Top Doula Tip: Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera!

The longer I work as a doula the more I realise my work is not about solving specific problems with predefined solutions, as if every stalled labour requires the same position changes, and every massage oil requires the same mix.
It's more about defining the philosophies and motivations that underpin my work as a doula, and learning how to apply those in each situation.

Doula training can be quite overwhelming in that you learn a large variety of tools and techniques but in truth no one can really teach you precisely how and when to use each one - that is where experience comes in.

Imagine these tools and techniques are like the notes of the musical scale. They are of no use to you unless you know when to use them, for how long and at what intensity, and which to use together, and most importantly, when not to use them. Silence is the other half of music.

But what is more important than know all the right tricks for all the right moments, is your demeanour, how you carry yourself. Let me explain further.

The root word from which we get the word doula means 'servant' - as a doula, my power is in my service. I am at a birth to serve the mother and her family and no one else.

I was thinking about this one day and remembered this clip from the musical 'The King and I'.

"You shall observe care that head should never be higher than mine. When I kneel you shall kneel, when I sit you shall set, etcetera, etcetera etcetera!"

Problematic aspects of the movie aside, I got a picture in my head of the birthing mother as the 'King' (or rather the Queen!) and myself as Anna, and as a servant of the Queen, I resolved to not allow my head to be higher than hers.

This has physical and psychological implications. Obviously it's not always physically possible; sometimes my head is by necessity higher than hers as I'm helping her, usually when I'm beind her applying counter pressure or doing some belly-sifting. But what I try to avoid is that sense of 'looming' over a birthing mother which so often happens when she is on a bed in even in a birth pool.

Our human brains tend to associate vertical height with power and authority. We tend to see taller people as stronger and as inherently carrying more authority. In public forums, the most important person is often isolated on some sort of raised platform so that they are the tallest person in the immediate vicinity. To 'look up to' someone is to admire and respect them; climbing the hierarchy is an 'upward' movement.  We 'lift up' the downtrodden. Up is somehow stronger than down.

Let's take this to the birthing room - it's hard to feel powerful when you are on your back, and possibly exposed, surrounded by fully clothed persons, sometimes wearing face masks, looming over you and telling you what they are going to do to your body. This is not an easily defensible position and I wouldn't be surprised if our human brains read this as a dangerous situation and start releasing adrenalin accordingly.

It seems to set up a combative atmostphere, rather than a communal one - telling the mother that we are here to do this to you rather than with you, or for you. To comfort someone, or empathise with them, or listen to them, or even get their attention, we sit, stoop or squat down beside them. This is how we serve.

Psychologically, keeping my head lower than hers reminds me that 'the Queen' is the highest authority here. She is the mother of the child, and it is from her body that the child emerges. It would do birth attendants well to see themselves as 'advisors' to the Queen, rather than the highest authority themselves. Like any Queen she employs advisors to supply information so that she can make an informed decision. No one is more invested in the health of her baby and herself than she is - her word is paramount.

So that's it, my top doula tip - or should that be my bottom doula tip? Generally equivalent doula tip? Whatever - I'm sure you get the idea.

If you are a doula, have you thought of this before?

If not, do you think it's something you'll use?

If you've given birth, how did you experience the demeanour of your birth attendants?

Tell us below, then share and follow us on all the socials!

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera!

Thoughts on supporting young or vulnerable mothers and mothers-to-be

Young, unmarried or otherwise unprepared woman gets pregnant, family has conniptions about 'irresponsible behaviour', family accepts the situation and steps in to help, family ends up taking over and mom lets them, confirming family's perception of mom as irresponsible.

I see variations of this story reasonably often in my line of work.

The young mom carries the stigma of 'irresponsible' pregnancy, very visibly for the term of her pregnancy; partner / sperm donor / rapist is usually unscathed by such societal strictures. Well meaning family steps in to save the day - which is all good and well, except that the help usually comes at a price, and that price is often compliance.

It is truly a challenge to be strong and make good choices when you have been labelled as 'irresponsible' and you feel like you have become everyone's problem, which is often how these young moms feel.

'How are you going to look after this child?' 

'What about your studies?'

'What were you thinking?' 

'I told you he wasn't good for you.'

Once everyone is done asking questions, completely overwhelming the young mom to be, breaking down every last shred of confidence she has, then the moment comes for her own mom and dad to step and and fix it all. As if her 'failure' becomes their 'failure' and they have to do their utmost to 'fix it.'

She hands over more and more power as she feels less and less capable.

I'm sure that the delight in being the rescuer, the rock, the provider, isn't a conscious thing, but I sometimes feel that sense of power that comes with being the rescuer ends up causing disempowering situations for the mom to be.

I've seen moms given absolutely no choice about the circumstances of the birth, not because of the actual costs of her choices, but purely because mom's choices didn't line up with the choices of the financier. Mother's options are not even a point of discussion, because the perception is that she has already proven herself incapable of making good decisions so decision-making needs to be taken out of her hands. To be honest, it's not only the young or otherwise unprepared moms who experience this. Moms who are experiencing domestic abuse or marital difficulties or financial strain get similar treatment.

Often these moms are left with little to no autonomy,  as implicit or explicit threats of withdrawal of finance and / or accommodation and / or acceptance are enough to keep her toeing the line. Her parents speak on her behalf, pay on her behalf and decide on her behalf. 

I have yet to see a grandmother-to-be present her daughter with options, encourage her to research those options for herself and find a solution that makes the best of the situation, with the resources at hand, and most importantly, accepts and supports those decisions even if they weren't necessarily the decisions she would make.

I understand that a young mom may choose options that add extra strain to a family, but I'm suggesting that those who are willing to help be honest about the degree of help they are willing to provide, be it financial or otherwise, and then allow the mom to decide how to use the resources that have been made available to her.

Stepping in and fixing everything often seems to end up paralysing the mom-to-be. She may be overwhelmed at the task ahead of her and steps back, confirming the prevailing perception of her as irresponsible and not up to the task of parenting. This then requires family to step in even more, creating a cycle of disempowerment and resentment.

Rather, family should give resources as they are willing and able, and thereafter empower and equip the young mom to make the best plan she can with those resources. She is, after all, about to be a parent, and that is, after all, what good parents do. They do the best they can with what they have.

And it's not just about the birth, often these young moms are kept in check or subdued for many years with the 'Remember how much you owe me because I saved you' line.

Which brings me to the party we haven't yet considered - the baby. That baby will be the one living with the consequences of the mother's choices, as a baby, and into its future as an adult. Surely a dynamic of rescue and disempowerment is not the example one would want to set, as I have seen where the grandmother continually criticised the mother's parenting in front of the child. How is that helpful for this little person who ends up cscond guessing their mother's every move? In one particular case the child became horribly confused and acted out in the most impossible ways, never sure who to listen to or who to be loyal to, and grandmother's perception of her own daughter as a lousy mom was confirmed, thus justifying her intervention in her own mind.

Rather than disempowering moms, let's remind them that as mothers they have the most powerful influence over that child's life, equaled only perhaps by the father's influence if he is around. Let's show them the power they have and support them in exercising that power to make the decisions that will carry them and their children into the future as responsible individuals, confident in the knowledge that they are equipped to deal with whatever life gives them.

Obviously this isn't the situation for every vulnerable mom, but I do see it quite often. Congratulations to all the families and grandparents who have made the effort to encourage and support vulnerable or single moms rather than 'rescuing' them!

Have you experienced something like this?
Share your thoughts below...