15min. Pah! I tried convincing her that this was fun time for us to spend together - both colouring in, reading, counting and adding - but she wasn't having any of it. She just blinked at me. Unconvinced. I'm not sure if I can keep this up for the next 20 years to be honest!
(Link on homework here)
On a more positive note, I made some of my own newborn winged prefolds out of old baby blankets to use in some spare newborn covers I have, and taught my almost 7-year-old how to use the overlocker so she could make a baby blanket out of some flannel I bought. She was so chuffed with herself! It was very sweet.
(For a video on different types of cloth diapers / nappies - look here.)
I'm all for budget babies, so I was overjoyed when I found a Joie Stages car chair, only 18 months old, second hand. No accident damage or anything like that, still in great nick. The mom felt her daughter wasn't comfortable in it so was buying a different one. What I like about the Joie Stages is that they can use it from birth to 7 years old, and they can do rear facing until 18kg! Now we just need to figure out how to fit these chairs into our car...
I was also gifted with some boy clothes by a doula client, and another client is lending me her stash of newborn nappies to add to my currently modest stash. In terms of nappies after 3 months, I was able to supplement my collection with some second hand nappies I bought from friends who were emigrating - so all in all I think we're doing well! In the midst of all the busy-ness I sorted through the old baby clothes I was keeping in case we had another girl, and was able to give away a large suitcase full of clothes to a family that has been struggling... Yay for paying it forward!
Love this one! (37 week maternity shoot with Karen in 2011)
So with all the sorting and repacking, I have also been inspired to spruce up our room a little bit, seeing as I'll be spending a bit more time in there. Why now, with 10 weeks before the baby is due? Blame it on nesting, blame it on the fact that we're going to be cosleeping and won't need a baby room for a while, either way I have big plans. How many of them will get done by the time baby is here? I have no idea!
The starting point is finishing a quilt I've been working on for about 8 years. I dusted off my sewing machine for the first time in a long while and have been diligently working at getting it all together - when I have the energy! One of the last times I worked on it was when I was in early labour with my youngest daughter - nearly 5 years ago! So I think it's time. It seems my seamstress skills have been inspiring my eldest daughter (almost 7), as she is busy designing her own fashion range that I am going to help her sew. I'd much rather do that than homework any day!
So yeah, that's us for this week. I've got another checkup due in the next few days, so we'll have some updates, and perhaps some progress on the various craft projects and gathering of birth supplies... Beyond that, I think uneventful is good at this stage!
Yeehah! The third trimester is here! Duhm duhm duuuhm...
Downhill from here!
It's crazy how this whole thing feels so fast and so slow at the same time. I'm trying to enjoy every bit of it, although the heat wave we had over Christmas was quite something! With my first I was 38 weeks pregnant at this point, and I don't remember feeling like I wanted to crawl out of my skin from the heat...
I've finally made a plan to get together with a personal trainer friend of mine to help me get some exercise - so relieved! I can feel how much of a difference it makes, but I also think I'll need to pop in for a visit to the chiropractor soon. My pelvis is starting to feel a bit wobbly again and I'm getting a bit of sciatica. Oh the joys!
This was my belly at this time of year in 2009!
38 weeks pregnant with my first...
So as we reach the third trimester we are having to make some decisions the we didn't have to make before, and one of those is deciding whether or not to circumcise our little boy.
Living in South Africa, where circumcision is still commonplace even among those who aren't of Jewish or Muslim descent, for many parents it isn't even something they think about - it's just the done thing. Of the men I've spoken to of my generation, most of them are circumcised, and a number of them can't recall ever seeing an uncircumcised or intact male their own age. Being who I am, I've come to question this practice and came up with some reasons why we won't be circumcising our son.
I know it is a pretty contentious issue - many Facebook mommy groups have banned it as a topic of discussion because things get too heated - but I'm trusting I can express my position in a reasonably civil manner, and I'd request that if you do comment on the post, you do the same.
My main reason is that I believe that people should have choices about what happens to their bodies, and I also believe that no person's body is owned by any other person. 'It's my child, I can do what I want,' doesn't cut it with me - my son's body belongs to him and him alone, just as my body belongs to me, and I believe I should have primary authority over what is done to it and I share it with people I choose to share it with. Bodily autonomy is something I value, so it seems natural to value my son's bodily autonomy too - he is the owner of the penis after all, so I feel he has the largest vested interest in the matter, and so I will wait until he is able to make the decision for himself. It can't be undone.
The be honest, that was enough reason for me to let my son choose for himself, but I have a few others as well. I'm going to try and keep it brief.
Religion:Because of my faith in a wise creator, I can't accept that every single baby boy would be born with a birth defect that requires potentially risky amputation of a very sensitive part of his body. I know circumcision was part of God's covenant with the Hebrews, as described in the Bible, but what was considered circumcision then - a snip off the tip or just a tiny slit cut into the foreskin - and circumcision today, the full amputation of the entire foreskin still fused to the glans of the penis the same way your fingernail is fused to your nail bed - are, as you can see, very different.
Having said that, even in religions where circumcision is required, such as in Islam or Judaism, many individuals are choosing not to circumcise. (For more info on this check: Biblical Circumcision Information.)
Pain: For a long time, and until fairly recently, many practitioners didn't use any anaesthetic for circumcisions as it was believed that babies didn't experience pain the same way adults do. Even now, it is too risky to use general anaesthetic for a newborn, so babies have to make do with a local anaesthetic which cannot numb all the pain experienced. Furthermore, because they are so little, the pain relief available to them after the procedure is not as effective as the relief available to an adult, and they have the added discomfort of chafing from nappies, and the risk of the wound coming into contact with urine and faeces. This degree of pain can affect the brain quite negatively at a very vulnerable time, and hence interfere with bonding and breastfeeding, with a high risk of long term consequences. Some say circumcision should be done early as it is more painful later on - but I would be keen to know if it is just that babies are not as able to express their discomfort as adult men are. (For more information see: The Effectiveness of Anesthesia for Circumcision Pain.)
Sexual Sensitivity:The foreskin is not just an extra flap of skin, it has over 10 000 nerve endings. It definitely does affect sexual function. In fact, circumcision in Western society was popularised precisely because it was thought to decrease masturbation because circumcision was known to decrease sensitivity i.e. no foreskin = less pleasure = less masturbation. Furthermore, intact (uncircumcised) penises require less lubrication during intercourse, and can provide a smoother experience for the partner too. Many men who have been circumcised as adults have reported decreased sensitivity. (See: Intact or Circumcised: A Significant Difference in the Adult Penis - Yes, there are photos - view at own discretion)
Aesthetics:Many say they think it just looks better circumcised. But to me that is purely a cultural prejudice, we generally find the familiar more attractive than the unfamiliar. And honestly, circumcising a baby because you think it looks better brings us back in to the realm of cosmetic surgery without consent. In the same way that I wouldn't tattoo my baby because I think it looks better, I wouldn't perform any other kind of cosmetic surgery on my baby either. And beyond that, I'm not the one who's going to be looking at my adult child's penis - if his partner thinks it looks better circumcised, they can deal with it then.
Functions:The foreskin doesn't only affect sexual function, but also protects the glans of the penis against chafing, and has important immune benefits - apparently latest research is showing that the foreskin can actually protect against HIV infection, and besides that, it prevents contaminants entering the urethra.
Equality:I wouldn't alter my baby girl's genitals in any way, so why do it to my baby boy? In places where female genital cutting is still practiced, the same reasons are used as are currently used for male genital cutting - it looks better, it is healthier, because her mother had it done...
Risks: No surgery is without risk. In the US, more newborn baby boys die from circumcision than from car accidents. The penis and foreskin is obviously highly vascular and haemorrhaging is a risk, as is the possibility of removing too much skin, as well as other injuries and complications including impotence, urinary retention and necrosis among others.
(See here: Death from Circumcision Higher Than Suffocation and Auto Accidents and here: Death from Circumcision)
Hygiene:An intact penis is actually easy to clean - the guideline is to treat it like the tip of a finger. No one except the child himself should be tugging on it or retracting as this can actually cause adhesions and scar tissue leading to a tight foreskin later on. Boys can be taught to wash their own penises the same way girls are taught to wipe from front to back. To think that boys are incapable of such simple self care is actually a little insulting. Actually, I would think an intact penis is easier to keep clean initially too - no open wound to deal with!
(See: Basic care of the Intact Child)
Health:Each decade has seen it's own list of diseases and conditions that circumcision is claimed to cure. In the nineties it was said to prevent cervical cancer in women, now it's said to reduce female to male HIV transmission. Many of these studies have been shown to report inflated claims, or they have been very flawed in their design. Also, they only talk about reducing male to female transmission. Um, yeah. Nothing about male to female transmission. I'm sure there are less invasive and more effective ways to decrease HIV transmission. Furthermore, even if there was a slight decrease in rates of urinary tract infections among circumcised infants, girls get urinary tract infections far more often than boys and we wouldn't dream of circumcising all infant girls to reduce urinary tract infections - we just treat them as they happen. No surgery required.
See: HIV, AIDS & Circumcision Resources, Where Circumcision does NOT Prevent HIV, Circumcision and Cervical Cancer Resources, Cervical Cancer: A Reason for Circumcision?)
Family Likeness:For a number of families I've spoken to this has been one of their primary reasons. I heard a story that cleared this one up for me: Circ'ed dad is showering with intact son. Son asks, "Dad, why does your penis look like that?" Dad, who has been dreading this conversation, wisely asks, "What do you mean?" Boy answers, "It's so hairy."
I wouldn't dye my child's hair to match mine, or surgically alter his nose to match his dad's or give them matching tattoos before he's a year old - so I'm not sure I could use this reason for cosmetic surgery on my newborn child.
My last reason would be that it is irreversible. There are methods by which men are gaining some restoration of their foreskins, but this is a difficult process. I would rather let my son choose for himself.
I was going to mention some stuff about why I'm enjoying the colouring and why birth affirmations make a difference, and further plans for our home birth, and great second hand deals and other bits and bobs, but I'll leave those for next time!
Two videos you might appreciate - one funny and one more serious:
Adam Ruins Everything - The Real Reason You're Circumcised:
Elephant in the Hospital - Child Circumcision
I understand that some people reading this post may be feeling regret for having had their son/s circumcised. It is difficult to feel you made a wrong decision when it comes to your children, but there are many who have walked this road before who can help you deal with those feelings of regret - please see these links for some excellent resources: I Circumcised My Son: Healing From Regret Circumcision Regret: Working Through and Rising Above Mistakes Made
Sorry it's been such a long post! I really tried to keep it as brief as I could without being blunt! If you have any thoughts or questions, please feel free to share them below, but please be civil! I know these things can get heated...
